Friday, April 26, 2024

4/26/24

 Friday, April 26, 2024

Rough night, cold (used winter jacket as blanket), very painful morning: hands, especially both shoulders coupled with neck.

I browsed this journal looking for entries about CPP, wondering just how long I've been dealing with chronic pain.  I happened upon this from 12/27/2022.

"In bed around 9, up at 4, no toddy.  Woke up thinking of Steve's stopping smoking, Kitty's COPD, Pall Malls, thinking life's a blessing while able to function, to think even if not as clearly and quickly as once was the case, to experience delight at the beauty of trees and leaves and birds and music and so much despite infirmities, decrepitudes, diminishments, awareness of failings."

Life's blessings while able to function . . . to experience delight. . ." Quid nunc?

4/25/24

 Thursday, April 25, 2024

Another rough night, hands (especially right) more than shoulders.  Miserable morning.  

Wednesday, April 24, 2024

4/24/24

 Wednesday, April 24, 2024

Dr. Chatt

Another rough night, multiple PSs, considerable pain in shoulders and hands, wrists.  Swollen right hand.

Meeting with Dr. Chatt was not what I hoped for but pretty much what I expected.  One referral after another but basically samo samo: more Tylenol, more Diclofenac, much more physical therapy in saecula saeculorum.  


Tuesday, April 23, 2024

4/23/24

 Tuesday, April 23, 2024

Life was pretty much dominated yesterday and last night with pain in my shoulders, hands and wrists.   I thought I might try sleeping on my bed when the pain in my left shoulder subsided a bit, but I thought better of it when I recalled the great difficulty and pain associated with getting out from under the covers and getting out of the bed.  Last night I slept as usual "in chunks, waking up at 5:45 from a dream of being visited by David Branch, Pat Gorence, and  Janine Geske.  I have the usual painful hands, especially the right, and shoulders, especially the right.

Pain, etc.  I took 1,000 mg. of Tylenol at bedtime last night and again at 5:50 this morning.  I applied Diclofenac to both shoulders around noon.  Also put on compression wraps @ noon.  I applied the cream again at 4:15 and plan to do it again between 8 and 9.  My right hand has been very swollen last night and today. . .  1,000 mg. of Tylenol taken at 9:10, both shouders and right wrist/hand slathered in Diclofenac at 8:45.  No Lidocaine patches.  Fingers crossed.

I'm grateful that I was able to go to MetroMarket around 3:30 to pick up some coffee for Geri and crullers, etc., for myself.

Is the journaling coming to an end?  Losing interest, losing energy, losing focus.  There is a broader significance to these losses.




4/22/24

 Monday, April22.2-24

Terrible night, terrible pain in both hands & wrists, both shoulders.

Monday, April 22, 2024

4/21/24

 Sunday, April 21,2024

Lights out last night around 9:30, pit stop around 10:30 and again at midnight when I let Lilly out, another at 1:30 when I turned the lights on again and moved to the sunroom.  At 3 a.m., I return to the tv room and try again to sleep with my right shoulder, arm, wrist, and hand still badly hurting. . . At some point, I listened to my VA hypnotherapy recording and maybe dropped off to sleep for 10 or 15 minutes, but up again at 4:45 with very bad 7 or 8 pain in my right hand and both shoulders. let Lilly out again, opening and closing the front door was a bit of a challenge.  I moved back to the sunroom around 5 to sleep, at some point nodded off sitting up straight, and woke up at 6:15 with an achy neck.  My right hand pain was better but unable to clench a fist.  Right shoulder pain is still there but a bit reduced in intensity with very limited ROM.  I'm wondering if the 1,000 mg. of Tylenol helped.

Pain, etc.  I had quite a bit of pain in my right shoulder yesterday right up to what I am euphemistically calling 'bedtime', really recliner time.  The pain continued and included my right wrist and hand and areas in between despite 1300 mg. of Tylenol at bedtime and Lidocaine patches on both shoulders.  I'm regularly using my walking stick now rather than my BritStick to keep from applying pressure directly on the palm of my hand(s).  It took three trips of stick-stabilized baby steps to move to the sunroom: one to turn on the light, a second to transfer my water bottle, and a third to transfer my laptop.    I took another 1000 mg. of Tylenol at 5ish. 


I'm grateful for the celebration of Geri's 80th birthday yesterday.  I think it was all she had hoped for.  She brilliantly planned a meal of Italian beef sandwiches, green salad, pasta salad from Gloriosa's on Brady Street, kettle chips, and a big, delicious cheesecake from Costco.  It was all delicious, appreciated by all, and saved her from a lot of prep time in the kitchen.  David helped with the kitchen prep work as usual, and everybody pitched in with the cleanup except Ellis and me.     



Sunday, April 21, 2024

4/20/24

 Saturday, April 20, 2024

Party Day

Lights out at 9:30, ps at 10:30, ps and lights on at 11:55, let Lilly out.  I read newspapers until 2:05 when I turned the lights off again and tried to sleep.  Slept on and off with bad pain in my right shoulder and my swollen right hand.  Plus I was cold, got under the heavy crocheted afghan for warmth. up and lights on at 3;35. off again at some point and back on and up at 4:50 with pain from right shoulder to right hand.  Off again at some point and up at about 6.

One Year Ago: In bed at 10:15, awake at 3:35, up at 4:05, unable to sleep, CPP spasms.  42℉ in a thunderstorm, one of many expected all day, high of 66℉, wind ESE at 11 mph, gusts up to 32 mph during the day, humidity at 88%, averaging 80% today.  Sunrise at 6:01, sunset at 7:40, 13+38.   

Pain, etc. had been pretty bad all day yesterday and as I went to bed chair.  Bedtime Tylenol and Lidocaine patches on both shoulders do not seem to do much good as I type this at 12:30 a.m., but who knows whether the pain and restricted ROM would be worse without them.  Rough day yesterday, rough night last night, maybe a long day ahead.

I'm grateful to be celebrating Geri's birthday today, with Steve, Nikki, David, Sharon, and Ellis.  Geri has done all the work preparing for it.  David drove her to Sendik's yesterday afternoon to pick up some beer and wine, chips, etc., and he will pick up the Italian beef, pasta salad, and green salad at Glorioso's this afternoon.  Later, Costco cheesecake.



Birthday Party tribute:

A few years back, I started keeping a list on my iPhone of 'what I love about Geri and it started with her laugh.  I was listening to her chatting on her phone with one of her friends and she was really enjoying whatever it was they were talking about and she was laughing, a wonderful, deep, exuberant laughter that was a pleasure to listen to, infectious since just hearing it made me smile just to hear it.  

Later I added "sharing her thoughts" and "sharing time" with me to the list, realizing how she has privileged me by that sharing.  I'm the only person in the world she shares so much of her life with.  I have often thanked her for agreeing to marry me.  It's a great and unique privilege married people confer on their partners, a privilege we too often lose sight of as we cope with the daily necessities and distractions of life.

