Thursday, February 29, 2024

2/29/24

 Thursday, February 29, 2029

In bed at 9:10, awake with some bladder and shoulder pain at 2:30, unable to sleep, up at 2:40, Let Lilly out.  17°, clear through the morning with wind 10 mph, 9-19, 32, wind chill is 5°, high of 39°.  Sunrise at 6:28, sunset at 5:40, 11+11.    

Treadmill; pain.  I was disappointed to feel some pain in my left shoulder while lying in bed, even a bit in my right wrist,  Neither pain was nearly as bad as before the cortisone injection, duller and less intense.  

I'm grateful that the sun is shining this morning and yesterday's wind has abated.   I'm also grateful for my weekly mindfulness/meditation session.  Today's group [ was Lou, Mike, Rose, Amanda, and me. 

The State of the Union.  I'm trying to remember a time when America was more riven by factionalism, Left v. Right, Democrat v. Republican, Red State v. Blue State, neighbor v. neighbor, family member v. family member. Evangelicals v. seculars, etc.  The only times that come close to our current era were the late 40s and 50s with the big Communist Scare (McCarthyism, John Birch Society, HUAC, black lists, bomb shelters and air raid drills in schools) and the mid and late 60s and early 70s with the Vietnam invasion, and the draft, civil rights demonstrations, the pill and the Sexual Revolution, and Watergate.  These were the times of Barry Goldwater's The Conscience of a Conservative (1960), ghost-written by L. Brent Bozell, William F. Buckley's brother-in-law, and None Dare Call It Treason (1964), written by the evangelical minister John A. Stormer.  Those were the days of my adolescence and young adulthood.  I feel shame in admitting that for a while I fell for all the right-wing propaganda that was all about.  I voted for Barry Goldwater in 1964. It was the era of the Warren Court from 1953 to 1969 including revolutionary cases like Brown v. Board of Education in 1954 and Miranda v. Arizona in 1966.  It was the era of the Catholic Church's Second Vatican Council, from 1962 to 1965 with its seemingly revolutionary changes in liturgy, doctrines and practices, ecumenism and relations with Jews, and religious freedom.  They were heady times to be a working-class young guy born during FDR's New Deal and raised 'in the bosom of' the Church' during the turbulent, triumphalist days between the end of World War II and the debacle of Vietnam.  I went from naïvely voting for Goldwater in 1964 to returning from Vietnam less than 2 years later in a state of culture shock, feeling morally depressed, isolated, disillusioned, and at best skeptical or cynical about most political, social, and religious "isms."

Are the days we are living in worse than the 50s, 60s, and early 70s?  I think so.  I would be the last guy to refer to those earlier days as "the good old days."  They weren't good.  Americans were deeply polarized then over civil rights, racism, military adventurism, sexual mores, religion, and certainly politics.  But I never felt the country was "coming apart at the seams" as I do now.  I never felt that Richard Nixon Gerry Ford, Ronald Reagan, or either of the Bushes was a fascist, intent on fundamentally changing the nature or structure of the American government toward one-party rule or dictatorship.  I never thought that my conservative Republican colleagues on the law faculty at Marquette were fascists.  Even during the days of the Weather Underground, the Symbionese Liberation Army, and the Sterling Hall Math Center bombing in Madison, I never felt we were on the verge of widespread violent attacks on agents, organs, and instrumentalities of democratic government.  I never thought that the leaders of the Republican Party, or their supporters, were mentally deranged and evil.  Although I thought that the values and policies of the Republicans were mistaken, selfish, or even dangerous, I didn't think that Republicans were actually delusional, unable to distinguish reality from imaginings, and unable to surrender false beliefs despite overwhelming evidence disproving those beliefs.  Donald Trump is deranged, mentally unbalanced and unhinged.  There is every reason to believe he is a sociopath with a narcissistic personality disorder.  He is a bad man, wicked, amoral and immoral, depraved and contemptible.  His millions of followers are delusional, insisting that Trump was cheated out of winning the 2020 election despite all the evidence to the contrary.  Many of his followers are disposed to believe whacko conspiracy theories spread by QAnon and others.  And they are well-armed, some of them organized into quasi-military militias.  They believe the apocalyptic rhetoric spouted by Trump and others about Americans being at risk of 'losing your country' to "the communists, Marxists, fascists and the radical left thugs that live like vermin within the confines of our country."  With the country awash in lethal weapons, including assault weapons, most of them probably owned by 2nd Amendment gun nuts, we are all in trouble worse than we ever were during the turbulent days of the 50s, 60s, and early 70s.  Or am I the delusional one, the paranoid one?

