Thursday, August 31, 2023

8/31/23

 Thursday, August 31, 2023

In bed at10:30,  awake aat 4:30, up at 5.  56°,high of 70°, sunny day ahead, AQI=27, wind ENE at 7 mph,  5-9/13.l Sunrise at 6:13, sunset  at 7:28, 13+14.

Super Blue Moon overnight.  Gorgeous, wonderful corona.  It reminded me of two of my favorite Elvis Presley songs on his 1956 album Elvis 1956 when I was 15 years old.  Dwight Eisenhower was president, most Southern congressmen signed The Southern Manifesto protesting Brown v. Board of Education, Rosa Parks' arrest for refusing to give up her seat on a Montgomery, AL bus led to the iconic 1956 bus boycott.  It was the year Russian Soviet troops invaded Hungary to put down its anti-Soviet revolution, leading to the emigration of thousands including many who came to Milwaukee and founded St. Emeric's Church on 17th Street where I would occasionally serve as an 'altar boy' in 1960-61.





Blue Moon

Blue moon / You saw me standin' alone

Without a dream in my heart / Without a love of my own

Blue moon / You knew just what I was there for

You heard me sayin' a prayer for / Someone I really could care for


And then there suddenly appeared before me

The only one my arms will hold

I heard somebody whisper, "Please adore me"

And when I looked, the moon had turned to gold

Blue moon /Now, I'm no longer alone

Without a dream in my heart / Without a love of my own



When My Blue Moon Turns to Gold Again

Memories that linger in my heart

Memories that make my heart grow cold

But some day we'll live them all again

And my blue moon again will turn to gold.


When my blue moon turns to gold again

When the rainbow turns the clouds away

When my blue moon turns to gold again

You'll be back within my arms to stay


The castles we built in dreams together

Are the sweetest stories ever told

And in my dreams they'll live again, sweetheart

And my blue moon again has turn to gold


Blue day, wasted.




Wednesday, August 30, 2023

8/30/23

 Wednesday, August 30, 2023

In bed at 10, awake at 3 & moved to brr, and up at 3:38, unable to sleep.  55°, high of 66°, mostly sunny day ahead, with continuing high waves & dangerous currents on Lake Michigan.  AQI=24! with the wind N at 13 mph,  8-13/21.    Sunrise at 6:13 at 77°ENE, sunset at 7:30, 13+16.


Super Blue Moon is tomorrow but as I lay in the brr at 3, I raised my hand at one point and thought I must have had my Apple Watch on because my hand and wrist were so illuminated.  I don't wear the watch to bed because its on-and-off illumination is annoying during pss so I looked out the window at the brightest full moon I think I have ever seen.  Its illumination tonight is 98.7%, tomorrow 99.8.  Hoping for a clear sky.


Yesterday's Yo-Yo ride was a bad one, laid low.  I got to wondering whether I've been down since that one week in February 2022 when Putin invaded Russia and Kitty died.  The invasion and its horrors are a constant reminder of what we did in Vietnam and my stupid - I struggle for an accurate descriptor - participation in it,  and Kitty's death, words fail me.  A rough year and a half, but I can't really believe it was that terrible week that triggered my yo-yo emotional swings.  One day up, next day down, one day out and about, next day ferkrimpter.  One day focused, next day muddled.  One night sleep, the next up at 3.  One day complicit in all that is bad especially my own failings of courage or will, , next day oblivious.  One day bemoaning loneliness, next day savoring solitude.  One day compos mentis, next day meshuggeneh.k  Age, age, age.

Two feature pieces on Indian schools in this morning's papers: (1) NYT:  ‘War Against the Children’,New research reveals the vast scope of the Native American boarding school system. Students had to give up their names, their labor and sometimes their lives. and (2) WaPo: More schools that forced American Indian children to assimilate revealed, A nonprofit Native American group has found details about 115 more Indian boarding schools in the United States.  There can be no serious question about the guilt of the United States in genocidal practices against the country's Indigenous Peoples.  One of the first acts of the then newly-created United Nations was the adoption in 1948 of the Genocide Convention.  The vote in the General Assembly was unanimous, but nevertheless the U.S. did not join in the Convention until 40 years later, in 1988, led by Wis. Sen. Bill Proxmire (whose political campaign treasurer was my law partner John Finerty.)  At least this sorry show is better than the U.S.'s persistent refusal to join the international treaties on the use of land mines and cluster munitions.  

The Convention defines genocide as ". any of the following acts committed with intent to destroy, in whole or in part, a national, ethnic, racial or religious group, as such:

(a) Killing members of the group;

(b) Causing serious bodily or mental harm to members of the group;

(c) Deliberately inflicting on the group conditions of life calculated to bring about its physical destruction in whole or in part;

(d) Imposing measures intended to prevent births within the group;

(e) Forcibly transferring children of the group to another group.

Arguably, all those acts except (d) would apply to America's treatment of its Indigenous Peoples.  From the beginning, European settlers/colonists have viewed the indigenous peoples as beneath them, witness, e.g., the words of T. Jefferson in the Declaration of Independence: "[King George III] has excited domestic insurrections amongst us, and has endeavoured to bring on the inhabitants of our frontiers, the merciless Indian Savages whose known rule of warfare, is an undistinguished destruction of all ages, sexes and conditions."  The country's genocidal warfare against 'the merciless Indian Savages' continued long after Independence and included the the terrible history of the Indian Schools, decribed in these 2 articles and many other sources.  It is especially noteworthy how religious organizations, including Catholic relligous orders like the Jesuits, were complicit in the effort to " to destroy, in whole or in part, a national, ethnic, racial or religious group". i..e, the indigenous tribes, through the supposedly benign effort to assimilate them into White majoritarian culture.  At least 523 institutions were part of the sprawling network of schools.

From the NYT article: "Wherever they were located or whoever ran them, the schools largely shared the mission of assimilating Indigenous students by erasing their culture. Children’s hair was cut off; their clothes were burned; they were given new, English names and were required to attend Christian religious services; and they were forced to perform manual labor, both on school premises and on surrounding farms. Those who dared to keep speaking their ancestral languages or observing their religious practices were often beaten."

One thinks of the 'war crimes' howl agains the Russians who have been forcibly moving Ukrainian chidren to Russia to be assimilated.

American Nations, calling a spade a spade.  From the book: "The Founding Fathers of the Deep South . . .  . .did not come directly from Europe.  Rather they were the sons and grandsons of the funders of an older English colony: Barbados, the richest and most horrifying society in the English-speaking world.  The society they founded in Charleston did not seek to replicate rural English manor life or to create a religous utopia in the American wilderness.  Instead, it was a near-carbon copy of the West Indian slave state these Barbadians had left behind, a place notorious even then for its inhumanity.  Enormously profitable to those who controlled it, this unadulterated slave society would spread rapidly across the lowlands of what is now South Carolina, overwhelming the utopian colony of Georgia and spawning the dominant culture of Mississippi, lowland Alabama, the Louisiana Delta country, eastern Texas and Arkansas, western Tennessee, north Florida, and the southeastern portion of North Carolina.  From the outset, Deep Southern culture wa based on radical disparities in wealth and power, with a tiny elite commanding total obedience and enforcing it with state-sponsored terror.  Its expansionist ambitions would put it on a collision course course with its Yankee rivals, triggering military, social, and political conflicts that continue to plague the United States to this day."