Then I added her devotion to duty.  It sounds as if I were thinking of a soldier or a 'first responder' but in all of the roles she plays in her life, Geri has an innate sense of duty. 'Sense of duty' doesn't capture what I'm referring to.  As a child to her parents, as a parent to her children, as a life partner to me, as a sister to her brother Jim, and as a friend to her many friends, she is true, caring, trustworthy, attentive, and solicitous.  The people in her life can count on her for help, for advice, for an open ear and a ready hand, to respect confidences, to pitch in when some pitching in is needed, and to butt out when some butting out is needed.  When my twice-widowed father came to live with us, Geri became his best friend at a time in his life when he so badly needed a real friend.  When her older brother lost his wife and his children were spread out across the country, Geri encouraged him to move near us and she personally cared for him for several years.  We should all have these qualities but not all of us do and few have them as innately, as suffusely as Geri does.  This sense of duty carries into all her undertakings, e.g., as an employee, as a volunteer (ombudsman at a nursing home, child welfare investigator, poll worker), and even to our pets.  When our beloved cat Blanche needed to be hydrated by transfusion every day, Geri turned her ironing board into a gurney for her, hung the hydrating solution from a closet door, and served as her nurse.  And as fpr Lilly, . . . words fail me.

She is courageous.  She has faced some difficult challenges in her life and addressed all of them head-on.  Where many, including me, would have faltered, or backed off from a difficult challenge, she has put her shoulder to the wheel and addressed them.  She has guts, tough-mindedness, patience, and an admirable sense of self-respect and determination that lets her succeed at challenges that would defeat many of us.

My iPhone list is a lot longer and includes stuff like leading the way when there is tough, unpleasant, nasty work to be done.  She is the first to pick up the mop or the shovel, not waiting for others, including me, to get at it. But my list is inevitably incomplete.  She is who she is in all her uniqueness.  She is special in large part because she doesn't treat herself as special, as better than or not as good as anyone around her.  But she is very special to me, and she's very special to her family and to her many friends who count themselves privileged to have her in our lives. 

Saturday, April 20, 2024

4/19/24

 Friday, April 19, 2024

Lights out around 10, PS at 12:30 and again at 1:00. Awake at 1:00.  LOn again at 2:13.  PS at 4:14 and LOn again 'for the duration' but I dozed off at some point and woke up again at 7:15.

A Year Ago today.    [In bed around 10:30, up at 7 in a brain fog,, half-dreaming of Dad and his friend Art in Florida.  38℉, high of 45℉, 0.15" of rain expected today, E wind at 14 mph, gusts up to 30 mph, wind chills from 29 to 38℉ today, sunrose at 6:03, sunset at 7:39,  13+35.

]VA this morning.  Pelvic floor muscle therapy with Jennifer Garrison


5 a.m., last morning fire of the season?

Pain, etc.  I took 1300 mg. of Tylenol at bedtime, Geri applied Lidocaine patches to both shoulders, and I covered my right hand and wrist with Diclofenac.  I was without a lot of pain at the first 2 pit stops.  At 4:15, some pain in both shoulders and significantly more in the right wrist and hand. . .  By 1 p.m., I am experiencing quite a bit of pain in both shoulders, as usual in the chest muscle below the ACJ.

I have not worn my compression socks for several days because I cant get them on and off, if at all,  without tremendous strain and more pain.  Yesterday and today, I have strapped on compression wraps on my lower legs but they don't provide any compression to my feet, which look like overstuffed sausages, or much compression of my lower legs.

I'm grateful to be sitting here at 1:25 a.m. with my laptop on my lap, not in significant pain and able to type with both hands.  

Israel has attacked Isfahan, Iran.

With a friend like Israel, who needs enemies?  From Nicholas Kristof's column in this morning's NYTimes, "How Biden Lost His Way in Gaza."

Gaza has become the albatross around Biden’s neck. It is his war, not just Benjamin Netanyahu’s. It will be part of his legacy, an element of his obituary, a blot on his campaign — and it could get worse if Gaza cascades into a full-blown famine or violent anarchy, or if a wider war breaks out involving Iran or Lebanon. An apparent Israeli strike on a military base in central Iran early Friday underscored the danger of a bigger and more damaging conflict that could draw in the United States.

Consider just one example of America’s fingerprints on this war under Biden’s leadership. In January, the Israeli military dropped a bomb on a compound in Gaza used by the International Rescue Committee, a much-respected American aid organization that is supported in part by American tax dollars. The International Rescue Committee says that the near-fatal strike was caused by a 1,000-pound American-made bomb, dropped from an American-made F-16 fighter jet. And when an American-made aircraft drops an American-made bomb on an American aid group in an American-supported war, how can that not come back to Biden?

 “Biden owns that,” said Jeremy Konyndyk, a former Biden and Obama administration official who now runs Refugees International, another aid group. “They’ve provided the matériel that sustains the war. They provided political support that sustains the war. They provided the diplomatic cover at the U.N. that sustains the war.”

This is not Biden’s war in the way that Vietnam was Lyndon Johnson’s war or that Iraq was Bush’s war. Biden has not sent American troops, and he has not directed this war. He is clearly uncomfortable with the civilian toll of this war and wishes Israel was conducting it with more restraint — yet he continues to underwrite it. His rhetoric has become more critical, but his actions so far have not changed significantly.

“Is this the war Biden would want?” Konyndyk asked. “No. But is this the war Biden is materially supporting? Yes. And so in that sense, it’s his war.”

It was Ukraine that Biden wanted as his war. Not that he wanted any war at all, but Ukraine was his opportunity to stand up and uphold the “rules-based international order” against an enemy that violated international law, bombed infrastructure and sought to make all Ukrainians pay. But it is the war in Gaza that Biden has saddled himself with, with its “indiscriminate” bombing — as he himself described it in December — leaving him and America looking to much of the world like hypocrites. 

. . .

Biden had many crucial decisions to make in the weeks after the Oct. 7 attack, but perhaps none were more consequential than this: how to manage his relationship with Netanyahu as the war in Gaza got underway. How much should he defer to Netanyahu, how much should he embrace him, how much should he impose consequences when Netanyahu ignored his suggestions of restraint? Biden had choices, and as Indyk correctly observed, Biden thought that the best way to move Netanyahu was with an arm on his shoulder.  That was, I believe, the first of Biden’s miscalculations. . . . 

Diplomacy is a mix of carrots and sticks, but until recently Biden seemed to offer Netanyahu nothing but armloads of carrots. And Netanyahu kept on taking the gifts while ignoring Biden’s warnings. “Netanyahu seemed to take enormous pleasure in sticking his finger in Biden’s eye at every opportunity,” noted Menachem Rosensaft, a Cornell law professor and general counsel emeritus of the World Jewish Congress.  
Biden’s efforts to persuade Netanyahu to allow more aid trucks into Gaza were, at least until recently, so ineffectual that the White House had to drop food from planes. In 1948, the United States organized the Berlin Airlift to overcome Soviet obstructionism; that meant confronting our adversary and constituted a show of strength. In 2024, the United States was reduced to organizing the Gaza airlift to get around the intransigence of our longtime aid recipient; that reflected Biden’s failure to confront our ally and amounted to a show of weakness.

Instead of organizing an airdrop (which has killed some people when aid fell on them), Biden had an opportunity to do something much more substantial to avert starvation. In December the United Nations Security Council tried to set up a U.N. system to inspect trucks entering Gaza rather than letting them get stuck in the Israeli inspection bottleneck. Reports were already coming in of catastrophic starvation in Gaza, yet the Biden administration effectively blocked this alternative by watering it down to nothing, according to people close to the negotiations. The upshot: Children starved to death.

The administration also tolerated a ferocious crackdown and land grab by Israeli West Bank settlers who operate with the backing of Netanyahu’s extremist cabinet. The United Nations reports that almost 5,000 Palestinians in the West Bank have been injured since Oct. 7 in confrontations with Israeli troops and settlers, who periodically steal Palestinians’ sheep or drive them from their homes. By the U.N.’s count, 451 Palestinians have been killed in the West Bank in this period, including 112 children (nine Israelis were killed in the West Bank during this time). Then last month, Israel announced the largest seizure of West Bank land since the Oslo peace accords in 1993. It was a slap in the face of Biden, who has mostly turned the other cheek. 