I confess these thoughts were triggered by the decision of the Supreme Court to review the decision of the D.C. Circuit Court rejecting Trump's claim of immunity.  As a practical matter, the Court's action almost certainly means Trump's trial in Judge Tanya Chutkan's court for the attempted coup will not occur before the November presidential election.  The public will not learn of all the evidence the Special Counsel has amassed.  Was that the Republican Court's purpose in taking the case and in delaying the argument until sometime in the week of April 22?  Can there be any doubt?  In law, In tort an individual is considered to intend the consequences of an act—whether or not she or he actually intends those consequences—if the individual is substantially certain that those consequences will result.

Errands:  Best Buy for ink cartridges, Sentry for food, Shell for gas, and veterinarian's office for Lilly's medicines.

Wednesday, February 28, 2024

2/28/24

 Wednesday, February 28, 2024

In bed around 9, unable to stay awake during season 1, episode 1 of the English Wallander with Kenneth Branagh, awake around 3, and up at 3:15 without serious pain for the first time since ???.  Let Lilly out into wind-driven, wet snow after yesterday's record temperature of 73°.  30°, high of 44°.  The wind is NW at 21 mph, 13-23/37. Sunrise at 6:30 at 100°E, sunset at 5:39 at 260°W, 11+9.  Solar noon at 12:04, altitude 39°.

Treadmill; pain.  After receiving the lidocaine/cortisone injection yesterday, my left shoulder is better but still with some stiffness, limited ROM, and dull aching pain, rather than sharp pain.  My right hand made it through the night without substantial pain.  My first journal entry about waking with noticeable shoulder pain was on Christmas Day, 66 days ago.  The first entry about awakening with hand pain was on January 13, 46 days ago.  It's been a rough start to 2024.  It really started weeks before November 22, 2022, when I had an "urgent care" visit to my VA Gold Clinic with "sharp perineal pain" which I had been experiencing for "the past few weeks to months," so for the past 16 months.  Dr. Kenkel, the attending physician wrote "Of note, [the patient] was in significant pain during the office visit."  Also, 2 trips to the VA Emergency Room with intense, severe pain, the last on 11/25/2023, the first on ???, the last for a "flare" of my interstitial cystitis, the one before for a UTI that we thought was a kidney stone. On top of the challenges with perineal, bladder, shoulder, hand & wrist pain, there has also been the "Mild to moderate degenerative disc disease with severe L4-L5 and L5-S1 facet arthropathy" (as confirmed on October 13, 2023, by x-ray/CT scan) in my lumbar and sacral spine.   In 6 days, I have the surgery to fugurate more Hunner's lesions.  What then?

I'm grateful for the medical care I receive from the VA.  I need to remember to call Ed Felsenthal today to thank him again for urging me to enroll.  On reflection, I'm also grateful that since I became enrolled in the VA HealthCare program and have relied entirely on VA healthcare providers, all my medical records for the past several years are available in one place.  Otherwise, I would have some records in my primary care doctor's system, others in my urologist's system, others in an urgent care provider's system, others in an ER provider's system, others in an ophthalmologist's, dermatologist's, neurologist's, or physical therapist's system, etc.

Supreme Court has taken Trump's Immunity Case.  What this surely means: at least one justice disagrees with the decision of the D.C. Circuit Court on the immunity issue.  What it probably also means: the case won't be tried before the November general election.  Trump wins again, showing what political power and the ability to spend tens of millions of dollars on high-priced legal help means.  Equal Justice Under Law. (snicker, snicker)

Historic temperature drop:  4 p.m. yesterday 74℉, 9 a.m. this morning 16°, -58° in 18 hours.