Activities.

Geri had lunch with Caela and Liz Breuer, came home with a new coyote whistle.

I got a haircut.




Tuesday, August 29, 2023

8/29/23

 Tuesday, August 29, 2023

In bed around 10, awake at 4, move to brr, distressing regret thoughts, half-awake, half-asleep till 5:55.  66°, high of 77°, Beach Hazards again, waves 4 to 6 feet, currents.  AQI=56, particulates.  Wind SW at 12 mph, 8-15/25. DPs 55-65.  Sunrise at 6:12, sunset at 7:32, 13+19.

Yeats. . . . not a day / But something is recalled, / My conscience or my vanity appalled.

Wisconsin supreme court.  What goes around, comes around.

Bad start, blue day, lost day



Monday, August 28, 2023

8/28/23

 Monday, August 28, 2023

In bed at 9:10,  awake and up at 4:17. 58°, high of 77°, sunny day ahead, AQI=52, wind W at 4 mph, 1-11/20.  DPs 52-61.  Sunrise at 6:11, sunset at 7:33, 13+22.

No GERD.  7 hours of sleep, 2 or 3 pss.  Liver sausage sandwich for dinner, only water with and after dinner.  3-pillow wedge on the bed.

Up and down an 82-year-old yo-yo string.  Totally out of commission yesterday after a hellish night.  Today a different person.  Each day, each night, a crapshoot.😁😧  On the topside of the string, I'm full of potential: reading, writing, painting, soup making, bread baking, etc. (but not much etc.😀).  On the bottom, I'm spent, out of commission, out of steam, no potential energy, no kinetic energy.  I start each day somewhere on that old string, no telling where.

Speaking of which, two pieces in the morning papers attracted my attention this morning.  The first was a collection of reader responses to Perry Bacon's WaPo op-ed on 8/21, I left the church — and now long for a ‘church for the nones’.  The second was an 8/25 printed interview by David Marchese of philosopher and noted atheist Daneil C. Dennett, How to Live a Happy Life, From a Leading Atheist.  Perry Bacon's essay drew 5,888 reader comments.  The Dennett interview has drawn 387 so far.  

The articles are unrelated except in my thinking.'  One of the reader comments to Bacon's essay was by a reader identified only as "AlexanderTheGoodEnough" who wrote: "What Bacon pines for is not at all new. Plato recognized the problem about 2,400 years ago in “The Republic,” and what Plato proposed, and what Bacon lacks, is the essential Socratic “noble lie.” In “The Republic,” a “noble lie” is a myth or a lie knowingly propagated by an elite to maintain social harmony. For nearly two millennia, the Christian church supplied that essential myth for Europeans. The problem now is that, thanks to modern science and the information environment, religion is rapidly losing its power.  The loss of community that has resulted is real and painful. While people might have lost their religion, they’ve not lost their religiosity. People still crave the “religious” communal experience. Thus, they are now substituting all manner of secular communal experiences for effete religion such as rock concerts, sports fandom and, recently and too often dangerously, extreme political involvement and politician worship.  Without a compelling “noble lie” to motivate people, I really cannot offer a truly satisfactory alternative to his lost and bereft religiosity."

In the Dennett interview, the following Q & A appear: So how do you understand religious belief? No problem at all. More people believe in belief in God than believe in God.  We should recognize it and recognize that people who believe in belief in God are sometimes very reluctant to consider that they might be wrong. What if I’m wrong? That’s a question I ask myself a lot. These people do not want to ask that question, and I understand why. They’re afraid of what they might discover. I want to give them an example of somebody who asks the question and is not struck down by lightning. I’m often quoted as saying, “There’s no polite way of telling people they’ve devoted their life to an illusion.” Actually, what I said was, “There’s no polite way of asking people to consider whether they’ve devoted their life to an illusion, but sometimes you have to ask it.”

Dennett is simply urging people to distrust, to question, and ultimately to disbelieve "the noble lie" of theistic religions.  He argues, with Nietzsche, that there is no God, that the existence of a God is essentially 'the noble lie' invented by elites to help maintain order among their lessers.  Nietzsche went further with Christianity in The Anti-Christ, Ecce Homo, Twilight of the Idols and Other Writings, writing: "“Christianity has taken the side of everything weak, base, failed; it has made an ideal out of whatever contradicts the preservation instincts of a strong life; it has corrupted the reason of even the most spiritual natures."  Even the exalted Christian theologian Reinhold Niebuhr recognized that the Christian ideal - Love your neighbor as yourself - is impossible.  "It is natural enough to love one's own  family more than other families and no amount of education will ever eliminate the inverse ratio between the potency of love and the breadth and extension in which it is applied."  Niebuhr, An Interpretation of Christian Ethics.

I've been living with this timeless struggle between Truth and 'The Noble Lie" since I was in 6th grade at St. Leo Grammar School, training to become an altar boy, fearing that I was guilty of the Sin or Doubt, and wondering, as Tom St. John put it  to me decades later "Do you really believe that shit?"  Of course, I am mindful of Oliver Wendell Holmes, Sr.'s insight that "We are all tattooed in our cradles with the beliefs of our tribe; the record may seem superficial, but it is indelible. You cannot educate a man wholly out of the superstitious fears which were early implanted in his imagination; no matter how utterly his reason may reject them, he will still feel as the famous woman did about ghosts, Je n'y crois pas, mais je les crains,—"I don't believe in them, but I am afraid of them, nevertheless."

The early morning sun is shining on the south end of the sofa on its slow way north towards the bricks of the fireplace wall.  The sun rose at 76°E this morning, fully 20° south of its position on the Lake Michigan horizon at the summer solstice and on its way to its 90° due East rise less than a month from now, shortly after the autumn equinox.  My knockoff Modigliani looks down from the wall thinking Like sands through the hourglass, so are the days of our lives.

LTMW at rush hour feeding at the Clausen Corner Feeding Station.  Traffic has slowed as a female Hairy Woodpecker takes her time assessing the choices available in the sunflower seed tube which contains safflower seeds, millet, peanut and some other morsels.  Once she has had her fill, she flies away and a White-bellied Nuthatch takes her upside-down position on the tube.  A male Cardinal preceded the woodpecker and positioned himself on the tube so that the morning sunlight illuminated his crest making it almost translucent.  After the woodpecker and the nuthatch, the finches and chickadees come back until they are harassed by some English sparrows, each of which deserves a Does not play well with others comment on its report card.

Old friend  Larry Anderson, MULS '70, USMC 30 years, coming up from Atlanta on 9/7.  Looking forward to seeing him, good friends for 57 years, a blessing.

Outings.  Busy day.  Trip to Sendik's, trip to the library to drop off and pick up, a trip to Winkie's to get a birthday card for Anh.  Geri called at about 7:30 p.m. to say she was between Kenosha and Racine on her way home, making me glad I had a big bowl of beef barley soup at 6:45 to avoid eating late (GERD).



Sunday, August 27, 2023

8/27/23

 Sunday, August 27, 2023

In bed around 9:30, up from the brr at 8:02 after a hellish night with GERD, one of the worst episode.  64°, high of 70°, partly cloudy day but sunny afternoon & evening.   AQI=24😊, wind E at 8 mph, 2-14/20, DPs 52-59.  The sun rose at 6:10, sets at 7:35, 13+25.   