For me, watching as I reported from Israel and the West Bank, it felt ineffably sad, like a rerun of the invasion of Iraq: the delusions about a quick victory, the disregard for civilian lives, the lack of a local partner to establish order, the excessive optimism about outcomes. Another parallel with Iraq was the support for this war from Biden, who had similarly supported the Iraq war. “I do not believe this is a rush to war,” he had said in 2002, underscoring how history rhymes. “I believe it is a march to peace and security.”

As time went on and Israel leveled entire neighborhoods and killed large numbers of women, children and aid workers, Biden became more critical of Israel. But while his rhetoric changed, his policies didn’t — and he repeatedly allowed his calls for restraint to be ignored. Indeed, in the first months of the war, Biden’s first serious move to impose accountability wasn’t aimed at Netanyahu but at UNRWA, the United Nations agency working desperately to prevent famine in Gaza. 

It now appears that while Biden was too slow to confront Netanyahu for killing Gazan children, he acted too hastily against the U.N. agency trying to save Gazan children. “We contributed,” Van Hollen noted, “to punishing over two million civilians who relied on UNRWA.”

 Those of Biden’s generation sometimes complain that younger critics of Israel lack historical perspective and don’t appreciate the threats that Jews have faced, the unremitting determination of Israel’s enemies to destroy it and the difficulty of prosecuting a war where Hamas hides among civilians. Fair enough. All true.

 But parallel arguments of naïveté were lodged against young critics of the Iraq and Vietnam wars. Supporters of the Vietnam War were shaped by memories of appeasement in the run-up to World War II and argued that it was imperative to stand up to the global tide of Communism. They were frustrated — correctly in many cases — that young leftists were soft on Communism and especially Maoism and didn’t understand the brutishness of the enemy. The war’s backers in the White House and the Pentagon acknowledged the suffering in Vietnam but argued that it was important to be tough-minded and keep perspective: With a little more effort it would be possible to uproot the enemy and score a decisive victory that would lay the groundwork for a better future. Listening to doves and showing restraint, they argued, would merely signal weakness and allow national dominoes to fall, resulting in a huge setback for freedom and democracy.

In retrospect, the backers of the Vietnam War didn’t understand the power of nationalism and vastly exaggerated the ability of even a powerful army to eradicate a homegrown enemy with nationalist credentials, while they were myopic about the human cost of their strategy and didn’t ask essential questions about its morality. Today it is the critics of the Vietnam and Iraq wars who have been largely validated. They may have known less history, but they possessed keener empathy.

Another parallel with the Vietnam War that worries some Democrats: The 1968 Democratic convention in Chicago was the site of chaotic antiwar protests that were mishandled and damaged the tentire party at a time it needed to signal unity. That fall the presidential election went, by less than one percentage point, to the Republican Richard Nixon.

Oh, and where will the Democratic convention be held this year? Chicago, again.

The Biden administration called for moral clarity after the atrocities of Oct. 7, and that was appropriate. But moral clarity cannot be like a pair of glasses we put on and take off. Our shared humanity means recognizing that all children’s lives have equal value. If your heart breaks for victims on only one side of the Israel-Gaza border, then your failure is not of geopolitics but of humanity. If you care about the human rights of only Israelis or only Palestinians, then you don’t actually care about human rights.

Another way of putting it: The more than 1,000 children in Gaza who are now amputees, their suffering is partly on us.

. . .

Still, it remains unclear how much has changed. Israel seems more cooperative about getting aid across the border into Gaza, but the United Nations emphasizes that what matters is aid being delivered over those last few miles to people who are starving. Disputes about aid are likely to continue, in part because more than two-thirds of Jewish Israelis oppose allowing humanitarian aid into Gaza, according to an opinion poll in February. 

I copied so much of this essay because it's the best I have read about what has been wrong about America's policies toward Israel and Bibi Netanyahu and how the blame for this falls directly on Joe Biden.  It started visuallywith that unnecesary flight to Israel and the historic hug on the tarmac.  It continued with the images of Gaza City looking like Berlin in 1845, of babies in incubators in hospitals without power, of civilians in donkey carts fleeing death and destruction from the IDF, and of starving mobs surrounding trucks carrying food.  Biden, Blinken, Austin, the American arms industry that has profitted so much, and all Americans have blood on our hands.  I am pleased that Kristof mentions the overshadowed war against Palestinians that Israel is waging against Palestinians in the West Bank and that he reminds us of our culpability for all the lives lost and shattered in Vietnam, so much more blood on our hands, on my naȉve hands.

LTMW shortly after dawn I see a lone wild turkey strutting past our bird feeders, then 10 minutes later another solo turkey, presumably toms.

Plumber here for slow drain in the bathtub and leak in the valve to outdoor faucet in front of the house.

Thursday, April 18, 2024

4/18/24

Thursday, April 18, 2024

Big Birthday 

Lights out before 10, one pit stop, then another ps about 2 a.m., much pain, muscle (?) joint?.  Stayed awake, tried to sleep again at 3:30, another ps and lights on at 5:20.  At some point I dozed off again, sitting straight up, and woke up when Geri came in at 7:30.

Pain. etc.

Dear Dr. Chatt:

Re: my upcoming appointment on 4/24/24

I am sending this message out of a concern that, for one reason or another, I may not be as thorough or coherent at the appointment as I can be in this message.

My overriding health concern now, and for the past many weeks, has been chronic pain that has profoundly affected my daily life.  My current understanding is that (1) the pain is the result of osteoarthritis, (2) the painful condition is not to be expected to get better, but rather may be expected to get worse with age, and (3) the best treatment is OTC analgesic topical cream, Tylenol, and physical therapy.  (I had a cortisone injection from Dr. Cheng in PM&R on   --- which provided no significant pain relief.) 

What I would like to discover is whether my painful conditions may be attributable to something other than osteoarthritis, like rheumatoid arthritis or polymyalgia rheumatica, or something else, i.e., some condition that may be treatable with something more effective than OTC medications and physical therapy that haven’t been very effective for me.  IF not, I understand that I may expect the chronic pain to continue for the rest of my life.

The reasons I am wondering about these matters are:

1. The cortisone injection on ---- had no noticeable effect on my left shoulder pain.

2. The left shoulder pain has been with me since 12/25/2023.

3. Some time after 12/25/2023, my right shoulder also developed the same kind of pain.

4. On 1/13.2024, I developed significant pain in my right wrist and hand which has only gotten worse over time and results in considerable swelling of the hand.

5. Some time after 1/13/2024, I developed pain in my left wrist and hand.

6. I have also developed pain in both hips which I experience when standing up and which does improve with walking.

7. I also have pain and stiffness in my lower back when engaged in ordinary household activity, which can be pretty crippling, requiring me sit down, for example, in the middle of loading the dishwasher or other chores.

8. I also have some pain and stiffness in my neck.

I add that the shoulders pain and hands and wrists pains are decidedly more severe at night and in the mornings than in the afternoons and early evening.

I’ve been sleeping on a recliner chair rather than in bed for the last month because of the shoulder pain and difficulty getting up from the bed and out from under bedding.  For more than a month, the chronic pains (in addition to chronic bladder conditions) have made it impossible to get sufficient rest at night.

