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Monday, April 17, 2023

4/17/23

 Monday, April 17, 2023

In bed at 9:30, awake at 4:48, and up at 5:05.  Zapping a cup of yesterday's coffee while watching the seconds tick down to zero, thinking of 'like sands through the hourglass, so are the days of our lives' from DOOL.  31℉, high of 37℉, wind W at 17 mph, 11 to 22 mph during the day, gusts up to 36mph, wind chill is 20℉, will range between 18 and 26℉ today, 0.8" of wintery mix in last 24 hours, 0.2" expected today.  Sunrise at 6:06, sunset at 7:36, 13+30.

Springtime in Milwaukee.  Saturday, i.e., 2 days ago, Milwaukee hit 80℉.  This morning I am looking out at snow flurries and a wind chill of 19℉.



Lila.  I'm a bit surprised that I am enjoying this novel as much as I am though I shouldn't be since I've enjoyed Gilead and Home so much.  John Ames was born in 1880 in Kansas but spent 74 of his 76 years in Gilead.  His second wife, Lila, is probably in her 30s.  The time setting for both novels is 1956.  Ames is old but still rather vigorous.  Boughton is old and increasingly feeble, crippled in more ways than one.  Jack Boughton is 43 and Glory is 38.  After reading both Gilead and Home, I became pretty familiar with John Ames, Robert Boughton, Jack Boughton, and his sister Glory Boughton.  Now I'm becoming familiar with Lila.  John Ames is a thoughtful, humble Congregational minister who struggles, usually unsuccessfully, to love his namesake John Ames Boughton, Jack.  Robert Boughton is a not-so-good Presbyterian minister who wants to love and forgive his prodigal son but can't.  He refuses Jack's handshake as Jack is leaving, turning away and saying "Tired of it."  These were his last words to his son.  A question raised by the 2 novels is to what extent the reader is like Ames, and to what extent like Boughton.  And now Lila enters the mix, striking in almost every way, from her kidnapping by Doll as a very young child, to the hardship of her youth and early adulthood before arriving and squatting near Gilead.  She can read but is uneducated, having spent only one year in some grade of elementary school.  Most of her life was spent as an itinerant farmworker, a migrant laborer, or hustling housework.  I need to think of a notion I have of Jack and Lila as Christ figures, in the sense of taking up their crosses and following him and in the sense of Eli, Eli, lama sabachthani.  I also need to think about the ever-lurking but understated significance of racism in the novels, Jack wondering whether he could find peace and a home in Gilead for his Black wife and mixed-race son (not!), the burned-down Black church, no Blacks in Gilead and insensitivity or indifference or even hostility to what was going on in Montgomery, Birmingham, Selma, etc.

From Lila:  "It used to be when they were with Doane and Marcelle and they had to pass through a town, they’d clean up the best they could first, and then they would walk along together, looking straight ahead, as if there could not be one thing in the whole place that would interest them. Town people thought they were better. They all knew that and hated them for it. Doane or Marcelle might go into a store to buy a few things they needed and a little bag of candy or a jar of molasses, but the rest of them just kept walking till they were out in the country again. . . Walking into Gilead, she felt just the way she had felt in those days, except now she was alone. Doane used to say, We ain’t tramps, we ain’t Gypsies, we ain’t wild Indians, when he wanted the children to behave. She asked Doll one time, What are we, then? and Doll had said, We’re just folks. But Lila could tell that wasn’t true, that there was more to it anyway. Why this shame? No one had ever really explained it to her, and she could never explain it to herself."

Lila has a feral quality.  It comes from her vulnerability.  The only person who loves her is Doll, who also has and teaches a constant need to trust no one, especially men.  Like Jack Boughton, she is a loner but unlike him, her separateness is defensive whereas Jack seems to have gone out of his way to wrong others. Reverend Ames suspects it comes from a meanness in his character.  Reverend Boughton thinks it comes from an essential loneliness in him.  In bot Gilead and Home, she is depicted as kind of a simply good-hearted middle-aged woman.  In Lila we learn there is nothing simple about her.

WaPo: Fiscal crisis nears as McCarthy takes debt ceiling plan to Wall Street: The House speaker is set to outline the party’s new proposal at the New York Stock Exchange, more than a decade after a similar GOP-led standoff hammered U.S. markets

From Blazing Saddles:

[the Johnsons load their guns and point them at Bart. Bart then points his own pistol at his head]

Bart: [low voice] Hold it! Next man makes a move, the nigger gets it!