GERD from Hell.  Burning throat, coughing, gasping, going through countless Kleenex's.  I spent most of the night on the recliner.  Cause unknown: Mediterranean chicken for dinner, one glass of chablis with dinner at about 6:30, one glass of zinfandel around 8:30, no snacks after dinner.  A wiped-out day ahead.

Life in Dystopia.  Saturday evening news: (1) Mass shooting at a Dollar General store in Florida with 3 Black fatalities plus the White neo-Nazi shooter in his early 20s who shot himself; (2) Terror at a high school football game in Oklahoma, 3 people shot, 16-year-old boy dead; (3) Inside Comisky Park, 2 women shot during a baseball game.


I Am Become Death
.  I watched this one hour documentary on OVID this afternoon, about Robert Oppenheimer and the development and employment of the atom bomb against Hiroshima and Nagasaki.  It reawakened my fears of these weapons, many times more powerful than the bombs dropped on Japan, being available to so many countries, so many human beings, including the like of Vladimir Putin.  And I recall that there were many calls to use the American nuclear arsenal against North Vietnam as we were fighting, and eventually losing, a futile war against them.

Geri and Sue will be doing their geneological work tody and tomorrow in Arlington Heights.

Saturday, August 26, 2023

8/26/23

 Saturday, August 26, 2023

In bed at 8:40, awake on onto brr at 3:53, hoping for some more sleep but bait bucket minnows interfering so up at 4:33 to let Lilly out.   67°, high of  70°. Beach Hazard: waves of 3 to 6 feet and dangerous currents all day.AQI=27.  N wind at 9 mp, 2-18/27. DPs 56-66.  Sunrise at 5:39, sunset at 7:37, 13+28.


Working on eyes recently, long way to go

The Well-Lived Life.  David Brooks has an essay in The Atlantic online "THE NEW OLD AGE: What a new life stage can teach the rest of us about how to find meaning and purpose—before it’s too late."  I am not among his fans for reasons I can't quite identify, but I found this essay very interesting because it addresses thoughts I deal with with some frequency in what one of his subjects calls "the third trimester of life," 'playing the back nine,' i.e., post-retirement and old age.  More particularly, he deals with 3 year-long post-retirement educational program at Stanford, Notrre Dame, and Harvard, focused on living the time available between retirement from a career and incapacity and death, the period some people think of as 'waiting around to die' and others find liberating, exciting, and rewarding.  These are programs for the highly-privileged elites, persons who are able to afford the high tuition and costs required and who can spend a year in Palo Alto, South Bend, or Cambridge.   The University of Chicago is launching its own post-career program this fall, one at which Brooks and his wife will teach.  These programs are not designed for Joe Lunchbucket and Betty Babushka but Brooks suggests "[T]he lessons the super-elite learn there apply more broadly than just to them. People at all income levels derive some of their identity from how they contribute to the world and provide for those they love, and people at all income levels feel a crisis of identity, and get thrown back on existential questions, when those roles change or fade away."

"In the 21st century, another new phase [of life] is developing, between the career phase and senescence. People are living longer lives. If you are 60 right now, you have a roughly 50 percent chance of reaching 90. In other words, if you retire in your early or mid-60s, you can expect to have another 20 years before your mind and body begin their steepest decline."

"“We cannot live the afternoon of life according to the programme of life’s morning,” Carl Jung observed. “For what was great in the morning will be little at evening, and what in the morning was true will at evening have become a lie.” As they leave their corner-office jobs, these erstwhile masters of the universe are smashing into this blunt reality."

"But how on earth did we end up with a society in which 65-year-olds have to take courses to figure out who they are, what they really want, and what they should do next? How did we wind up with a culture in which people’s veins pop out in their neck when they are forced to confront their inner lives?  The answer is that we live in a culture that has become wildly imbalanced, like a bodybuilder who has pumped his right side up to excessive proportion while allowing his left side to shrivel away. To put it another way, a well-formed life is governed by two different logics. The first is the straightforward, utilitarian logic that guides us through our careers: Input leads to output; effort leads to reward; pursue self-interest; respond to incentives; think strategically; climb the ladder; impress the world. This is the logic that business schools teach you.  But there is a second and deeper logic to life, gift logic, which guides us as we form important relationships, serve those around us, and cultivate our full humanity. This is a logic of contribution, not acquisition; surrender, not domination. It’s a moral logic, not an instrumental one, and it’s full of paradox: You have to give to receive. You have to lose yourself to find yourself. You have to surrender to something outside yourself to gain strength within yourself."

"A well-lived life, at any stage, is lived within the tension between these two logics. The problem is that we have managed to build a world in which utilitarian logic massively eclipses moral logic. The brutal meritocracy has become such an all-embracing cosmos, many of us have trouble thinking outside of it. From an early age, the pressure is always on to win gold stars, to advance, optimize, impress. That endless quest for success can come at the expense of true learning. Many of the students I’ve taught over the years don’t have time for intellectual curiosity or spiritual growth—a condition that only worsens through adulthood as their obligations proliferate."

Brooks concludes: "These programs should not just be for rich people; they are in urgent need of democratization. Tens of millions of people transition to their Encore phase every year. Attending less rarified versions of these programs, if only for a couple of weeks or sporadically throughout the year, should be a rite of passage leading up to retirement. . . . I’m not an entrepreneur, but while working on this story, a fantasy kept popping into my head: Somebody should start a company called Transition Teams. This would be a firm that helps people organize into cohorts during life’s crucial transitions—after college, after divorce, after a professional setback, after the death of a spouse, after retirement. These are pivotal moments when the most humane learning takes place, and yet America today lacks the sort of programs or institutions that could gentle the transitions and maximize the learning through mutual support. (In the old days, the Elks Club or the Ladies Auxiliary or the VFW hall or your worship community might have helped, but they’ve receded in recent decades, as has been well documented.)"

Some thoughts: (1) At UofC, Brooks will be an ultra-elite teaching (if that's the right word) other ultra-elites.  He's a UofC grad himself who worked for a time at William F. Buckley's National Review and other conservative and neo-con pubs, a secular Jew who converted to Christianity, which has me scratching my head and rubbing my chin.  (2) I'm sure I'm overstating this, but his wish that there were broadly available programs for transitioning life major changes (a) seems a bit Pollyannaish, and (b) also a bit noblesse oblige coming after his description of the mollycoddling provided to the elites in the programs at Harvard, Stanford, Notre Dame, et al.  With all of the needs and challenges facing American society today, might there be something a  little bit obscene in these fabulously wealthy institutions devoting resources to helping elite CEOs, managers, and other professionals navigate the transition between 'the career phase and senescence'?  Some of folks transitiion to work broadly benefitting society and the less-privileges, but others transitiion to playwriting, paintingl (like me), or other satisfying but purely personal pursuits.  (3) On a personal note, I confess to wrestling with the same existential questions addressed by the participants in these programs: Who am I?  What's my purpose?  What do I really want? and Do I matter?  They are all questions of personal meaning, how to justify living, being alive after a productive, working life ends.  The questions become only more difficult once one reaches, as Brooks puts it, the "years [when] your mind and body begin their steepest decline."


