5/13/23

 Saturday, May 13, 2023

In bed at 9, awake and up around 5:05, not well rested, 4 or 5 pss.  51℉, high of 59℉, cloudy with thunderstorms expected after 6 a.m., wind NNE at 11 mph, 3 to 13 mph during the day, gusts up to 24 mph, sunrise at 5:29, sunset at 8:06, 14+36.

Feeling not so stupid.  The reason I didn't suspect a circuit breaker problem on Thursday was that the lights were on in the area of the basement where the internet cable access and the modem and mesh router are located.  It was only when we went into the basement with the Spectrum tech and turned on the lights for the entire basement that we saw that we had no electric power in the other part of the basement.  The circuit wiring in this house is mysterious  We've known this since we moved in.  The electrician who wired the house must have thought he was clever.  Too clever by half, I think.

Feeling not so alive.  I am not depressed or anxious this morning but I am feeling very subdued, half alive, very little energy or interest in anything.  Morning newspapers don't help:

- The 2024 election isn’t about normal things. It’s about Trump.

- Mass killings leave Americans fearful, numb and wondering: Am I next?

- The grief, guilt and joy of being a caregiver for my mom

- Young Voters on Biden: ‘He’s Just So Old’

- Students lose enthusiasm because of the president’s age, performance in office

- Cyclone Mocha rapidly intensifies ahead of devastating landfall in Myanmar and Bangladesh

- Amid loneliness epidemic, readers share stories of struggle and serenity: Seeking connections, enjoying pastimes in a fractured America

Also, the other day I read an op-ed by Surgeon General Vivek Murthy on his initiative to combat widespread loneliness in our society, our culture.  It reminded me of course of the loneliness I have felt ever since my sister became so ill that she could no longer communicate with me, and of the loneliness that came with Tom St. John's sudden and unexpected death.  My relationships with the 2 of them were intrinsically different, but each was important to me in a different way, with connections that went back to 1944 in Kitty's case and to 1967 in Tom's case.  Plus each was 3 years younger than me and all my other friends are even further removed in age from me, David Lowe, e.g., almost 12 years younger and still very active, Caren Goldberg not yet 65, and also very active.  Ed Felsenthal and I go back to 1959, our freshman year at Marquette, but he lives in Florida and Illinois, and my old pal Larry Anderson lives in Georgia.  I talk with no one on a regular basis other than Geri, which is one of the reasons I say to her (and mean it) that I would have no desire to live if she should, God forbid, die before I do.  I would become a recluse, living in a house I can't take care of, having mostly myself and my laptop for company.  needing to hire people to get the house ready for sale as I move probably to a so-called 'independent living' facility with guaranteed access to 'assisted living' and 'memory care' facilities when needed, my neighbors and I all waiting around to die.  Pretty grim picture.

from I am Lonely by George Eliot

The world is great: the people laugh and talk,

And make loud holiday: how fast they walk!

I'm lame, they push me: my little sister went,

And I am lonely.

from Prufrock by T. S. Eliot

Shall I say, I have gone at dusk through narrow streets

And watched the smoke that rises from the pipes

Of lonely men in shirt-sleeves, leaning out of windows? ...

I grow old ... I grow old ...

I shall wear the bottoms of my trousers rolled.