Olson Johnson: Hold it, men. He's not bluffing.

Dr. Sam Johnson: Listen to him, men. He's just crazy enough to do it!

Bart: [low voice] Drop it! Or I swear I'll blow this nigger's head all over this town!

Bart: [high-pitched voice] Oh, lo'dy, lo'd, he's desp'it! Do what he sayyyy, do what he sayyyy!

[townspeople drop their guns; Bart jams the gun into his neck and drags himself through the crowd towards the station]

Harriet Johnson: Isn't anybody going to help that poor man?

Dr. Sam Johnson: Hush, Harriet! That's a sure way to get him killed!

Bart: [high-pitched voice] Oooh! He'p me, he'p me! Somebody he'p me! He'p me! He'p me! He'p me!

Bart: [low voice] Shut up!

[Bart places his hand over his own mouth, then drags himself through the door into his office]

My Detachment by Tracy Kidder.  One of the chapters in this Vietnam-centered memoir is "R&R" in which Kidder describes his time in Singapore, his sexual experiences with Malaysian prostitutes, and which reminds me of course of my R&R week in Bangkok, Thailand which I wrote about in my own memoir.  I don't know quite what to think of Kidder's narrative.  It was written decades after he served in Vietnam but he reports verbatim conversations so how much is based on real memories and how much is constructed long after the fact can't be known.  Moreover, I'm struck by the ease and the cador with which Kidder reports his use of prostitutes.  My Catholic fear of all things sexual stayed with me in Vietnam and it was shored up by fear of STDs, or as it was known then, VD, 'the black syph," as I wrote in my memoir:

"My other trip out of the country was a Rest and Recreation trip to Bangkok.  R&R trips did not begin until some months after I arrived in Vietnam after President Johnson decided that we were in the conflict for the long haul.  R&R destinations were added a few at a time:  Hong Kong and Manila at first, then Bangkok, Penang, and eventually Taipei, Japan, and Australia.  When I became eligible for R&R, after 6 or 7 months “in country,” I had a choice of Hong Kong, the Philippines, or Bangkok, my destination of choice.  R&R leaves were for 5 days, but that could be extended day-by-day if there were no space available for the return trip to Vietnam.  Therein lies the unusual story of my guided tour of Bangkok brothels.

In January or February of 1966, I flew from DaNang to Bangkok on an Air Force transport plane with a planeload of Marines, airmen, and a few soldiers and sailors.  There was a gaggle of taxi drivers who met our incoming plane with offers of exclusive taxi service for the entire 5 days of our R&R.  The drivers were as much personal tour guides as chauffeurs.   Most of us servicemen had money to burn since there was little to spend our pay on in Vietnam and goods (booze) and services (haircuts and mamasans who did laundry and swept our tents) were inexpensive in any event.  I hired my driver/tour guide who took me to the small hotel I was staying in where I started my R&R by taking a nap.  It was great to be in a real room with a real private bathroom and a real mattress on the bed and no need for mosquito netting.  I slept until my driver returned at the time we had agreed.  He told me that his last client, whom he had deposited at the airport before picking me up, had been unable to obtain a flight back to Vietnam.  Would I mind sharing the taxi with his previous client for a night?  I said that would be fine.  I of course did not know a soul in Bangkok and was happy to have someone to talk to on that first night.

The previous client turned out to be an Army doctor stationed at the big base in Nha Trang, between DaNang and Saigon.  We had dinner together and drank and schmoozed and got along well.  He told me about the medical facility at Nha Trang and I told him something about I Corps.  In the course of the evening, I have no recollection of how the subject arose, he told me that he was a virgin.  He was 27 years old and unmarried.  He had come to Bangkok intending to have his first experience of sexual intimacy (in a manner of speaking) but had not succeeded.  He wanted to try again that evening.  I think the fact that he had someone with him – me – stiffened his resolve (no pun intended.)  I wasn’t in the market for the services he desired (oh, those impure thoughts and impure deeds!)  but accompanied him as the driver/tour guide took us from brothel to brothel in the red-light districts of Bangkok.  As with my arrival at Chu Lai and my encounter with the killer barber and Chinese assassin in DaNang, I failed the dauntless test.  The driver took us down dark streets and alleys and into dimly lit bordellos where he spoke Thai to the Madame.  It was creepy and a little scary.  I was no more experienced in this kind of adventure than the virginal doctor.   The doctor was clearly not eager to engage any of the women who came forward for his inspection, but after a number of stops, he finally took a young woman back to the hotel where we were staying.  I bid him adieu at the hotel and went to another bar or nightclub with the taxi driver.  I knocked on the doctor’s door when I got back to the hotel.  He said he had company and would see me in the morning.  The next morning, he came down to breakfast while I was in the dining room, and sat with me.  “Well?”  I said.  “No go,” he said, “we talked all night.  She is very nice.”  The driver took him back to the airport after breakfast where he caught a plane back to Nha Trang, his virtue intact.