Tuesday, February 27, 2024

2/27/24

 Tuesday, February 27, 2024

In bed at 9:30, had a hard time getting to sleep, was awake at ?, and up at 3:35  with very bad hand pain.  Let Lilly out.  52°, high of 73° !?!?, sprinkles, showers, rain, wind SW   Sunrise at 6:31, sunset at 5:37, 11+06

   


Treadmill; pain.   My right hand is very painful on awakening, hard to open the door to let Lilly out, intense, sharp pain on lifting the lid to her treat bowl.  Painful to type.  The hand pain improved during the day as usual.  I'm looking forward to seeing the hand specialist in the PT clinic on the 16th.  Dr. Cheng reminded me again that these pains attributable to age and organ degeneration never get better.  The best we can hope for is to keep it from getting worse.  I mentioned to him that I've become aware of how worsening pain in my joints could render me incapable of caring for myself and suitable for a nursing home.  Scary thoughts.  

I'm grateful for painkillers and wish there were more of them and that they were even more effective, but disappointed that today's injection hasn't provided more relief so far.  Mickey the Mope, pity party.     

We watched more of the testimony on the motion to disqualify Fani Willis from the Trump RICO prosecution in Atlanta.  I also napped quite a bit because of a lack of enough sleep last night

Visit the PM&R Clinic for an injection of cortisone & lidocaine in my left shoulder.  The lidocaine component provided some early relief but the shoulder is still stiff and sore.  The cortisone is supposed to 'kick in' in a couple of days.

Record Heat today, hard to believe.  Tonight, snow.

Monday, February 26, 2024

2/26/24

  Monday, February 26, 2024

In bed at 10 and up at 4:24.  I spent the whole night on the bed except for about 1/2 hour on LZB, sleeping on my back and right side.  34°, high of 50°, sunny morning, then cloudy/partly cloudy.  The wind is NE at 7 mph, 3-14/27.  Sunrise at 6:33 at 102°, sunset at 5:36, 11+3.   

Treadmill; pain.   I made it through the night mostly on the bed without pain keeping me awake.  The worrisome thing is what feels like the beginning of rotator cuff syndrome in my right shoulder.  I took 2 caplets of Tylenol 8 Hours and will try to take another 2 around 1 p.m. when I should be back from the VA and again at 9 p.m.  I get a shot of cortisone in the shoulder tomorrow at noon.  Hopefully, I'll be able to get back on the treadmill again but maybe not till after next week's surgery.

I'm grateful for getting an almost decent night's sleep.     

I have VA pre-op appointments today. at 11 a.m., signing the consent form.  11:15 a.m., blood work, EKG, urinalysis.  12 p.m., chest x-ray.  12:30 p.m., meeting re: anesthesia.  I need to ask the surgical nurse whether to stop applying topical diclofenac today or if the instruction only applies to oral diclofenac.  

P.M.  All my tests turned out OK.

A good start to a day.   Andy asked me whether I could drive Peter to school today.  He had to be at Nicolet by 9:15 so I could drop him off and get to the VA for my pre-op requirements by 11 with time to spare, which is what I did.  I decided to have breakfast at the IHOP near the VA.  On the way in, a lady who turned out to be a waitress there saw me struggling a bit to get out of the Volvo and made a point of holding the door into IHOP for me.  My waitress was a cheery Latina who was friendly with me and her other customers.  When I left the place, a fellow who looked a bit derelict-y but wasn't wished me a great day and asked if he could get the door of the Volvo for me and we had a nice chat.  When I entered the VA parking garage, the young woman at the entry kiosk gave me (and probably every other patient coming in) a big smile, as she always does.  When I checked in, I had a nice chat with the young fellow who checked me in and asked me if I needed a wheelchair, as did the other staff member standing nearby.  The nurse practitioner who went over the necessary consent form with me was warm and friendly, as was the x-ray technician who took my chest x-ray, and the med tech who drew blood, dealt with the urine sample, and administered the EKG.  Finally, the resident anesthesiologist, Dr. Rivera, who asked all the necessary pre-surgery questions for about 15 minutes, also spent about 45 minutes chatting with me about Dostoevski,  Crime and Punishment, The Brothers Karamazov, Thomas Merton, Zen, his family in Connecticut, his physician wife and her advanced directive, the Catholic Church, Thomas Carroll's Constantine's Sword, Bernie Sanders, Elizabeth Warren and several other topics.  It was the most interesting talk I've ever had with a physician.  Before I had even started my first appointment at the VA, I had been blessed by half a dozen acts of kindness and fellowship from people I did not know, people of probably vastly different backgrounds, different races, different economic and family circumstances, different prospects and probably different political persuasions.  But they were all kind and helpful to me.  I am reminded of Blanche DuBois in Streetcar Named Desire and her iconic line "I have always relied on the kindness of strangers."  I am also reminded of the strangers who helped lift me off the pavement when I fell on the street and couldn't get up by myself.  And the thought comes to me that there is in at least most of us a goodness that lives 'deep down in us', reminding me of Gerard Manley Hopkins' poem God's Grandeur and its lines 

Generations have trod, have trod, have trod;

    And all is seared with trade; bleared, smeared with toil;

    And wears man's smudge and shares man's smell: the soil

Is bare now, nor can foot feel, being shod.