For several years now I have worn compression socks because of a chronic lymphedema condition. Because of the hand/wrist and shoulder pain, I haven’t been able to get those socks on and off for some time and the swelling in my feet, ankles, and lower legs has become substantial.  The added weight of the fluids in my lower legs makes lifting my legs challenging.

These conditions and challenges have arisen over the last 4 months and they have turned my life upside down.  When I am hoping to know is whether they are simply the result of age-related, wear-and-tear osteoarthritis treatable with OTC NSAIDS and physical therapy, or whether some other factor is causative.  Ultimately, I’m wondering whether this is what the rest of my life will look like.

Thank you.

Mean Streets.  I watched it again this afternoon.  Harvey Keitel's role is so interesting.  Robert DeNiro's is so contemptible.  It's hard to believe it was filmed mostly in Los Angeles rather than Little Italy.  The San Genaro Festival scenes however were filmed at the festival and reminded me of the time, many years ago, when I attended it.

Birthday Dinner.  We shared a Cobb Salad from Crave.


Wednesday, April 17, 2024

4/17/24

 Wednesday, April 17, 2024

Geriatric Clinic

Lights out about 10:30 (?), PS around 11:30, lights back on at midnight.


Pain, etc.  At bedtime, I slathered Diclofenac on my right hand and Geri applied a Lidocaine patch on each shoulder, on the front on (?) and below the acromioclavicular joint.   When I got up at midnight I had the normal pains and restricted ROM and realized I wasn't about to fall back to sleep soon.  I had some banana bread that Geri's walking partner Barbara brought over b/c of Geri's injured knee, watched a video of Barber's Adagio for Strings, a religious group's rendition of How Great Thou Art, and the Norwegian Hayde Bluegrass Orchestra's Wayfaring Stranger, then moved to the firmer chair in the sunroom.  I wonder why my right hand hurts so much and whether I should try to wrap it in Lidocaine strips overnight, secured by tape.


I'm grateful
 for Emmylou Harris' rendition of Wayfaring Stranger and for Johnny  Cash's who said “The haunting melodies and poignant lyrics of Wayfaring Stranger have the power to transport listeners to a place of deep introspection.”  I can't hear the old gospel song without thinking of my mother, father, and now my sister, 'over Jordan' and myself as the 'sole surviving son.'



I am a poor wayfaring stranger / I'm traveling through / This world of woe

And there's no sickness, no toil or danger / In that bright land / To which I go

I'm going there to see my mother / I'm going there no more to roam

I'm just going over Jordan /I'm just going over home

I know dark clouds will hover o'er me /I know my pathway is rough and steep

But golden fields lie out before me /Where weary eyes no more will weep

I'm going there to see my father . . .

I'm going there to see my sister . . .

Visit to Geriatric Cllinic was a disappointment.


Tuesday, April 16, 2024

4/16/24

er  Tuesday, April 16, 2024

Nodded off around 9 and Lilly got me up at 11 to let her out.  Geri came out (unable to sleep because of her knee pain) and applied a Lidocaine patch to each of my shoulders for which I was deeply thankful.   2 PSs, then lights on again around 3:05, used homemade walking stick like a canoe paddle to get to the bathroom.  Put green sharf around my shoulders for warmth and nodded off at some point,  waking at 5:59.  At 7 a.m., I let Lilly out, went to the hallway to go to the bathroom, and met Geri hobbling down the hallway with her painful knee/leg, using one of my canes - both of us incapacitated.

Pain, etc.   Yesterday at the VA, I was asked on checking in whether I wanted wheelchair assistance and I said, as usual, 'no' but I wondered if I was making a mistake.  When I was leaving, for the first time I had to stop and sit for a while in the ER waiting room to rest my lower back before continuing to the parking lot to get home.

I took 2 650 mg. 8-Hour Tylenol ltabs ast night before sleeping,  I don't know whether they provided any pain relief.  I generally don't think so although I've taken many of them, or of the Extra Strength tabs, over the last months.

My shoulders were too painful yesterday to engage in the PT stretches.  This morning my right shoulder is more painful than my left, a good sign or a bad sign?

I've developed dry mouth, needing to sip water frequently.

I've placed a pillow vertically on the BL to support my back and to keep my body from sinking so deeply into the chair, making it harder to get out of it, scooting and bouncing.

My right hand has been stiff, swollen, and achy all morning, and mostly on the other side from the thumb below which are the "post-surgical degenerative changes" to which Dr. Cheng attributed my wrist and hand pain.

By the early afternoon, I loosen up and the shoulders pain is better, ditto the hips and my right hand, though there is some residual pain in each joint, especially my right shoulder.  I did 3 of the 5 PT exercises but I need to go to the basement for one using a Swiss Ball, and I haven't figured out where and precisely how to do the Seated Shoulder Scaption AAROM with Pulley at side.  I don't have a good place to attach the pulley.  Today marks 3 full months of doing the PT exeercises and during those months I have mostly gotten worse, at least in the sense of going from pain in one joint to pain 'all over.'

Urgent Care for Geri.   I drove Geri to CSM Urgent Care in Glendale at 8:30 a.m.  She has effusion or 'water on the knee' which has had the knee visibly swollen and pain, very painful this morning.  Each of us was hobbling around using a cane this morning.  A pitiable sight.  

The Rock Pile.  When I returned from dropping Geri off, the dump truck with her half-ton of big rocks was here.  I asked the delivery man to dump them on the grass rather than on the north driveway so we would have easy access to the garage, especially while Geri and I are both incapacitated.  I fear it will be a while before Geri can work with those rocks as she intended.  Getting up and down from the ground and moving fairly heavy rocks around can't be good for her troubled knee.


Opinion  What it means when the mercenaries appear,  Elliot Ackerman, April 15, 2024 at 5:45 a.m. EDT, WaPo.

In the game of empire, expansion fuels prosperity and war sustains expansion. Except war is a dirty business, one that citizens of most wealthy and prosperous nations would rather avoid. Yet someone has to fight these wars and, afterward, secure the peace. Whether it’s Pax Americana, Pax Britannica or Pax Romana, pax imperia isn’t really peace; it is the illusion of peace sustained by the effective outsourcing of war. This doesn’t impugn an imperial peace — I certainly would have preferred to live in Pax Romana as opposed to the medieval turbulence that followed — but, rather, shows how these periods of political and economic stability are sustained.


Monday, April 15, 2024

4/15/24

 Monday, April 15, 2024

Mom's 102nd birthday

Lights out around 9:30, awake for PS at 2, and lights on at 2:30.  Lights out again around 4:30 and awake and up for a PS at 5:50. with pain in both hands, both shoulders, baby stepping.

Pain, etc.  Why I despair: I had to use two canes and many bounces to get out of the recliner with two painful shoulders and painful hips and weak leg muscles.  The shoulder pain was relieved by movement: vertical circling, and horizontal back-and-forthing.  I struggled with my balance and almost fell over when I could finally bounce up from the chair, then walked with baby steps to the portable urinal.  I wondered how I would be able to deal with falling down trying to get out of the chair, regretting that the front door was locked in case I needed 911 help to get up.  My wrists are stiff and somewhat painful with limited ROM but I can type with both hands, wondering if this is simple wear-and-tear osteoarthritis I am dealing with and, if so, what in my professorial, lawyering, sedentary, non-athletic life would have caused wear-and-tear on both my shoulders.  I think of Fulton J. Sheen's Life is Worth Living when I was a kid and wonder, is it?  I'll look for it in my memoir. but first work to stand up again, loosen up,  and take a stroll around the house.  I get to the vestibule and think I shouldn't stroll without my iPhone, which I return to the TV room to get.  As I walk, my stride increases from baby steps to longer hobbles and I make it into the living room, dining room, and sunroom, lighting table lamps.  As I walk, my lower back tightens up to go along with stiff hips.  Lilly wakes up during my walk and I let her out at about 3:10.  She stays awake with me for a while, keeping me company.  While I'm on the recliner much of the night, she sleeps on the floor not far from me.  Why do I bother writing this stuff down?  What else does one do with a 2 a.m. reveille for a 'mid-watch'?  I took a photo of Geri's beautiful plant collection in the sunroom.