I cannot place too much emphasis on notions of virtue or moral purity in describing this strange night.  Bangkok was a commercial sex center even in early 1966.  Every R&R port was, or became, a sex center.  All those American servicemen with all that money and pent-up hormones and greater or lesser fears of dying sure can disrupt a local economy and corrupt a culture.  Prostitution thrived in all the R&R ports as did the drug trade and trafficking in crude pornography.  There was, however, a rumor afoot that servicemen were being infected with a strain of venereal disease that was highly resistant to antibiotics and highly destructive of the structural integrity of the male organ.  The not-so-funny jokes were that if you caught ‘the black syph,’ “you and your _____ [insert any of hundreds of slang terms ‘the black syph,’ “you and your _____ [insert any of hundreds of slang terms for penis] will rotate back to the states in separate aircraft” or “You’ll be able to take your [whatever] back in its own box.”  Not that there were lots of opportunities for sexual adventures in Vietnam, but I didn’t know any officers, almost all of whom were married and older than the enlisted troops,  who indulged in that kind of activity before DaNang was placed off-limits for American servicemen.  Religious sensibilities and marital vows played some roles, but so did fear of the notorious “black syph.”





Sunday, April 16, 2023

4/16/23

 Sunday, April 16, 2023

In bed after midnight, up at 7.  53℉, rain expected, thunderstorm @ 10, high of 54℉ already past, temps falling all day to a low of 33℉, almost an inch of wintery mix expected all day, Swind at 9 mph, 3 to 19 mph during the day, gusts up to 31 mph.  Sun rose at 6:06, sunset at 7:35, 13+27.

Mind a Blank This Morning.  Up too late, too many pss.  Losing interest in everything lately, including this journal.  I need to start painting or drawing, using brushes or pencils on something.

I'm focused on the folly of spending time reading newspapers and watching news on tv, wondering what the news will be tomorrow and the day after that, and the week and months after that.  (1) Israelis and Palestinians continue to kill one another.  (2) Republicans risk (and succeed) in decimating retirement accounts by defaulting on the national debt. (3) More workplace and school and church mass shootings with AR-15-type weapons. (4)  Support for Donald Trump strengthens (or weakens) but stays strong among GOP base voters. (5) Ukrainians and Russians continue to slaughter one another, with neither side gaining significant territorial gains.  (6) Cracks deepen in NATO and EU regarding support for the Ukrainian war effort. (7) US and allies pressure Zelenski to negotiate a truce/ceasefire with Russia, to give up on Donbas and Crimea.

Question marks:  (1) Will the fascist crowd finally succeed in forcing a default on the national debt or will Biden prevent it?  If the latter, what will he compromise on to achieve the result?  (2)  What if anything will lead to a cessation of armed conflict between the Russians and the Ukrainians?  (3) When will the political bombing, shooting, ambushes, and arsons in America start?  (4) When, if ever, will Special Counsel Jack Smith indict Trump and for what crimes?  (5) When, if ever, will Atlanta DA Fani Willis indict Trump and for what crimes?

Spring Weather in Milwaukee.  The other day we hit 80℉ and I was complaining about heat and humidity.  At 6:30 tonight I put a log in the fireplace with the temperature at 40℉ and on its way down to 30℉.