The eyes of Dr. T. J. Eklburg on the billboard from The Great Gatsby, painted on a piece of cardboard saved from some delivery packaging.


I Have a Dream - 60 years later.  From my memoir:

I turned 22 on Saturday, August 24, 1963.  Two historically significant events were occurring on that birthday, one very public, the other very secret.  

The public occurrence was that hundreds, perhaps thousands, of buses and cars and trucks in caravans from Florida and Georgia, from Alabama and Mississippi, from the Carolinas and Virginia were starting to drive north to pass our little apartment on US 1 for the civil rights “March on Washington.”  On the 28th, Martin Luther King delivered his “I Have a Dream” speech from the steps of the Lincoln Memorial as about 200,000 listened on the Mall.  Less than three weeks later, a bomb killed four young girls at the Sixteenth Street Baptist Church in Birmingham. Three months before the speech, Medgar Evers, field secretary of the Mississippi NAACP, had been shot dead in front of his home.  Our country was deeply torn by racial divisions.

King’s dream was a long way from realization.  The South was still almost completely segregated by law and custom; the North was almost equally segregated, witness Msgr. Malloy’s campaign to “keep the undesirables out of St. Leo parish.”  The Marine Corps and the Navy remained highly segregated, though not by force of law.  In 1949, before the start of the Korean War, there were only 1,525 blacks in the Marines, half of them serving as ‘stewards’ or mess hall workers, the others in all black units

    The last all black unit was not disbanded until December,1951.  It wasn’t until 1962 that the Marine Corps stopped the practice of never assigning black Marines to certain billets and certain duty stations, e.g., as recruiters or reserve instructors in the racially segregated areas.  In 1950, there were only two black officers on active duty in the Marines; in, 1955, only 19, most of them reservists serving out tours of duty begun during the Korean War.  By 1962, there were 13,351 black enlisted men in the Corps but still only 34 black officers, all of whom were “company grade,” i.e., captain (7), lieutenants (25) and warrant officers (2).  There were no ‘field grade’ officers, majors and colonels, and no general officers .  Though I’m sure that some black second lieutenants went through Basic School in 1963, I do not recall seeing any.  There is some irony in the nickname of my Basic School. platoon commander, Capt. Cliff “Whitey” Johnson, a salty Korean War vet.

I am reminded that in 1963 interracial marriage was a felony in Virginia where I lived.  It wasn't until 1967, in Loving v. Virginia, that the Supreme Court struck down 'miscegenation' laws.

I am also reminded of how much and how little progress the country has made in racial equity since MLK's "I have a dream" speech.  Two poems comes to mind.  Emily Dickinson's couplet:  In this short life /  that only lasts an hour  /  How much - / how little / Is within our power. and William Blake's  Every Morn and every Night  / Some are Born to sweet delight  / Some are Born to sweet delight  / Some are Born to Endless Night 

I am also reminded that in November of that year, JFK was assassinated in Dallas and Ngo Dinh Diem was assassinated in Saigon, with American government comlicity.  And that MLK himself and later RFK were assassinatin in 1968.  It was the best of times.  It was the worst of times.  Or have we seen the worst of times?

[The private occurrence on that 22nd birthday was that, as we watched the parade of vehicles heading north to D.C., President Kennedy authorized a State Department cable to be sent to U. S. Ambassador Henry Cabot Lodge in Vietnam backing a military coup against the regime of Ngo Ðinh Ðiem (and his brother Ngo Ðinh Nhu and his notorious sister-in-law, Madame Nhu).]

Pearls Before Swine by Stephan Pastis

Pearls Before Swine on August 26, 2023



Thursday, August 24, 2023

8/24/23

Thursday, August 24, 2023

almost typed '1941'

In bed at 8:20, awake at 3:20, moved to brr and up at 4:00, with Zip-a-Dee-Doo-Dah lyrics bouncing around my brain. 69°, high of 90°, AQI=41.  The wind is N at 4 mph,  3-11/21.  DPs today 67 to 77😰.  No rain in sight.  Sunrise at 6:06 at 74°NE, sunset at 7:40, 13+33.

Pelvic pain day.  More shooting pains.  Not good.

A Dystopian Conundrum At last night's Republican presidential debate show (which I studiously avoided) Bret Baier said 'Milwaukee had 30 shootings last weekend." Quaere: What constitutes a "shooting"?  Actually, there were 2 mass shootings, 26 people were wounded, and at least 3 victims died.  9 people were wounded Saturday night at 14th & Burnham.  Was that one shooting or 9, based on the number of persons hit by the shooter?  Or should it be based on the number of rounds shot from the shooting weapon?  On Sunday, 4 people were shot at 13th & Mitchell.  One shooting or 4? or more?  What should we count - how many shooters were shooting?  How many people were shot? How many shots were fired?  

In any event, I was entirely reassured 😂 by Mayor Cavalier Johnson's reaction, saying on Monday that the gun violence is "entirely unacceptable" and that his thoughts are with the shooting victims, as well as their families and friends.  To drive his point home, he added  “I insist our criminal justice system fully prosecute and punish those responsible for this violence.  I am directing our Office of Violence Prevention to take every reasonable step to educate, intervene and mediate so that we can reduce the gun violence here."  

Moishe Pipek is a fictional Yiddish name with many connotations, but literally Moses Bellybutton.  I've come to think of one Milwaukee attorney, a former student of mine, whose face I see whenever the television is turned on and even on internet ads.  He is ubiquitous, impossible to ignore and impossible for me to avoid thinking of him as Narcissus, the mythological boy who fell in love with his own image reflected in a pool.   He reminds me of Woody Allen's mother  Sadie Milstein whose huge visage looms in the sky above her son Sheldon, impossible to escape, in his film Oedipus Wrecks.  

VA cancellation.  Dr. Chatt had the office call to ask if I'd like to reschedule today's visit because of the heat, which I did, to 9/6.  Also rescheduled video visit with Jill Hansen re diabetes meds.

Birthday call from Sarah.  On the Skype call for almost an hour💗

Lovely email from my Bavarian pen pal.  "Hallo Lieber Charles....

Wir Wünschen Dir Alles, alles Gute zu Deinem Geburtstag.   Hauptsache gesund bleiben.Und Hauptsache Zufriedenheit mit der ganzen Familie.  Wir haben wieder eine schöne Familie. Treffen gehabt. Die Jugend hat uns gut versorgt, es war Wunder schon.

Schöne Grüße an Deine Liebe Frau Geri  und an Die ganze Familie.

Liebe Grüße  Olga und Gerhard"

Geri refuses to serve me leftovers on my birthday.  We were planning on finishing the Mediterranean Chicker dish we had last night which was especially tasty; I loved it.  Geri stopped at the store this afternoon and returned with a birthday New York strip steak, fresh corn on the cob, the makings for mashed potatoes, and a small chocolate birthday cake💓

LTMW at a little immature male house finch.