Life is Worth Living  I went back to my memoir, to the chapter I titled Born in the Bosom of the Church, and found what I wrote about Bishop Sheen:

Until my exposure to Wally and Dave at the liquor store, my world was thoroughly Catholic: Catholic church, Catholic elementary school, Catholic high school, Catholic friends, Catholic (in a manner of speaking) family members.  The ‘best’ hospitals were the Catholic hospitals, like Little Company of Mary.  The ‘best’ old age homes were the Catholic old age homes, like the Little Sisters of the Poor.  The only movies we could attend were those that passed muster with the Catholic Legion of Decency, whose movie ratings were published every week in the archdiocese’s Catholic newspaper, The New World.  When television arrived on the scene, the programs, unlike post-war movies, were family-oriented and non-threatening (Kukla, Fran and Ollie, Howdie Doodie, I Remember Mama, etc.), but on Tuesday nights we all watched Bishop Fulton J. Sheen’s network program Life is Worth Living, even though it ran opposite The Milton Berle Show.  Sheen was an auxiliary bishop in the archdiocese of New York, under the powerful Cardinal Spellman.  It speaks to the size and influence of the American Church in the 1950’s that the first national televangelist was a foppish  Catholic hierarch and not a Jimmy Swaggert or Pat Robertson or even Billy Graham.

And in a footnote:

 My mother, who was a devoted fan of Bishop Sheen, would be disappointed that I call him a fop, but a fop he clearly was.  He appeared each week wearing his most dramatic episcopal finery: the basic garment a black cassock gown with red piping and red buttons, topped by a black shoulder cape with the same red piping and an underside of red, all the red matching his zucchetto or skullcap and his dazzling Superman/Batman/Captain Marvel cappa magna¸ a flowing brightthe red floor length cape draped across his shoulders and tied with thin red sashes about his neck, directly above what appeared to be his platinum pectoral cross secured on a long, platinum or silver or white gold chain, while his midriff was secured by a broad red cincture that perfectly matched his piping, his buttons, and his zucchetto.  He was, in a word, DAZZLING!  In the Church’s sumptuary laws, the color red was normally reserved to cardinals, bishops ‘owning’ the color purple.  Why Sheen wore red rather than purple in his television heyday is a mystery to me, but it may account, in small part, to the personal enmity between him, a mere auxiliary bishop, and his superior, the formidable Cardinal Spellman of New York.  In his later telecasts, in the early 1960s, he wore the traditional purple, actually a shade of lavender.  In the pre-Vatican II Church, in the Church before the pre-pedophilia scandal Church, these dazzling, feudal, European, ostentatious displays of capes and cassocks, satins and velvets and laces and brocades seemed to work their magic on the ever-obedient Faithful, who seemed to think it not bizarre to drop to one’s knees to kiss the ring of the episcopal dandies who ruled the Holy Mother Church.  Indeed, to get to kiss the bishop’s ring and to receive his blessings was considered quite a privilege.  How pathetic!

 I went to YouTube and found that all episodes of Life is Worth Living are available still.  I watched the beginning of Episode 41 titled "The Alcoholic Is Not a Pig" from 1968 which is in color and shows Bishop Sheen in all his glory.  I wish I had known of these videos when my dear sister was still aline; I suspect she would have watched, understood, and enjoyed every one of the 100 or 128 episodesl, always remembering our blessed mother, the real flesh and blood woman who nurtured and protected us through such hard years. 

VA Phonso.   The trip to see Phonso at the Physical Therapy Clinic was difficult.  I have a hard time lifting my leg to get into the Volvo and then positioning my body in the driver's seat.  Also not so easy to get out of the vehicle.  I am wondering whether I should let my driver's license lapse when it expires in August.  In my present condition I doubt that I could pass a road test.  I fell asleep in the PT waiting room, a first.  Phonso had to wake me up to start the appointment.  I told him of the increasing problems with joint pain since I started doing the exercises and he mentioned that rheumatoid arthritis is a possibility.  It's hard for me to believe that so many of my joints are just "wearing out" over such a short timeframe.  My right hand hurt so much on the drive to the VA that it was painful and difficult grasping the steering wheel.  I've become a semi-invalid working my way to dropping the "semi-".  Even my butt muscles are painful now.

VA Jill Hansen via Video.  I fell asleep again on the recliner and woke up just in time to connect with my clincal pharmacist Jill  who has become kind of a friend after working together for a couple of years adjusting my diabetes meds.  Today's visit was to discuss the unavailability of Trulicity which I have been injecting for many years.  We'll talk again the day after my visit with Dr. Chatt next week when the results of my blood tests will be available.

LTMW at what looks like a pair of mating goldfinches.  The male's plumage has turned a beautiful yellow.  They are working the tube feeder and a few minutes ago, the male (or at least some male) was grabbing bigs chunks of cotton from the nesting ball I hung up a couple of days ago.  The late afternoon air is filled with birdsongs, the only one .of which I can identify is the cardinals.  I finally got around to hanging up a fresh suet cake which will probably attract the woodpeckers

4/14/24

 Sunday, April 14, 2024

Iran attacked Israel

Lights out around 9:30, up at 1:15 for a PS, wasn't quick enough to let Lilly out so she woke up Geri to let her out.  Lights out at 3:00,  PS at 4:30, up at 6:15 with bad pain in both shoulders, right wrist/hand.

Pain etc.   I took 1300 mg. of Tylenol at bedtime and slathered my right hand with Diclofenac.  Geri applied 2 Lidocaine patches to my left shoulder.  No serious pain was noticed between bedtime and 1:15 when I turned the lights on, but I have an intermittent dull ache in my shoulders and some intermittent pain and limited ROM in my right hand.  When I woke up at 6:10 or so, I had a lot of pain in both shoulders and right wrist/hand.  My hips are very painful on standing;  I'm walking in baby steps, my lower back stiff, using my homemade walking stick for support, and using two hands as with a canoe paddle.  I had to use the stick to remove my heavy robe, lifting it off my shoulders.

I am wondering whether I may have late-onset rheumatoid arthritis or polymyalgia rheumatica.

I'm grateful      

Israel, Iran, Biden and the U.S.  I turned on CNN at 1:30.  The anchor is a Brit broadcasting from Abu Dhabi.  MSNBC is running SkyNews and reporting on the shopping mall knife attacker in Sydney, Australia.  The IDF reports that Iran directed at Israel around 170 drones, more than 30 cruise missiles, and more than 120 ballistic missiles.   

[I don't have the mental clarity or energy to write what I had intended here.]



Sunday, April 14, 2024

4/13/24

 Saturday, April 13, 2024

Slept from around 8:15 to 9:30, awake until 10:45, PS at 11:45.  Up to let Lilly out at 1:40, up again at 3:26 for bm, and lights on at 3:39.  Dozed off at some point and woke up again at 6:15. 