Lord Spoda channel on YouTube: What I Saw.  I watched the half-hour visual "Gary: The USA's Most Dangerous City?"  Showing the results when US Steel pulled out of Gary.  Capitalism.  Gary's population is 78% Black, 10% White, 9% Hispanic, 3% Other.  From Wikipedia: "The Gary Works remains Gary's largest single employer and a key element of the city's tax base, but employment levels have fallen substantially since the mid-20th century; the plant and allied facilities employed over 30,000 people in the early 1970s, but only 6,000 in 1990, 5,000 in 2015, 2,500 in 2021, and 2,246 in 2023.

Lila by Marilynne Robinson.  I've just begun it on Kindle.  More of the theme of loneliness, separateness, not-fitting-in, perhaps except for the two preachers, Ames and Boughton.  Jack Boughton was the almost pathological epitome of alienation and apathy from the time he was a boy, but Glory suffers from it too, unhappy about her present life and about her past life, with little hope for her future life, though she is not as apathetic as her brother.  Now we have Lila, described by the author as an uneducated "farmhand" married to an educated, thoughtful Congregational minister and living in a Midwestern, middle-class Iowa town but feeling very much an outsider.  



Saturday, April 15, 2023

4/15/23

 Saturday, April 15, 2023

Mom's 101st Birthday

In bed at 10 awake at 4, considerable PN right big toe, CPP left side, up at 4:30.  54℉, high of 80℉, 50% chance of light rain, wind SSW at 6 mph,  6 to 13 mph today, gusts up to 22 mph, average humidity today will be 67%.  Sunrise at 6:09, sunset at 7:34, 13+24.


Battery OK.  Every Saturday morning I have a date with a disembodied female voice who tells me "Battery OK."  She lives within the med-alert device I wear around my neck every day.  I wear it mainly to be able to summon help if I become like the old lady sprawled on a floor at the bottom of a stairway, moaning "Help, I've fallen and I can't get up," the old lady kids make fun of.  Since I took a tumble on ice going to get the mail a couple of years ago, I haven't considered the old lady so funny.  I wasn't able to get up by myself from that fall because there was nothing to hold onto to give me support and steady myself trying to get up just with weak leg strength and a weak sense of balance.  So my weekly date with my "Battery OK" girlfriend has become some comfort to me.  Geri took a tumble in the garage yesterday and she looked at her AppleWatch that asked her "Did you fall?" or "Have you fallen?"  She told her watch she was OK so no call was made to 911.  That experience makes me wonder again whether I should get a similar watch for 'belt and suspenders' protection.  My concern is not with falling down and dying (or dying and falling down) but with falling down and living, unable to get up, to go to the bathroom😱, etc., or having a stroke and not getting to an ER quickly enough to prevent major damage and then living much more impaired than I am now, trapped in a living but non-functioning body.  "Brain and Body Not OK."


Last Things.  The car I own is the last car I will ever own.  The house I live in will be the last house I ever live in.  The laptop computer I type this on is the last laptop computer I will ever own.


Mom's Birthday.  Thought of my blessed mother today, how she deserved a much better hand in life that the one she was dealt.  Too many thoughts and feelings to express. "And we wept that one so lovely should have a life so brief."  William Cullen Bryant, The Death of the Flowers

And then I think of one who in her youthful beauty died,
The fair, meek blossom that grew up and faded by my side:
In the cold moist earth we laid her, when the forest cast the leaf,
And we wept that one so lovely should have a life so brief:
Yet not unmeet it was that one, like that young friend of ours,
So gentle and so beautiful, should perish with the flowers.







Steve here to mark Geri's upcoming birthday.  As usual, we put the poor guy to work almost as soon as he walked through the door.  They cooked a favorite pasta dinner together.  





Friday, April 14, 2023

4/14/23

Friday, April 14, 2023
IN bed at 9:30, up with GERD at 11, out of bed, into the bedroom recliner till 2:50, a rough night with minnow bucket thoughts racing through my head, back up at 6:50.    52℉, high of 69℉, sunny afternoon predicted,  low winds 4 to 11 mph today, gusts up to 18.  Sunrose at 6:09, sunset at 7:33, 13+21.

Geri on her beautiful Trek bicycle.  First ride of the Spring.  Beautiful lady on her elegant bike.  I should have taken a photo of her! Drat!