 



 

Wednesday, August 23, 2023

8/23/23

 Wednesday, August 23, 2023

The last day of my 82nd year of life, the son and first-born of married, teen-aged parents who were born during the Roaring 20s and grew up during the Great Depression living in the Englewood neighborhood on Chicago's South side, he the descendent of Iowa agrarians, she the daughter of poor Irish immigrants, both raised in the bosom of their Church which forbade them to embrace each other's bodies without the benefit of the God-gifted and priest-officiated Sacrament of Holy Matrimony of which they partook at Englewood's St. Bernard's Church on August 3, 1940, and after which they manage to forestall pro-creating (along with God the Creator) me until August 24, 1941, the anniversary of which I will note tomorrow with gratitude to those teen-aged parents who, thanks be to God, had no idea what Life had in store for him, for her, or for their children.  Quia tu es, Deus, fortitudo mea: quare me repulisti? et quare tristis incedo, dum affligit me inimicus?

In bed at 11, awake at 5:30, moved to brr, up at 5:50, let Lilly out twice. 74°, high of 96°😓, Excessive Heat Warning today and tomorrow, AQI=67, Canadian particulates. The wind is SW at 9 mph, 4-13/23.  DPs 67 to 76😰.  Sunrise at 6:06, sunset at 7:42, 13+36.

Sinead's Rememberings.  I finished the book today.  Some thoughts: (1) I was very surprised to learn that she spent some time at the VA hospital in Chicago as a volunteer in the 'No Vet Dies Alone' program, a program our friend Rita Burns also serves in Topeka.  (2)  In one chapter she refers to herself as a piece of shit' or something similar and in another she refers to her "sins which are ugly and legion",  which made me wonder about self-loathing and, if this were true of her, how it related to her demand that she be permitted to be herself, difficult, off-putting, and self-defeating as that so often was. "I cause a lot of upset on this earth.  Being the kind of person I am."  (3) I don't know what the standards are, if any, for judging whether a memoir is well done, but I think that Rememberings is not very well done.  It seems as - I'm looking for an accurate adjective - as her life was, messed up, disjointed, nonlinear, dis-integrated.  The second half of the memoir is basically a series of anecdotes about, e.g. Muhammed Ali, Lou Reed, her children, et al., although it contains a harrowing description of her time in a 'trauma treatment' facility on Dr. Phil's dime.  Indeed her description of her 'breakdown' is harrowing. (4)  Overall, I am sorry I read the book.  I feel kind of dirty, like a Peeping Tom.  I can't believe she was well when she wrote the book, at least the second half of it which she wrote post-breakdown.  At one point I thought to myself that she is simply a flake, flakey, but I suspect she really was sick, unwell.  And of course I wonder how it was that she died recently at age 54.  And I wonder what led to her son Shane's suicide at age 17.

Headline in this morning's NYT: It Is No Longer Possible to Escape What We Have Done to Ourselves by Serge Schmemann.  It's an op-ed piece about climate change and the massive Canadian wildfires but I'm thinking that headline could as readily refer to urban gun violence, political polarization, income and wealth inequality,  persistent systemic racism, bipartisan distrust of and disgust at our government, and what else? 

LTMW at a large black moth or smallish butterfly hanging onto the sunflower seed feeder.  It seems suicidal to me, i.e., that the moth would make a nice meal for the right-sized bird.


Tuesday, August 22, 2023

8/22/23

 Tuesday, August 22, 2023

In bed at 10, awake at 5, moved to brr, up at 5:30, back and pelvic pain, feeling pretty miserable.  Let Lilly out, 68°, high 76°, sunny day, AQI=49, wind SE at 7 mph, 2-12/18, DPs 63-65.  Sunrise 5:34, sunset 7:43,  13+39.

Miserimeter.  I start the day feeling pretty miserable with the usual morning back pain on top of (literally) pelvic floor pain.  Plus mood misery.  Two cups of coffee help.

LTMW  Bird fight!  Bird fight! a sparrow and a downy woodpecker.  Woodpecker wins and sets up shop on the sunflower seed tube.

A gouache drawing on watercolor paper from a few years ago

Sinead's Rememberings.  I'm about 3/4 through the memoir and have mixed feelings about it.  Her life was so radically different from mine that I have a hard time relating to it.  I don't judge her or her behavior except in positive ways: admiration for her extraordinary talents and for her courage and persistence plus sympathy for her long-sufferings.  I am sympathetic too with her spiritual yearnings though I can't claim to understand them, such as her desire to a priest or her finding Islam easier to embrace that Christianity or Judaism or Baha'i or Jainism or any other "ism."  In the chapter "Gospel Oaks", she writes that she was seeing a psychiatrist, 6 days a week when she 'was very lonely' and that she was so lonely because she "is a difficult personality."  It's easy to agree with her self-assessment.  It's also easy to surmise that long before she was 'officially' mentally-ill, she was on her way to mental illness.  She reports a lot of thoughts that are hard to understand, about God and the priesthood for example.  Her personality was not only 'difficult', whatever that means, but also unstable. She speaks and apparently thinks in hyperboles.  There seems to be little room for nuance or subtlety in her writing, her thinking, or her emotions.  She was wildly in love with many men, slept with a great many moreed and seems pretty casual(for lack of a more accurate term) about getting pregnant with her 4 children as well as theseveral  pregnancies she miscarried and aborted. The personality challenges she encountered throughout her life pretty clearly all started with her childhood, especially her abusive mother.  

Today's WaPo: I’m turning 85. Is Alzheimer’s coming for me? By Elaine Soloway.  Could just as easily have been titled "I'm turning 82, or 75, . . .  '   "In less than a month, I’ll celebrate my 85th birthday. This is a poorly wrapped gift. Proportion of Americans 85 or older with Alzheimer’s disease: 33 percent. The number only increases with age."  There is no escaping the numbers; they're grim.  "[I]n my apartment, every surface contains a reporter’s notebook with a pen pal nearby. . . But now I recall an older relative whose apartment was festooned with notes. His handwriting became illegible over time, likely ruined by his crumbling brain."  Little crumpled notes stuck in every pocket - who does that remind me of?

How often have I wondered why I keep writing in this journal and how often have I thought: it's a way of trying to detect cognitive decline or dementia.  Can I still type?  Can I put more than two sentences together coherently?  Any noticeable signs of creeping dementia?  confusion? Are coherent, if erroneous, thoughts in the journal a cover for the incoherent, irrational thoughts that come in the middle of the night, or the early morning, predawn, waking-up times?  The minnows in the bait bucket, the caged squirrels?

Elaine Soloway who wrote this little essay is the mother of Jill (now Joey) Soloway who created, wrote, produced, and directed Transparent, which Geri and I watched on Amazon Prime in 2014.  It was based on the life of her father, Elaine's husband Harry Holoway.  Jill/Joey now identifies herself as non-binary and says her preferred pronouns (words fail me) are they and them.


Driving fears home: this morning while Geri was schmoozing with a neighbor, an elderly man approached them and said that he was lost, and that he didn't know his name or where he lived.  Geri called the Bayside PD and an officer showed up.  Eventually the gentleman retreived some memory, including his name and birthday and his former occupation as a silk-stocking attorney with a blue-chip law firm, his address in a neigboring suburb was determined, and Geri and the neighbor drove him home where his wife was anxiously waiting in their driveway.  The gentleman is a year younger than I am.😰😱

The piece to the left is a chintzy gouache and colored pencil knockoff of one of Munch's famous Scream paintings I included in one of the 5 volumes of my Life in the Time of Coronavirus watercolor sketchbooks.  The black blob over the screamer's head represented the deadly virus, or the fear of it, but it can as easily represent the fear of dementia among us old timers. 