Pain. etc.  I took 1,000 mg. of Tylenol around 9:30 and Geri applied Lidocaine patches to my left shoulder.  I also applied a copious amount of Diclofenac to my right hand and wrist.  At 3:49, no resting pain in my left shoulder and in my right hand - able to type with fingers of both hands.  ROM limited.  The same is true of my right shoulder and my left wrist is stiff. . . . Invalid creativity: I used the rubber tip of my BritStick to lift my heavy robe off my shoulders before using the bathroom, minimizing the need to stress my shoulders.   

I'm grateful for Springtime, for sunny days, for warmer temperatures.


7:11 a.m., the sun at 86°E, altitude 10°.

What do the U.S. and Israel owe each other and why?  From David Ignatius' column in this morning's WaPo:

The Biden administration is using every diplomatic and military tool to contain what officials expect will be an imminent Iranian reprisal attack against Israel — in the hope that U.S. pressure can keep the conflict from escalating into a regionwide catastrophe.

Call it “the guns of April.” Though this is hardly a conflagration on the order of World War I, it’s a moment that eerily evokes the dynamics of summer 1914, when a war that every power sought to avoid suddenly appeared inevitable, with consequences that no one could predict.  . .  .

. , , the United States and Israel are both stressing defenses that could neuter an Iranian attack. But if Iran or its proxies succeed in a major strike, Israeli and U.S. officials have warned that it could trigger an offensive spiral that might eventually involve the United States. . . .

Administration officials keep preaching the gospel of de-escalation of the war in Gaza and other regional violence. The White House hopes in this latest crisis, too, that once Iran has punched back, the tide of violence will ebb. But on Friday, no one appeared to be heeding that message, and a dangerous new round seemed set to begin. 

In other words, the United States may very soon be engaged in a military conflict with Iran because of Israel's unilateral decision to strike the Iranian consulate in  Damascus on April 1.  We are told - credibly - that Israel did not inform Washington of this attack before it was launched.  Another WaPo story tells us:

Three U.S. officials who spoke on the condition of anonymity to discuss security matters said Defense Secretary Lloyd Austin and other senior defense officials believed Israel should have informed them ahead of time because of the strike’s implications for U.S. troops and interests in the region. Knowing in advance would have permitted the Pentagon to heighten defenses for U.S. personnel and to position assets, including warships with missile defense systems on board, in a way that could help protect both Israel and U.S. troops from a potential Iranian response.

 This afternoon Iran launched from Iran itself dozens of drones against Israel and Biden announced that the U.S. support for Israel is "ironclad."  The drones are being accompanied by cruise missiles

Friday, April 12, 2024

4/12/24

 Friday, April 12, 2024

Lights out before 10, pss at ?, 1:23, still awake at 1:54, 3:20, unable to sleep, lights on at 3:35.

Pain, etc.  I took 1,000 mg. of Tylenol around 9, coated my right hand with Diclofenac, and Geri applied 2 Lidocaine patches on my left shoulder.  Overnight, I wore the thumb splint over my right hand which was OK during the night but my hand was very painful, like 8/10, once I was awake at 3:30.  It stayed very painful for hours.  It's been a very difficult morning with the hand and wrist pain, even standing up from the chair has been a challenge.  I tried my booster cushion on the TV room glider but it's too unstable to make getting up 'easy', and also on the recliner in the sunroom, which, with a firm pillow behind me and the booster beneath me, is the easiest chair to get up from.  The right hand/wrist was so bad I couldn't lift the TV remote without sharp intense pain.  I took my watch off my right wrist and put it on the left.  I've been using my sturdy, homemade, walking stick, holding on with both hands, for support.  I've become a pathetic, semi-crippled old man.  

I ordered another booster cushion for the sunroom recliner.  It was delivered from Amazon in just a few hours, like 3 hours.  Amazing.  I also ordered a long-sleeved Henley tee shirt, letting me pull the shirt off without lifting my left arm.  It should arrive tomorrow.

I'm grateful that I was able to get out and run errands this afternoon.

Errands.  I felt pretty good at 4:30 p.m. and went out on errands.  I picked up safflower seeds and 2 suet cakes, filled my gas tanks, and picked up muffins and apple fritters at MetroMarket.  It was great getting out and being active.  I must not have looked so great though because the Knights of Columbus lady collecting money for the intellectually disabled asked if she could help me into the MetroMarket.  The clerk at Wild Birds Unlimited asked if he could carry my purchases to my car. 

The middle of the night and morning were awful;  The afternoon was mostly great.  It's become my normal.

4/11/24

 Thursday, April 11, 2024

Lights out by 10, pit stops at 12:02 and at 1:30, let Lilly out at 1:55, pit stop at 3 something, and at 3:55 Lilly, sleeping near me on the BL had a dream with soft yelping, twitching, breathing, and at 4 I turned on the lamp and Lilly got up to resume sleeping somewhere else in the house, somewhere darker, quieter, 'to sleep, perchance to dream' again.  Sometime later, I dozed off again and woke at 6:35.

To be, or not to be, that is the question:

Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer

The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,

Or to take arms against a sea of troubles

And by opposing end them. To die—to sleep,

No more; and by a sleep to say we end

The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks

That flesh is heir to: 'tis a consummation

Devoutly to be wish'd. To die, to sleep;

To sleep, perchance to dream . . .



Pain, etc.   RE 'the natural shocks that flesh is heir to:"  Last night Geri applied a Lidocaine patch over the left acromion and another under it where the acromioclavicular pain is normally worst.  I aalso took 1,000 mg. of Tylenol.  Before lights out, I slathered Diclofenac over my right wrist and the palm and upper part of my right hand, especially on the right edge where the pain is usually worst.  Although there was some pain during the night, the patches and Diclofenac appeared to have helped.  I had a YouTube Brown Noise sleep app on during the night to help mask my tinnitus and otherwise operate.   At 5 a.m., I have intense shooting pains in the fingers of my right hand.  When I woke up at 6:35, my left wrist hurt as badly as did my right shoulder.  My pains are getting more symmetrical.  I'm using my homemade walking stick like a canoe paddle, avoiding BritStick because of hand pain.

I filed the tax returns today.  I delayed doing them for weeks because of feeling crappy b/c of pain, sleep.

O. J. Simpson has died at 76.  I'm wondering what role, if any, his trial and acquittal for murdering his wife, contributed to the development of Trumpism and White right-wing extremism.  I'm thinking of all the images of crowds of Black Americans joyously celebrating his acquittal while almost all White Americans, convinced of his guilt, were stunned.  I'm thinking of the racial aspect of the crime: Black man, beautiful White wife.  Long record of spousal abuse.  The wife was almost decapitated.  Millions of Blacks cheered his acquittal, many really jumping for joy.  Many Blacks viewed the trial as against the LAPD with its long history of abuse of Blacks, notoriously including the Rodney King case with the police officers acquitted in overwhelmingly White Simi Valley, home to many police officers.  Did the case contribute to the belief that 'the system is rigged', that Blacks 'get away with murder,' and that if you're rich enough to hire highly-skilled lawyers, you can get away with anything,




Wednesday, April 10, 2024

4/10/24

 Wednesday, April 10, 2024

Lights out around 9:40, up at 3 a.m.  Painful, slightly swollen right side of right hand, and pain in both shoulders, despite Lidocaine patches on left shoulder applied by Geri around 9:15 last night. I'm not interested in taking note of today's weather, though it is fine.  Too difficult to type in the early hours.