Thinking of Checking Out from the News.  I go through this fantasy periodically, but more and more the older I grow.  In more extreme form it consists of finding a cottage or log cabin up around Three Lakes and living there without internet, without television news, without daily newspapers, withdrawn from all the wretchedness of contemporary American life - Red vs. Blue, fascists vs. socialists, mass shootings, AR-15s, gerrymandering, viruses of all kinds, climate change, etc.  Currently, it consists of cutting down on watching television news and realizing that it, like ads and commercials, is designed to make me unhappy, worried about events and trends over which I have no power or, in the case of commercials, trying to make me want something I don't have (a nice new Lincoln!) or telling me about some disease of which I've never heard which can be treated by some medication about which I should ask my doctor, or making me feel like shit unless I donate $19 a month to save a child's life, or a tiger's life, or to save mistreated shivering starving animals.  We move from deliriously happy, laughing people whose lives have been made so much more satisfying because of some consumer product to ads for a product to cure toenail fungus to videos of starving children with cleft palates needing help only we can provide.  How can we live with a steady diet of this stuff, day in, day out, without wanting to jump off a cliff?  Or am I just withdrawing from life generally, tired, worn out?

Home.   I finished it, heart-aching.  It reminded me a bit of my cousin Doug and his sister Christine.  The thematic hymn in the narrative is Softly and Tenderly, one of my favorite hymns at St. Francis of Assisi, with its poignant 'come  home, come home, you who are weary, come home.'


  1. Softly and tenderly Jesus is calling,
    Calling for you and for me;
    See, on the portals, He’s waiting and watching,
    Watching for you and for me.
    • Refrain:
      Come home, come home,
      You who are weary, come home;
      Earnestly, tenderly, Jesus is calling,
      Calling, O sinner, come home!
  2. Why should we tarry when Jesus is pleading,
    Pleading for you and for me?
    Why should we linger and heed not His mercies,
    Mercies for you and for me?
  3. Time is now fleeting, the moments are passing,
    Passing from you and from me;
    Shadows are gathering, deathbeds are coming,
    Coming for you and for me.
  4. Oh, for the wonderful love He has promised,
    Promised for you and for me!
    Though we have sinned, He has mercy and pardon,
    Pardon for you and for me.

But the story told by the author suggests, like Thomas Wolf's novel which I think a read a half-century ago, You Can't Go Home Again.  (Am I confusing this with Look Homeward, Angel, or did I read both?)   Mysterious Jack Boughton is the focus of the story, though just as much as his sister Glory.  The ailing aged father is important too but largely as a foil to Jack and Glory's sense of failure, disappointment, and essential loneliness.  Reverend Ames, Jack's namesake, and godfather, central to Gilead, is also important to the story, but he's mostly on the periphery of the action, such as it is.  Jack is a walking pity party, as is Glory.  Jack has been a troublemaker since he was a child.  In Gilead, Rev. Ames reflects that Jack had a meanness about him, a desire to hurt people, to harm them.  In Home, it's not meanness or malice that stands out as his dominating trait, but rather loneliness, his difficulty, or unwillingness, to relate to others, his being largely anti-social from his earliest years, a loner.  In the important scene in which he quizzes his father and John Ames about predestination and salvation, he must have been wondering in large part about himself, whether he was 'born this way' as Lady Gaga sings, destined from eternity to be the way he was, foreclosed from the salvation that his father and John Ames thought themselves privy to.  But Jack also had a pretty keen sense of injustice, and of social injustice especially when it came to anti-Black racism.  How much of that was innate in him and how much was due to his relationship with Della is unclear.  Perhaps I'll have a better sense of Jack when I read Robinson's novel titled after him, or the novel titled after Ames' wife Lila, who, like Glory, has an easier time relating to Jack than others do.   In any event, Glory is as important a character as Jack in the novel.  Unlike Jack, she is loving, caring, and concerned about others in ways that Jack isn't, though both are quite concerned about what others think of them.  She lives a lie about her marital state and covers up the fact that she was 'done wrong' by her "fiance", a married man.  She lies to her father, her siblings, and the town and lives a life of remorse over what has become of her life.  But she is Jack's only friend and is often brought to tears over his alcoholic, pinched life. 

Thursday, April 13, 2023

4/13/23

 Thursday, April 13, 2023

In bed @ 10:15, awake at 4:30, up at 4:40, thinking of TSJ and touching email from Jack Levine. 58℉, high of 73℉, RED FLAG WARNING: very warm weather, windy, dry conditions will support critical fire conditions across southern Wisconsin.  SW w.inds today at 8 to 12 mph with gusts up to 25 mph. Sunrise at 6:13, sunset at 7:32,  13+18.