Monday, August 21, 2023

8/21/23

 Monday, August 21, 2023

In bed at 9, in brr twice, awake about 2:50, up at 3:15, bait bucket thoughts of Sinead, tour bus, my blue-collar roots.  66°, high of 76°, Excessive Heat Watch Wednesday and Thursday, AQI=71, wind NE at 10 mph, 7-11/19, no rain in sight, DPs 62-64, 90%. Sunrise at 6:03 at 73°NE, sunset at 7:45, 13+41. 

On This Date in Vietnam, 1963.  Xá Lợi Pagoda raids: The Army of the Republic of Vietnam Special Forces loyal to Ngô Đình Nhu, brother of President Ngo Dinh Diem, vandalizes Buddhist pagodas across the country, arresting thousands and leaving an estimated hundreds dead.  I was at the Officers Basic School at MCB, Quantico VA, living in a teeny apartment off US 1 in Stafford VA, freshly conned by Ted Neumann Uniforms, soon to learn the facts of 'Jimmy' Hartmann's crime against my mother, Kitty, and me, having nary a clue about Vietnam, Ngo Dinh Diem (who would be assassinated on 11/2/63) nor Ngo Dinh Nhu nor the glamorous 'Dragon Lady' Madame Nhu, ("Whoever has the Americans as allies does not need any enemies." 11/2/63) and "I may shock some by saying 'I would beat such provocateurs ten times more if they wore monks robes,' and 'I would clap hands at seeing another monk barbecue show, for one can not be responsible for the madness of others." 8/14/63).

Dystopia: 4 dead, 27 injured in weekend shootings in Milwaukee, including 9 injured in one incident.  A 17-year-old girl is the 18th child to die by gunshot in Milwaukee this year.  

Much more news media coverage is given to the Brewers, the Packers, and high school sports than to homicides and shootings.

Pelvic pain all day.  Hard to focus on anything.  Out of commission.


Sunday, August 20, 2023

8/20/23

 Sunday, August 20, 2023

In bed at 9, up at 5:30, let Lilly out.  61°, high of 83°, mostly sunny, AQI=53. The wind is W at 7 mph, 6-11/21.  DPs today are 64 to 73😦  No rain in sight.  Sunrise at 5:32, 72°E,  sunset at 746, 13+44.

Sinead's Rememberings.  She writes as she speaks and apparently as she thinks and feels and usually in the present tense and in the vernacular.  It can be pretty powerful. ("I ain't gonna be winning the Booker Prize anytime soon.  And I ain't Bob Dylan or Shakespeare or even in the class of my amazing brother Joseph as a writer.")   Her chapters are short and easy to read.  For some reason, her writing reminds me of James Joyce and Ulysses, though I don't know why, and never did finish Ulysses.  I guess it's because of the use of the present tense, her candor, and the disclosure of just what is going through her mind at the times she writes about, as in the stream-of-consciousness style in Ulysses.  Maybe that was what she was striving for but who knows.  In any event, I am thinking particularly of her short chapter on her mother's death when Sinead was 18 (writing in the past tense.)  "In the funeral home, my father cried over my mother's body.  Said, "I'm sorry, Marie," over and over.  That made me angry too.  Why sorry now and not before?  Why no "I'm sorry" from either of them to the four of us [children]!  Why conduct a war and then say "Sorry" when someone is dead!  I ran away, out of the funeral home.  Down the road through Glasthule and into Dun Laoghaire.  I don't think I'll ever stop running.  I don't know how I'll ever not be angry.  Nothing is ever gonna be fixed now."  I've seen her in interviews say that she loves her mother and believes her mother had been mistreated by her mother as she mistreated Sinead and the grandmother mistreated, and so on.  Nature/nurture thoughts, turtles all the way down, and all that.

Today's WaPo features a 26-minute audio report by Geoff Edgers, A Road Trip with Sinead O'Connor.  For anyone who thinks warmly of Sinead, as I do, it's very touching, especially the concluding minutes in which he plays his recording of her singing Horse on a Highway about her son Shane.  I have to believe that Sinead's death at age 54 was related to Shane's suicide at 17.  I also can't read or think about her fractured life without thinking she suffered from PTSD her entire life.  A story in this morning's WaPo: Study: Kids who’ve been assaulted are more likely to develop mental illness.  Ya think?

The photo that I printed along with these notes is of Sinead at about age 5, looking side-eyed at whoever is photographing her.  I'm reading a lot into her look, knowing what I know of her life, but the wary look on her young face, with her already the victim of physical abuse from her mother, seems to be saying "I'm onto you." 

An excerpt from Rememberings, referring to the Troubles in the North and the IRA hunger strikers:  "They'd all been killing each other up there since as far back as I could remember.  It was horrible on the news, fire and blood, and kids and old people screaming in the streets.  And shit all over the prison walls and hollow-eyed skinny men whose coffins were so light, they could have been carried by one small child.  And gunmen at funerals and men torn from cars and killed.  Through it all, Margaret Thatcher's hair was always perfectly set."

Milwaukee dystopia.  9 people were shot in 10 hours last night, downtown bar district and Northside.

Monarch butterflies in thebackyardd on Geri's butterfly plants, on their way to Mexico.

Ukraine bloodbath, slugfest, endurance contest, stalemate.  I am reminded of both Korea and Vietnam.



Saturday, August 19, 2023

8/19/23

 Saturday, August 19, 2023

Kitty's birthday


In bed around 10, moved to BRR at 2, up at 2:35.  70°, high of 81°, sunny day ahead, AQI=70, wind SSW at 8 mph, 6-14/22.  DPs 55 to 67.  Sunrise at 6:01, sunset at 7:48, 13+47.  

My FB post on August 19, 2021. on my last visit with Kitty:  On this date in 1944, in the Englewood neighborhood on the South Side of Chicago, a beautiful and courageous and saintly 21-year-old mother, who was one of God’s gifts to this world,  gave birth to a daughter who was destined to become an image of her mother, beautiful, courageous, and saintly, another of God’s gifts to the world.  When Mother Mary brought the precious daughter home to her little basement apartment, her waiting brother, about to turn 3 years old, is reported to have said “Take her back.  She doesn’t play.”  That was just the first of many mistakes that their almost 3 year old brother would make in his life, but he learned soon enough that that new sister of his, would become throughout their 2 long lifetimes, his best friend, his confidante, his soul-sister as well as his biological sister.  He would come to love and admire her as she grew into a woman like their mother: beautiful in so many ways, courageous in so many ways, and saintly in so many ways.  As they grew older and older, with lifetimes of living behind them, the brother would share his belief in the saintliness of his sister with their father, who would chuckle because he sometimes saw her when she was impatient, or ‘bossy’, or angry at one thing or another, and the now-old brother would suggest to the even older father that he just didn’t know what real saints looked like.  The saintly sister herself would join in dismissing the idea that she was St. Kitty of Emerald Avenue and the brother would have to remind her and their father that real saints aren’t God and they are not angels - they are all human beings who get impatient, ‘bossy’, and even angry at times.  What makes them saints was described by Jesus in Chapter 25 of the Gospel of St. Matthew:  I was hungry and you gave me food.  I was thirsty and you gave me water.  I was sick and you cared for me.  I needed a home and you took you into your home.  So of course the brother, who had made many mistakes in his own life over many years, was not mistaken in describing his sister, whom he loved so much, as a Saint.  Nor is he mistaken in thanking God for giving him the blessing of his beautiful, courageous, and saintly sister, so very much like their dear mother.🙏❤️


At 3:50 a.m., Lilly decides it is an excellent time to be outside in the dark, at her post, lying on the grass and enjoying the night air.  I lure her back into the house offering a treat.  At 7:00, she's out again.