And for all this, nature is never spent;

    There lives the dearest freshness deep down things;

Hopkins was speaking of "Nature" and seemed to be almost disparaging of Man's place in it, but I suspect, and hope, that what he wrote of Nature is true also of people, that there lives the dearest freshness deep down people. [But only at the individual, interpersonal level, not at the intergroup level.  Reinhold Niebuhr, Moral Man and Inmoral Society]

Our Town.  I wonder what Thornton Wilder and the Stage Manager would say if the setting had been early 21st-century Milwaukee rather than early 20th-century Grover's Corner.

A quadruple shooting left two people dead and two others with injuries Sunday afternoon on the 2600 block of N. 51st St.  The shootings, Milwaukee Police said, are believed to be domestic violence-related, according to a news release.

Shortly after noon, a 21-year-old and a 28-year old sustained fatal gunshot wounds, a 23-year-old sustained non-fatal gunshot injuries, and a male, age unknown, sustained life-threatening gunshot injuries.  All four of the victims are thought to have exchanged gunfire with unknown suspects. All three of the injured were taken into custody as well as a 25-year-old who was not injured, according to the news release. The 28-year-old died Sunday night in the hospital.

The Milwaukee Police Department is still looking for additional unknown suspects and charges are pending review by the Milwaukee County District Attorney's Office.

A Burnt Offering.  "Then Jethro, Moses' father-in-law, brought a burnt offering and other sacrifices to God."  Exodus 18:12a.

A man is in critical condition after setting himself on fire while wearing military fatigues midday Sunday outside the Israeli Embassy in D.C., authorities said. . . A video shared online that multiple officials said appeared to be posted by the man shows him referring to his service in the U.S. armed forces and shouting “Free Palestine” as he burned.  A spokeswoman for the Air Force, Rose M. Riley, confirmed in an email that “an active duty airman was involved in today’s incident.” 

Memories of Vietnam. 

We learned that Enid Powell died suddenly last night at age 92.  RIP

Sunday, February 25, 2024

2/25/24

 Sunday, February 25, 2024

In bed around 10 (?), up at 1:30 for pit stop, back to bed until 2:30 but unable to sleep due to shoulder/wrist pain, up again at 3:30.  29°, high of 50°, mostly cloudy day ahead.  The wind is SSW aat 15 mph, 6-15/28.  Sunrise at 6:34, sunset at 5:35, 11+0.  I let Lilly out at 3:10.

Caila will be here for dinner tonight.

Treadmill; pain.   It's been a painful day.  I can't manage the first shoulder stretch again, wondering whether that stretch worsens the pain.

I'm grateful for PBS and Public Radio.

Aware: Glimpses of Consciouness  Last night, Geri and I watched again this documentary from the Independent Lens series on Milwaukee PBS.  We had watched much of it the night before but we both fell asleep and resolved to watch it again last night.  Consciousness is perhaps Nature's greatest mystery.  Where does it come from?  For that matter, where does Life come from?  What were the first entities on Earth that were living, having the properties of movement, sensitivity, reproduction, growth, etc?  What living things have consciousness, awareness and awareness or awareness?  Where did 'livingness' and 'consciousness' come from?  The easiest answer is: God, but that leads to other unanswerable questions and for non-believers and agnostics, it's no answer.  When did consciousness evolve, if it did, and which animals (or other creatures) have it?  All of these questions are fascinating mysteries but I was especially interested in what I might learn from the sections of the program that featured Buddhism and meditation practices but I didn't learn much from those parts.  Nonetheless, I continue to believe, or hope, that there is much to learn from the practices of mindfulness and meditation, and from Buddhism generally and its outgrowth, Zen.  The physical pain I have been experiencing for some time now has interfered with my readings in these areas and with my beginner's practices.  Actually, it interferes with everything, like a spoiled, selfish child demanding demanding my attention only on him,

My international readership.  The application/web site (what is it?) independent.academia.edu sent me an email today informing me that Zakaria HADRAOUI of Morocco " read your paper, "Uncle Bob": Introductory Remarks to the Inaugural Robert F. Boden Lecture".  "Uncle Bob" was a speech I gave on February 11, 1997, 27 years ago, published at 81 Marquette Law Review 5 (1997).  I wonder how this academic website knows that Messr. Hadraoui read my speech/article and, more interesting, WHY he would read it.