Jack's email.  To: David Lowe, Dan Goldberg, Steve Chernof, Chuck Clausen, Ken Finkel  "miss Tom. Should we do something (simple, private) ? I hurt some.  Jack"  Spring and Fall, Hopkins: " . . . And yet you wíll weep and know why. / Now no matter, child, the name: /  Sórrow’s spríngs áre the same. / Nor mouth had, no nor mind, expressed / What heart heard of, ghost guessed: / It ís the blight man was born for, / It is Margaret you mourn for."

Geri and Lilly are on their way to Pet Supplies for a bath.  Before they left, Geri gave her as thorough a brushing as was possible with Lilly's nervousness.  I thought about taking a photo of them, struck as I was by Geri's character of taking care of those within her reach of care: Lilly, me, her children, Ellis, her father after her mother's death, my father, Elise, Micaela, so many friends who come to her for her listening, caring, solicitude.


Lilly, freshly washed, smelling like Jungle Gardenia, on her towel and mattress

Home.  I arrived at the crux of the novel, a 'reconciliation' visit by Rev. and Mrs. Ames to the Boughtons   (after the Hagar and Ishmael sermon)  during which Jack seeks enlightenment on the doctrines of predestination" and salvation.   He points out to the two ministers some of the inconsistencies or contradictions found in Scripture leading to some consternation and irritation on the part of the reverends, with Rev. Ames, who appears to be more thoughtful than Boughton, finally saying "I'm not going to make nonsense of a mystery because that's what people always do when they try to talk about it.  Always.  And then they think the mystery itself is nonsense.  A conversation of this kind is a good deal worse than useless.  In my opinion."  The fallback explanation: it's a mystery.  Our brains can't comprehend it, only God can.  But it's true and you must believe it to be a True Believer.

Days later, Jack is found in the barn where the DeSoto is kept, half-dressed, with his shirt and socks stuffed into the tailpipe of the car, an unsuccessful suicide attempt.  As usual, Glory takes care of him, cleaning him up before he can come into the house and be seen by his father, reminding of the great lines from The Great Gatsby about Tom and Daisy Buchanan: "They were careless people, Tom and Daisy—they smashed up things and . . . then retreated back into their money . . . and let other people clean up the mess they had made."  Jack is hardly careless and he has no money to retreat back to, but he does leave messes that others have to deal with.

I'm quite taken with this story, in part because of 'the prodigal son' theme, the relationship between father and son, and because of the story of Glory's disappointing life,  but more because of the big brother - little sister relationship between Jack and Glory, and the depiction of Glory's love and loyalty towards Jack.  Glory reminds me of course of Kitty and me, Geri and Jimmy A.  

The more of the novel I read, the greater the sense of what I think Robinson calls "the transcendence of the ordinary," the preparation of a meal for the family to eat, the ironing of a shirt for Jack or her father to wear, the inherent love-significance of these ordinary acts.

My Personal VA Pharmacist.  I had a video conference this morning with Jill Hanson, my personal pharmacist.  She's a big help in dealing with access problems with the huge pharmacy at Zablocki Medical Center.  I owe her a debt of gratitude for moving off of metformin and safely onto Jariance/empagliflozin and 4.5 mg Trulicity, getting my blood sugar readings down.

Classified Documents Leak Arrest.  A 21-year-old gun nut in Massachusetts was arrested today in connection with the leak of highly classified documents to a gamers web site.  I was the classified and top secret control officer at 2 of my duty stations in the Marine Corps.  I sew hundreds, thousands (?) of classified documents, leaving me with the impression that anything classified as Secret or Confidential probably doesn't need to be classified at all.  The whole system needs to be rethought.  Who is empowered to make classification decisions, what needs to be classified, at what level, with what distribution, etc.

Backache much of yesterday and today, and it doesn't take much to trigger it: filling the dishwasher, making my bed, washing the patio table.

Walmart.  I drove to Saukville to replenish my supply of 7 and 1/2 oz. cans of corned beef hash, plus Diet Pespsi w/o caffeine, Frank's Sauer kraut, GrapeNuts cereal, some Johnsonville maple flavored breakfast sausages, Mr. Coffee diffusers, Grape Nuts, bananas, and Bosc pears.