Pain, etc.  I took 1,000 mg. of Tylenol at 3:30 p.m. yesterday, hoping for but not expecting relief.  Pit stops at 10:30, 1, 2, and 3 a.m.  Difficult to get up from the BL, scooting forward and bouncing.  I feel better in the afternoon, almost like just a normal old man with some normal, age-related, painful arthritis, but in the middle of the night, awake, alone, struggling to get out of the recliner for several pit stops, then trying to get back to sleep, hating the pain and immobility, doubting the prescribed treatments,  and fearing the future, it's another story.

Losing interest in the journal?  Much of the writing, and of the cutting and pasting, that I've done in this journal over the last 20 months or so, I have done, or at least started, in the morning hours.  I'm feeling so wiped out in the mornings now, and often so unable to type without some pain, that I wonder if it's worthwhile continuing to engage in this activity.  I'm pretty sure I've been experiencing some cognitive decline over the last few months with the pain challenges and the sleeping challenges.  Perhaps I should literally make a note of evidence of executive function mishaps as I notice them, but to what end?  As I said to Geri the other day, I think I, and therefore we, am/are at 'an inflection point' in life.  Perhaps I'll know better after meeting with the geriatrics folks, and with Dr. Chang at the PM&R Clinic, and with Dr. Chatt, all coming up.

Micaela was here for dinner last night and we enjoyed her company from 5:30 until 8.  Geri served some Glorioso plates of ravioli, which were very good, and a big green salad, with lemon sorbet, raspberries, and blueberries for dessert.



I'm grateful that daffodils and vinca (or periwinkle?) are in full bloom in our backyard.   




4/9/24

 Tuesday, April 9, 2024

Lights out around 9:30, up with pain at 1:13.  46 /57.  Mostly sunny day ahead,  WSW at 7, 3-13/25.  6:18, 7:28, 13+9.   Lights out at 3:35, on again at 4:30.  I slept in chunks again.  Tired most of the day.

Pains, etc.  I took 1,000 mg. of Tylenol around 2 a.m.   I don't know whether it helped or not.  I never know.  Ditto the PT.

I'm grateful to the VA for providing me access to the Geriatric Clinic next week.  I received a telephone call from Ben in the pharmacy department of the Clinic going over all my many meds with me in a very thorough interview.    

Generation War.  I watched the concluding episode of this series during the very early morning.  Each of the 5 protagonists ended up either dead (Greta and Friedhelm) or morally, spiritually, and emotionally destroyed (Wilhelm, Charly, and Viktor.)  They all started out as innocents, full of optimism and patriotism and belief in the myths of German righteousness, powerfulness, and invincibility.  They remind me a bit of the protagonists in the Israeli series Srugim which I enjoyed so much, at least until I realized that they were all religious Zionists, members of the sect that create the larcenous, violent settlements in Palestinian lands.  They too were young, innocent, patriotic, and persuaded that God Himself had authorized Jews to make life miserable for Others.   The depiction of the barbarism of the war, especially in the East, was gruesome and I wondered how anyone could believe in anything other than homo hominis lupus after that war.  I think of course of my father and his condition after the war in the Pacific.  I think too of Gaza and Ukraine and of our homegrown fascists here and now and of Solzhenitsyn's line between good and evil.   I wonder how it can be doubted that the most efficiently barbaric cultures in the world are European as they lived in Europe and were transplanted colonially to the United States.  I think again of the lunchroom at FF&SJ where I shocked and offended my friends and colleagues by opining that the greatest threat to world peace and peace in the world is the United States, a fact that seems to me to be almost self-evident.  By our wholesale interference via the CIA, State Department, trade policies, sanctions, military support vel non and otherwise, we are also the most disrespectful of other nations' sovereignty and democratic choices, witness, Vietnam, Chili, et al.  Also consider Gaza in 2006 when the citizens elected Hamas rather than the US/Israel-preferred corrupt Palestinian Authority.




Monday, April 8, 2024

4/8/24

 Monday, April 8, 2024

Lights out at 10 leading to a fractured, painful, unrestful rest.  I let Lilly out twice during the night.  41° at 6 o'clock, high of 62°,  clear skies today, wind SSE at 10, 5-15.27.  Sunrise at 6:20, sunset at 7:27, 13+6.

Pain, etc.  I'm feeling blue this morning, wondering how long I can live like this.  Just about every night and every morning I deal with crippling joint pain, struggling to get out of the recliner, to walk, or to lift a cup of herbal tea.  The left shoulder pain extends down my upper arm.  The right wrist/hand pain extends up my lower arm.  It usually gets better by mid-morning, but the nighttime and early morning hours are a challenge.  I lay on my bed last night for about 1/2 hour but didn't get under the quilt and top sheet, from which it is hard to extricate myself when I need to tend to my bladder.  I was right on the mattress's edge and concerned about falling off.  I couldn't get comfortable with my arms/shoulders/hands so I got up & repaired to the BL.  I stayed away from the LZB because of concern that I wouldn't be able to handle the lift lever with my painful right hand/wrist situation and might get trapped on it.   

The pains increased in the evening and night,suggesting a rough night ahead.  Geri helped me on with my robe.  In a brief conversation earlier, we agreed that if it weren't for her, I would need to live in an Assisted Living facility.  I couldn't live on my own.  This is a daunting acknowledgment.  I said to her that we are at 'an inflection point' in our lives and need to sit down and review my 'death dossier' to review what is in it and what, if anything, needs to be added.

I'm grateful for this warm, sunny but very windy day.  I've been hearing birdsongs predawn lately but can't identify them yet.  I havent been able to use my Merlin app.  I look forward to being able to sit on the patio in the early morning when the temperatures get warmer.  I notice the buds on the berry trees on our north lawn.  It feels like Spring today rather than Winter.   

Almost full eclipse of the sun this afternoon.  We'll watch on TV.  

Unsere Mütter, Unsere Vӓter, Generation War. I watched episode 1 of 3 this afternoon.  Titled "Our mothers, Our Fathers" in German, the series was quite controversial when released in Germany in 2013.  I couldn't help but notice that the attitude of many Germans in the drama towards Jews matched the attitude of many Israeli Jews towards Palestinians.



4/7/24

 Sunday, April 7, 2024

Lights out around 9:30 on the BL with pain in my left shoulder and upper arm and in my right wrist and hand, awake at 2:30 and up at 3 to let Lilly out and take a short walk around the house, lighting lamps and my Kitty candle.  35°, high of 47°, cloudy, windy day with showers ahead.  The wind is ESE at 4, 2-17/30.  Sunrise at 6:22, sunset at 7:26, 13+3. 

Pain, etc.  I have quite a bit of pain on awakening and rising, both my right wrist and hand and my left shoulder.   I would like to light a log in the fireplace but I can't deal with lifting the log and placing it on the  grate.  The lesser pain in my right shoulder more and more resen=mbles the pain in my left shoulder, worrying me greatly.  Are the physical therapy stretches helping or hurting?  I took one 500 mg. Tylenol at 'bedtime' 6 hours ago as I write this.  Should I take 1,000 mg. now?  Am I corrupting my liver with all the Tylenol?  Am I catastrophizing or is this what the rest of my life will be, living with spreading pain, sleeping as best I can on a chair instead of a bed, relying more and more on Geri, or others, for help with ordinary activities of living?  The pain, tenderness and some swelling in my wrist is definitely located on the right side of the wrist, i.e., the opposite side from where the severe degenerative changes 'after wrist surgery' are.  Should I consult a hand specialist outside the VA?  At 4:10, I take 1,000 mg. of Tylenol and apologize to my liver.