Saturday, February 24, 2024

2/24/24

 Saturday, February 24, 2024

In bed around 9:30 and then much the same routine as last night, unable to sleep in bed because of persistent pain, moving between the LZB and BCL, difficulty sleeping, up at 5:51.  Let Lilly out into 18°, wind chill 7° morning weather. Wind NNW at 10 mph, 4-16/29. A thin blanket of frozen snow on the ground from yesterday.  Sunrise at 6:36, sunset at 5:34, 10+57.  Solar noon at 12:04, altitude up to 38°.



Three months ago today I last enjoyed coffee in the morning, some Coke or ginger ale during the day, and a glass or two of Zinfandel wine at night because the following day I was in the VA emergency room in intense pain with my rescuers: Andy, the nurses, and Dr. Uilein.  The dreaded diagnosis after a CT scan, blood and urine tests, and other diagnostics: a "flare" of my IC.  Bye, bye, coffee, soda, wine.  Maybe after the upcoming fulguration, I can try these beverages again in moderation.  Maybe not.  I'm better off without all of them.




Treadmill; pain.  I've been avoiding the treadmill because of the pain conditions: shoulder, wrist, low back, and pelvis.  Maybe today . . .  Last night's sleep experience was modestly better than the night before, perhaps because I expected to be spending much of the night on the recliners rather than in bed.  I received a response from Dr. Cheng to my inquiries regarding the shoulder and wrist pains:

1) A hand brace might be helpful. I am going to send you to hand PT as they canshow you some intrinsic hand muscle exercises and also help with picking the proper brace glove.

2) That is correct, your x-ray shows findings that the radiologist read as a prior trapeziectomy but if you had not had a prior hand surgery, that is quite odd. Usually trapeziectomies are performed to help with base of the thumb arthritis (what you have). Your x-ray showed severe degeneration at the base of the thumb. Regardless, your pain is from the degenerative changes at the base of your thumb.

3) Yes, it can be expected that you will have wrist pain to some degree and it may even worsen as degenerative changes worsen. Try out the PT and if it is still bothersome I may send you to orthopedics hand specialists to see what thoughts they have.

4) For the left shoulder pain, I expect that if you are very consistent with the exercises that they give you and do them at home everyday, your shoulder pain will improve to a certain degree and may even resolve. Similar to the above about the wrist, though, we are fighting the natural process of the aging body and degeneration that results. I can perform a cortison injection to bathe around a bursa in the shoulder if you want. This can alleviate the pain symptoms. Downside is that recurrent cortisone/steroid usage is not good for joints and there is some thought it may lead to faster degeneration, but at this point I think symptomatic management so you can perform the exercises is more important. You can try the lidocaine patches around the shoulder, but generally speaking people tend to have more success with the diclofenac gel.

I will put in for the PT hand and let me know about the cortisone injection intothe shoulder.

I'm grateful that I was able to write a memoir about my first 30 or so years of life and that I had and have access to so many other memoirs and other histories of various experiences in my life.  I'm grateful that at some time somehow I came to derive some pleasure or satisfaction from writing, (or is it a need to write?).  When did this occur?  Not in high school or college, for I don't recall ever taking pleasure in writing an academically-required essay or report.  I suspect it started during my last year in the Marines at NAS Willow Grove when I had among my ancillary duties the job of Public Information Officer and I became familiar with Fowler's Modern English Usage, Follett's Modern American Usage, the New York Times Manual of Style and Usage, and a NYT newsletter that collected misusages from the newspaper that got past the copy editors.  After that, I found out in law school that I was pretty good at writing those 3-hour essay exams that were then de rigueur.  On top of that, I was Lead Article Editor and then Editor-in-Chief of the law review and had a job as the editorial assistant for two faculty-edited (really edited by me) commercial law publications.  In the following year, as a new faculty member, I was the Legal Writing professor for about 120 1L law students, a cruel and exploitative assignment but one that made me an expert on how poorly many, perhaps most, college graduates write.  In any case, over those 5 years between 1966 and 1971, I became a frequent and usually careful writer.  And of course as a faculty member and later as a practicing lawyer I did a lot of writing.  I relied on my good friend and law office colleague David Branch to edit some of my work and found out from him that I was (and still am) wordy.  I use too many words to say things that can be said more concisely.  His edits were always correct and useful and I usually accepted them but often opted to stick with my wordy excesses simply because it was the way I expressed myself then and still do, with lots of surplusage.  Plus, in writing these daily journal entries that I know will be read by no one but me, I easily fall into run-on sentences, inappropriate hyphenation and capitalization, misplaced modifiers, and awkward constructions.  David Branch's red pencils would need frequent sharpening editing of my daily musings.