Dinner out at the new Arby's drive-through.  Reuben for Geri, Hawaiian beef-brisket sandwich for me.  Tasted OK but led to GERD overnight.



4/12/23

 Wednesday, April 12, 2023

In bed at 9:30, up at 5:15, but 5, maybe 6 pss.  57℉ now, hard to believe high of 75℉ forecast, SW wind at 13 mph, 7 to 19 mph during the day, gusts up to 33 mph  Sunrise at 6:14, sunset at 7:31,  13+16.

"An Incalculable Crime"  I subscribed to Yair Rosenberg's The Atlantic newsletter Deep Shtetl" this morning after reading his informative article "The Three Biggest Misconceptions About Israel's Upheaval and How to Better Understand the Protests There."  In scanning earlier newsletters I saw one from January 27, 2023 on "What to Read on Holocaust Remembrance Day: A Few Selections on the human, statistical, and moral dimensions of an incalculable crime." That term "an incalculable crime" caught me eye as not only descriptive of the Holocaust but also of chattel slavery in America.  For some time I have thought about the magnitude, the enormity of the crime against Blacks that was America's slave-based economy and slave-owning culture, how its effects are so visible, so tangible from the time of the Emancipation Proclamation and the 13th Amendment 158 years ago through today.  The word "incalculable" at least hints at the element of persistent effects, the continuation of the criminal effects through history.  We are reminded of it every time we see on our TV screens the images of young Black men arrested or convicted of dreadful crimes, usually against other Black men, or Black women, or increasingly Black children, victims of stray bullets.  Continuing results of race-based chattel slavery, of Jim Crow and segregation, of invidious  racial discrimination, of continuing unwillingness to share the wealth ('income redistribution=socialism/communism"), to share electoral and governmental power ("voter fraud"), to share neighborhoods and schools and real economic opportunity in our "Christian nation."



Toni Morrison - Writing Before Dawn.  “Recently I was talking to a writer who described something she did whenever she moved to her writing table. I don’t remember exactly what the gesture was—there is something on her desk that she touches before she hits the computer keyboard—but we began to talk about little rituals that one goes through before beginning to write. I, at first, thought I didn’t have a ritual, but then I remembered that I always get up and make a cup of coffee while it is still dark—it must be dark—and then I drink the coffee and watch the light come. And she said, Well, that’s a ritual. And I realized that for me this ritual comprises my preparation to enter a space that I can only call nonsecular . . . Writers all devise ways to approach that place where they expect to make the contact, where they become the conduit, or where they engage in this mysterious process. For me, light is the signal in the transition. It’s not being in the light, it’s being there before it arrives. It enables me, in some sense.

I tell my students one of the most important things they need to know is when they are their best, creatively. They need to ask themselves, What does the ideal room look like? Is there music? Is there silence? Is there chaos outside or is there serenity outside? What do I need in order to release my imagination?”—Toni Morrison, The Paris Review

Dinner: Fried cod, slivered carrots, brussels sprouts, small potatoes, vanilla bean ice cream w/ chocolate sauce.




Tuesday, April 11, 2023

4/11/23

 Tuesday, April 11, 2023

In bed at 9, awake at 4:30 or so, up at 4:40, awful thoughts of old age and incapacity.    56℉, wind WSW at 7 mph, gusts to 12 mph, high temperature of 72℉, mostly sunny, sunrise at 6:17, sunset 7:30, 13+13.

Home.  I'm well into the novel, realizing there's tension, a stress of disappointment underlying almost all of the scenes. Reverend Boughton is recognizing and forgiving failures in how he raised  Jack, what he should have done, what he shouldn't have done, always thankful for grace and forgiveness, God's great unearned gifts.  Jack is uncomfortable in his own skin; he doesn't like or love himself, and he's weary, exhausted of himself.  Glory too thinks of herself as a failure at life, her childhood home a refuge from a world that failed her and that she failed.  I am at the point in Marilynne Robinson's storytelling leading up to what will be a significant dinner with the Ameses.  