Reading Sinead O'Connor's memoir Rememberings.  It's style is pretty unique, just like the author.  I'm only at page 40 but I think I will see it through till its conclusion.  I'm surprised at the level of stealing she engaged in, a major reason she ended up in the girl's reformatory, old Magdeleine Laundry.  She shames me a bit by her having caught on so quickly to the Irish Catholic Church's BS, mind control propaganda, oppression of women and children and so on.  I've also watched several recorded interviews of her and am struck by her apparent candor and absence of guile.  I never see her stopping to think through an answer before responding to a question.

A poetic FB post on January 8. 2022.

As I sit on my recliner

Eating my corned beef hash and eggs, 

Wearing my favorite nightshirt,

The James Webb Telescope,

Son of Hubble,

Courses through space, 

0.2489 miles per second, 

663,760 miles from Earth,  increasing,

224,882 miles from the orbital destination, decreasing,

Waiting to deploy its starboard primary mirror.

I forget for a time

The State of the Union.

3 a.m. on Kitty's birthday, reading poems by Hayden Carruth and drinking day-old 50/50 coffee, listening to Beethoven String Quartet #14 in C.

February Morning, Hayden Carruth

The old man takes a nap / too soon in the morning / His coffee cup grows cold.

Outside the snow falls fast. / He'll not go out today. / Others must clear the way / to the car and the shed. / Open upon his lap / lie the poems of Mr. Frost.

Somehow his eyes get lost / in the words and the snow, / Somehow they go

Backward against the words, / upward among the flakes / to the great silence of air.

The blank abundance there. / Should he take warning? / Mr. Frost went off, they say,

In bitterness and despair. / The old man stirs and wakes, / hearing the hungry birds,

Nuthatch, sparrow, and jay, / clamor outside, unfed, / and words stir from his past

Like this agitated sorrow / of jay, nuthatch, and sparrow, / classical wrath which takes

No shape in a song. / He climbs the stairs to bed. / The snow falls all day long.

Dead Pulp, Hayden Carruth

After a lifetime of self-loathing, finally / this.  For days he wears only his ragged /

undershorts which ought to be against the law. / What was strong once, and reasonably

good-looking has gone to sag and shrivel / and adiposity in the sweltering heat.

The big trucks grind sluggishly up the hill / carrying dead pulp to the paper mill.


Joe Biden: Liar, confabulator, or B.S. artist?  When Biden visited Milwaukee last Tuesday, he was caught telling 4 falsehoods in his one speech.  He claimed he had significantly reduced the national debt, whereas that debt has significantly increased during his administration.   He claimed to have had a conversation with his favorite Amtrak conductor at a time when the conductor was long dead, among other inaccuracies.  He claimed that his paternal grandfather had died in the same hospital in Scranton where Joe Biden was born 6 days later, whereas the grandfather died in Baltimore more than a year before Joe's birth.  He claimed that he personally witnessed a famous bridge collapse in Pittsburgh on January 28, 2022, whereas the bridge collapsed more than 6 hours before Biden arrived in Pittsburgh.  Biden has uttered these misrepresentations before and has always been corrected in press reports.  Biden has a long history of speaking falsehoods, often ones that enhance his standing like the video of him claiming that he went to law school on a full scholarship (false) and graduated in the top half of his class (false) and that he graduated with 3 degrees from undergraduate school (false) and was the top student in the political science department (false).  In law school, Biden "borrowed" an entire 5 pages of a published law review article without attribution and had to beg not to be expelled.  When he was Obama's VP, Biden told a story about a visit to Afghanistan to honor a heroic naval officer. Biden described the officer’s actions in detail, adding, “This is God’s truth, my word as a Biden.” But according to a review in the Washington Post, no such incident occurred.  The list of patent falsehoods over many years goes on and on and raises the question: what are we to think of the essential honesty of Joseph Robinette Biden, Jr.?  At best, he is a confabulator (unlikely), and at worst just another BS artist politician which is to say, a liar.

But I shouldn't conflate the two, the bullshitter and the liar.  In Harry Frankfurt's famous essay On Bullshit, he writes: 

"It is impossible for someone to lie unless he thinks he knows the truth.  Producing bullshit requires no such conviction.  A person who lies is thereby responding to the truth, and he is to that extent respectful of it.  When an honest man speaks, he says only what he believes to be true; and for the liar, it is correspondingly indispensable that he considers his statements to be false.  The bullshittter, however, all these bets are off: he is neither on the side of the true nor on the side of the false.  His eye is not on the facts at all, as the eyes of the honest man and of the liar are, except insofar as they may be pertinent to his interest in getting away with what he says.  He does not care whether the things he says describe reality correctly.  He just picks them out or makes them up, to suit his purpose."

So, with JB, we can take our pick: liar, confabulator, or bullshitter.  In any case, his word can't be trusted.

Friday, August 18, 2023

8/18/23

 Friday, August 18, 2023

In bed at 11, awake at 4:30? 5:00?, thinking of Kitty, moved to BRR till 5:30.  56°, high of 74°, sunny morning, cloudy afternoon ahead, Air Quality Alert until 6 a.m. on Monday, wildfires, partiulates & ozone.  The wind is WNW at 9 mph, 4-9/17.  No rain expected for the next 10 days.  Sunrise at 6:00, sunset at 7:50, 13+49. 

Thinking of Kitty.  Tomorrow would be her 79th birthday.   If only.   I've been thinking of her approaching birthday all month.  It is birthday season in my famiy.  Kitty on the 19th, me on the 24th, cousin Doug on the 28th, cousin Jimmy on 9/5 and my Dad on 9/9.  There is an article in the current Atlantic  by Angela Chen titled "The Longest Relationships of Our Lives:  As brothers and sisters grow up, what they do can determine whether they stay stuck in their childhood roles—or break free of them."  Kitty was my longest relationship, 77 and ½ years.  With my Dad it was 65 years, and with Mom, not even 32.  Of the three of them, my longest and in many ways my closest relationship was with Kitty, especially in the last years of her life.  The numbers are a bit misleading in terms of real relationships.  My father and I had a strained relationship for much of our lives, a consequnce of his PTSD after the war and all that entailed for my mother, Kitty, and me..  We didn't speak for 13 years after my mother's death, but even before that we were never close.  Our only years of real friendship began in 1995 when his mother died and 2007 when he died, 12 or 13 years for which I am profoundly thankful.  My mother and I always had a loving relationship, though she was more faithful to it than I was after I left home at 18, a matter of deep regret for me.  But Kitty and I were always pretty tight, especially in childhood and in old age.  When we were both working and living in different states and raising our families we did not have as much contact as we should have, but there was always a tight emotional bond that we shared and that grew stronger as we grew older.  As I type these thoughts I wonder whether I should go back into the years of text messages which we shared every morning and which I have saved on my telephone and on this laptop, but I think today it would only make me sad.