I'm grateful to be watching the Iowa-South Carolina game this afternoon.  Magnificent athletes.   


d52gb     



Saturday, April 6, 2024

4/6/24

Saturday, April 6, 2024

 Lights out on the BL at 10:30 after the Iowa-UConn game.  Up at 2:30 for a PS and moved to LZB, up again at 3:30 and let Lilly out.  31°, high of 46°, sunny day ahead,  The wind is NNW at 7 mph, 2-8/13. Sunrise at 6:23, sunset at 7:53, 13+0.

Pain, etc.  Typical pain during the night in the left shoulder and right wrist/hand, plus some pain in the right shoulder which semi-terrorizes me, i.e., the fear of losing functionality in both shoulders.  It's hardly the same as being a double amputee by any means, but having both shoulders restricted by bad pain has at least some similarities, i.e. the inability to reach and grasp.  Plus, there is the pain associated with limited ROM.   



I'm grateful for my days at St. Francis of Assisi parish and at the House of Peace.  I'll need to write more about this tomorrow, but the start of my thoughts are in the entry below.   





The True Cost of the Churchgoing Bust: Many Americans seem to have found no alternative method to build a sense of community iThe True Cost of the Churchgoing Bust.  Many Americans seem to have found no alternative method to build a sense of community according to an article by Derek Thompson in the current The Atlantic online.  Excerpts:

More than one-quarter of Americans now identify as atheists, agnostics, or religiously “unaffiliated,” according to a new survey of 5,600 U.S. adults by the Public Religion Research Institute. This is the highest level of non-religiosity in the poll’s history. Two-thirds of nonbelievers were brought up in at least nominally religious households, like me.

Suddenly, in the 1990s, the ranks of nonbelievers surged. An estimated 40 million people—one in eight Americans—stopped going to church in the past 25 years, making it the “largest concentrated change in church attendance in American history,” according to the religion writer Jake Meador. In 2021, membership in houses of worship fell below a majority for the first time on record. 

That relationship with organized religion provided many things at once: not only a connection to the divine, but also a historical narrative of identity, a set of rituals to organize the week and year, and a community of families. PRRI found that the most important feature of religion for the dwindling number of Americans who still attend services a few times a year included “experiencing religion in a community” and “instilling values in their children.”

When I read the PRRI survey, this emphasis on community is what caught my eye. . .

It caught my eye also and led me to reflect on my history with God and with the Roman Catholic Church, both as a child and as an adult.  During much of my childhood, I believed in God.  My mother was a 1st generation Irish American and a Catholic through and through.  She insisted, over my father's objection, that my sister and I attend our parish's grammar school and that we attend Catholic high schools.  (As far as I know, there were no 'middle schools' when and where we grew up.)  We were surrounded by Catholic iconography: pictures and statuettes of Jesus and Mary, Nativity creches at Christmas, holy cards. rosaries, scapulars, St. Joseph purity cords, and crucifixes on bedroom walls.  We had a special crucifix that contained 2 little candles and 2 vials of holy water and of chrism for use in Extreme Unction or the Last Rites.  Every classroom in our school had a picture of the dour Pope Pius XII, and perhaps images of The Little Flower, or of Francis of Assisi preaching to attentive birds.  We attended mass every Sunday and on holy days of obligation, though none of the adults in our family did.  We were also in church on Saturdays for Confession, and for Benedictions, and in Lent, for 40 Hours Devotions, when we took turns adoring the exposed Holy Sacrament, i.e., a large unleavened bread wafer, in a splendid gold monstrance on the altar.   We attended annual spiritual 'retreats' usually but not always, led by a professional Retreat Master, skilled at making us reflect on our sins and on God's love for us and His intention to consign us to Hell for eternity if we disobeyed His rules.   We were also urged to discern whether He had gifted us with a calling, a vocation to the priesthood or the religious life.  Indeed, in my high school group of 4 Irish Catholic best friends, two of us  (Johnny Flynn and then Jack O'Keeefe) joined the Irish Christian Brothers after graduation.  At Church we sang proper Catholic (never Protestant) songs, lit candles for the dead or for 'special intentions', and we were censed by the priest or an altar boy swinging a thurible emitting the pungent fragrance of burning incense.  In 6th, 7th, and 8th grade, I was an altar boy so I attended mass on early weekday mornings as well as on Sundays and holy days.  Growing up in those circumstances, it was almost impossible not to believe in God, and to fear His Justice that would consign us to Hell if we had, e.g., unconfessed and unforgiven "impure thoughts or actions".  Nonetheless, I recall feeling guilty sometime in 6th grade because I had doubts about what I was being taught about God by the nuns and priests because, as I understood it, not believing the truths of the Church was sinful.  I think that childhood dubeity never left me unless to be replaced by simple disbelief.  

I attended mass sporadically during college but rarely attended church during my 4 years in the Marines, and never during my tour in Vietnam.  Anne and I were married in a Catholic mass.  We had both Sarah and Andy baptized but I'm sure it was mainly because we were enculturated Catholics, raised by Catholic families and educated from elementary school through college at Catholic schools.  It would have been unthinkable not to have them baptized.  But when it came time to send send them off to school, we never seriously considered sending them to Catholic school.  Neither of us thought that Catholic schooling would be a good thing for them and we never thought of having them attend CCD (Confraternity of Christian Doctrine) classes at our local parish.  Anne and I were members of the second largest religion in America: fallen away Catholics.

     So how was it that around 1994 or 1995 I started going to Sunday mass at St. Francis of Assisi Church at 4th and Brown Streets in central city Milwaukee.  I'm not sure why I went but I went (no pun intended) religiously for about 6 years.  I was the regular driver of the church van on Sunday mornings, picking up and dropping off parishioners all over the inner city.  I was reluctantly persuaded to let myself be nominated and elected to the Parish Council.  I was friendly with the three Capuchin priests at the parish, Fathers Niles, Paul, and Bob.  When I retired from the law faculty, I became the executive director of The House of Peace, a prominent inner-city  community center started by the parish.  I became friends with the two Capuchin priests who lived there, Al Veik and Matthew Gottschalk, and I attended early morning mass every morning in the chapel.  Did I believe in God during those years?  I don't think so.   Did I believe in the Catholic Church?  I don't think so.  What brought me back into the fold?  I believe it was what the author of the article in The Atlantic suggests, i.e., the desire for community and, in my case, a community that wasn't exclusively or predominantly comprised of upper middle-class, professional or managerial, relatively affluent White people.  Or, in more high-faluting language, perhaps a yearning for a sense of an ordered existence in a world where 'God's in his heaven, all's right with the world.'  Rites, rituals, canonical hours, religious seasons, holy days, sacraments and sacramentals, customs and traditions provide a stable framework for a life that is otherwise buffeted by strong secular winds  Holy cards, holy water, ashes, palms, 'beads', icons, etc., contriubte to a sense of order in the universe, the absence of chaos, absurdity, purposefulness, and meaninglessness,  Even if you can't believe in any traditional, Thomistic concept of God or of any personal, or 3 person, God, these things can tend to steady a person on his journey through this "vale of tears."


ROBERT BROWNING

Pippa’s Song


THE year ’s at the spring,

And day ’s at the morn;

Morning ’s at seven;

The hill-side ’s dew-pearl'd;

The lark ’s on the wing;

The snail ’s on the thorn;

God ’s in His heaven—

All ’s right with the world!