I am struck by the similarity between Jack leaving his family and me leaving my birth family when I set off for college out of state.  Though I didn't realize the significance of that move, it set me apart from my blue-collar, working-class roots.  Neither my mother nor my father had finished high school during the Depression (or afterward.)  My Irish grandfather and favorite uncle Jim were as far as I know hod carriers.  My Danish grandfather an inventory clerk at Western Electric.  My uncle Bim was a mailman, my uncle Bud a Chicago patronage worker of some sort.  My mother supported our family by working for tips as a waitress before landing an assembly line at a Kool-Aid factory, a step up from waitressing.  My Dad bounced from job to job for years before settling on a maintenance job at a Continental Can factory.  My college education, commissioned service in the Marine Corps, and marriage to Anne, another college graduate and very bright, set me apart and I'm sure I set myself apart in my own head.  Almost all the people I lived with, socialized with, and went to school with at Marquette "came from money," as my mother used to say.  Their parents were educated, some professionals, some executives, none of them blue-collar.  My parents and my sister were never all that comfortable around Anne nor she around them.  It put a strain on me to be around all of them together, a strain I did not handle well.  It didn't help that my Dad and I were so 'un-close' and that he was so unsocial.  In any event, the effect of the distance between me and my family wasn't all that clear to me until my mother died, leaving me guilty and ashamed of how I had distanced myself from my birth family, especially from her and, as I later realized, from Kitty.  The fault was entirely mine, not Anne's, not my parents' or sister's.   "Things said or done long years ago, or things I did not do or say, weigh me down. and not a day but something is recalled, my conscience or my vanity appalled."

I'm wondering how it was that Marilynne Robinson came to the decision to focus so much on a Prodigal Son, the character who is so central to Home but also to Gilead and I suspect to Lila and of course Jack.  I'll probably look for some YouTube interviews of her.  I read in Wikipedia that she was raised Presbyterian (like the Boughtons) and switched to Congregationalist (like the Ameses). . . . I started watching on YouTube an interview of Ms. Robinson by Paul Elie, whose book about American Catholic authors I read several years ago.  Elie explores the idea of "blessing" and "blessings" with Robinson and she says that the book-length letter that is the corpus of Gilead is intended as a blessing on and for his son.  Elie asks her if in writing Gilead, she was exploring as a writer what blessing is and she responds "I think I'm finding out for myself as a Christian what blessing is.  You know, I am who I am and then I write to explore what that means."  I suppose the same is true of my 300 page memoir to my children, which, alas, I'm not sure either of them has read.  I suppose it was also intended as a blessing on my father, or at least a blessing insofar as it might cause his grandchildren to have a kinder assessment of him, soemthing other than 'a crabby old man.'  On reflection, I suppose it was mostly a blessing on myself, inasmuch as it helped me to understand this human being who was so distant, so seemingly indifferent to me and my sister and my mother when I was a child growing up.  I gave a copy to Kitty also years ago and I can't be sure of how much of it she read.  She was very taciturn about it but it led her at some point to confide in me that our Irish grandfather had molested her when she was a little girl, a fact she never shared with our mother or perhaps anyone other than me with the exception of her husband.  In any event, I've long since learned not to expect any comment on any of the drivel I write, an indication I suppose of my inabiltiy to engagge a reader with my loquacity.  This mult-month daily journal will surely meet the same reception as the memoir.  So now as then I write for myself, in an attempt to understand my own thinking, my own biases, my own values, my own failings.

Cardinal Stritch University closing at the end of this semester.  This is heartbreaking news for many students and alumni and maybe terrifying news for faculty, administrators, and other employees.  Cardinal Stritch, named after the head of the Archdiocese of Chicago when I was young and formerly archbishop of Milwaukee, is a project of the Sisters of St. Francis of Assisi.  It embraces Franciscan values, including compassion, peace-making, reverence toward all Creation, the precedence of spiritual values over material values, etc.  One-quarter of the students are Black or Hispanic, and one-third qualify for Pell Grants, indicating substantial financial need.  My friend and colleague at the House of Peace, Gerri Sheets Howard, worked on and I think attained her theology or ministry degree there.  The school has been a haven for minority students who were unable or for some reason unwilling to seek their higher education elsewhere.  This is a big loss for many in Milwaukee.  The reason for the closure is money, not enough to support operations.  It has a student body of only 1,400, down from 2,400 a few years ago, pre-pandemic.  I wonder how it managed to exist as long as it did.   The closure raises broader questions to me about the role of religious universities in general, especially with respect to graduate and professional programs.  I'm reminded of the effort years ago to create a law school at UWM and Marquette's efforts, including mine to my shame, to defeat the effort.