Some thoughts: Kitty cried when I went away to college.  She told me she was devastated by my leaving.  I was so wrapped up in my own fears, anxieties, etc., I doubt that I gave any thought  at all to her feelings.  Mom, Dad, and Kitty drove me up to Milwaukee to check into my dormitory, have lunch at some local eatery, and then the three of them drove back to Chicago, probably saying little but knowing a big change was occurring in the family.  I was a Kitty's big supporter and big friend; I don't find it hard now to believe her report of being laid low by my leaving although I would have been surprised to know it at the time.

During my first year at Marquette, I experienced my first drunkeness and wretched hangover.  It was on a Thursday night at the old Forst Keller tavern at 9th and Juneau on the Pabst Brewery campus.  As luck would have it, I was to take the train back to Chicago for that weekend, which I did, with my freshman roommate Joe Daley.  My mother was working that evening when I arrived home with Joe, but Kitty had gone out of her way to make one of my then favorite dishes, fried shrimp with a spicy cocktail sauke.  I couldn't eat it and to this day I feel guilty.

She was with my mother in the vestibule of their apartment building when my mother opened my letter from Japan telling them that I was on my way to Vietnam.  Kitty told me that my mother cried when she read it; she didn't say whether she did but I suspect she did as she tried to reassure our Mom.

I learned late in life that Kitty believed (accurately, I think) that our father was jealous of us, of Kitty and me.  She believed that he thought our Mom devoted too much attention to us and inferentially too little to him.  I think she was correct in this thinking.  He resisted my mother's desire to live near Kitty after Kitty married and he made a point of discouraging visiting.  He was a troubled soul not only during our childhoods but even after Kitty married at age 22.  His emotional troubles had lasting effects on both Kitty and me.

I am recalling once when I came home from college for a weekend and Kitty had a date with some guy I either knew or didn't know, but didn't trust.  They came home late and sat in his car in front of the apartment building and I kept watching the car from our second-floor,  front room window and when I thought they had been in it long enough, I went downstairs, opened the car door, and told Kitty it was time to be home.  I could be a real jerk but God knows I was protective of her and why she loved me as much as she did is a mystery, but she did.  And I reciprocated.

In my entire life I have gotten into only one fist fight/wrestling match in my life.  When Emerald Avenue was torn up for new sewer lines being laid, there was a night watchman on duty each night, a Black man named Moses.  Kitty and I became friends wih him and would visit with him every night after dinner.  He was a religous man read the Bible to us and chatted with us.  We loved visiting with Moses each evening and one evening, when it was time to go home, Kitty gave Moses a hug and a kiss.  One of the neighbor boys saw this and taunted Kitty by chanting "Kitty kissed a nigger, Kitty kissed a nigger."  I got into a physical fight with the kid, swatting and wrestling with each other until we were pulled apart by someone.  My first and last brawl.

Kitty was the youngest of the family group we grew up with, which included cousin Jimmy (9/5/39), cousin Christine (1/?/41), me (8/24/41), cousin Doug (8/28/42) and Kitty (8/19/44), the 'baby of the famil'    We all tended to be protective of her.  The family was a pretty sad one, what with my father's PTSD, the notorious rape of my mother, my aunt's divorce, my grandmother's disliking my mother, and who knows what else.  As children we knew little of what was going on, the family motto seeming to be "the less said, the better."  My aunt, cousins, and paternal grandparents all thought my Dad was OK; Kitty and I knew differently.


A snapshot taken by our Uncle Jim at the Brookfield Zoo: Kitty, Dougie, me, Jimmy, and Christine.   All 5 of us were fatherless though in different ways and Uncle Jim did his best to make up for that lack.   On the other hand, he  was not so hot at composing great candid photos.

When 'the love of my life' dumped me when I returned to Chicago from my summer active duty in 1960 on the USS Coney DDE-508, I came home and wept on the back porch.  Kitty came out to comfort me, a 'mission impossible' but she tried and I know she suffered with me.    I gave her the wrist watch I had brought home from the ship's store for Charlene.  When I separated from Anne, it was Kitty that I 'poured my heart' out to on a long distance call to Utah.  She used to tell me that I was 'her rock,'  She was my rock. 

I used to try to visit Kitty in Arizona every year.  One year I was with her and her family at the end of November or beginning of December and I got to watch and listen to her dealing with the many families she helped every Christmas as the leader of her parish's Adopt-a-Family program.  She personally matched families that needed help providing gifts to children at Christmas with families who wished to provide those gifts.  There was nothing haphazard or catch-as-catch-can about her work.  She talked personally with the mothers (or grandmothers) of the kids who needed shoes, clothing for school, or whatever, including coveted toys or games, made sure she knew the exact sized of the clothing for each child, whatever was needed to make the gifts just right for each child.  All that information she then passed on to the family wanting to provide the help to the family needing the help.  It required countless hours on the telephone, all of which she did herself.  I also went on drives with her and her husband Jim delivering food from the St. Vincent de Paul Society to families in need and listened to her on the SVDP phone speaking with persons in need of financial help, usually for electricity bills.  She treated everyone with respect, with kindness and compassion, with dignity.  And then there were her regular trips to Andre House in downtown Phoesnix to help feed the homeless.  And how much that I was never aware of.

Kitty was the embodiment of the virtuous acts described in Matthew 25:31-46.  "I was hungry and you fed me . . ."  When our Aunt Mary became a widow many years ago, my mother took her into her home so she wouldn't live alone and when my mother died, Kitty took Aunt Mary into her home where she lived for more years than I can remember.  When her sister-in-law Gerri needed help, Kitty took Geri into her home where she lived under she died.  When our Dad lost his second wife Grace, Kitty took him into her home where he lived until he died.  "I needed shelter and you took me in.  I was sick and you cared for me . . . "                  


What I mostly feel now that she is gone is deep appreciation for all that she meant to me for so many years, through so many ups and downs, and regret that I did not share more time with her during our lives.  Mostly I am grateful for the time we did share - every single day - during the last 6 years or so of her life.  She was my very dear sister but also a best and intimate friend.  How lucky can a guy get.   What a treasure.  As my mother used to say, God threw away the mold . . .

LTMW at a bluejay feeding on the ground under the feeders, easily identifiable.  On the other hand, there is a small brown beauty with breast stripes on the sunflower feeder above.  Is it a female house finch? A song sparrow?  A pine siskin?  I notice how many cars passed by as I refilled the sunflower feeder around 6:30 this morning, thinking to myself that for this many neighbors to be leaving for work this early in the morning, it's a good bet our neighbors are either (a) factory workers, or (b) medical doctors.  I think we can safely pick (b).  At 7:30, there is a female house finch really doing a job on one of the orange helves I have mounted on a shepherd's crook.  She's all alone and able to eat her fill.  Nearby a male goldfinch is working on the niger seed tube, also taking his time unmolested.  And down below, a chipmunk forages on the seeds and nuts I spilled this morning before refilling the sunflower tube

Pickles on August 17, 2023