    What prompted these reflections was reading Hillary Kelly's review of the several memoirs of Diana Athill  in the 2/21/2024 New Yorker titled "A Memoirist Who Told Everything and Repented Nothing."  I especially enjoyed this quote about old age from one of Athill's late-life memoirs:

We tend to become convinced that everything is getting worse simply because within our own boundaries things are doing so.  We are becoming less able to do things we would like to do, can hear less, see less, eat less, hurt more, our friends die, we know that we ourselves will soon be dead. . . . It’s not surprising, perhaps, that we easily slide into a general pessimism about life, but it is very boring and it makes dreary last years even drearier.

It made me wonder, only momentarily, whether my "general pessimism about life" is just attributable to my old age rather than to real conditions in the U.S. and in the world.  I don't think so since there appear to be so many much younger people who share my pessimism.


2/23/24

 Friday, February 23, 2024

Asleep on the TV room recliner at 9:15, in bed at 9:45, awake with pain by 11 & onto LZB, Lilly woke up & needed to be let out at 12:30, then back on the TV room recliner.  39°, high of 40°, wind NW at 13 mph, 10-20/31.   Sunrise at 6:38, sunset at 5:32, 10+54.  Let Lilly out again at 3.

Treadmill; pain.  Serious pain had me struggling to get out of bed somewhere around 11 p.m.  Both the  wrist, which will probably eventually get better, and the shoulder which probably will not.  While I was on the LZB, I had unmistakable early signs of pain in my right shoulder.  I took one ADVIL instead of Tylenol.  When Geri wakes up, I'll probably ask her to put a lidocaine patch on my shoulder.  I should have asked Dr. Cheng about the advisability of that in yesterday's secure message, but didn't think of it.  I'll send another secure message now.   ["Dear Dr. Cheng:  I'm writing this at 1 a.m.., unable to sleep because of shoulder & wrist pain. I had tremendous difficulty getting out of bed a while ago because of the painful joints. I'm wondering whether I can use the lidocaine patches you prescribed for back pain on my shoulder. Please advise. Also. I'm starting to get similar pain in my right shoulder, not as severe as the left shoulder but worrisome. Thanks again. "]  The pain has been pretty crippling all day.  I can't do the basic PT stretch because of pain.



I'm grateful that we received a text message that Sarah and Christian are planning to come in from Germany for the Easter triduum and will be staying with us.  Keeping my fingers crossed that I won't be 'a basket case' by then, healthwise.





LTMW at Geri in her warm winter coat with the hood up walking Lilly lovingly on this cold, windy day.  Lilly's lucky, me too. 

Trip to the vet about Lilly's intestinal problem, accident.

Call from Larry Anderson about a visit in August.  Always good to hear from him.  His wife Jan has a rotator cuff tear, and surgery planned for June.      

Friday, February 23, 2024

2/22/24

 Thursday, February 22, 2024

In bed at 9, awake with pain at 2:45, up at 2:55.  37°, high of 49°. wind N at 5 mph, 2-13/24.  Sunrise at 6:39, sunset at 5:31, 10:51.  


Treadmill; pain.
   Serious, mostly dull pain in right hand and wrist, even slight pain in my right elbow, dull pain extends up my forearm.  Painful to lift the laptop and to use the keyboard..  Pain in my left shoulder.  I applied diclofenac to my hand but couldn't apply to my shoulder.  I expect the pain in my wrist/hand/thumb/forearm to dissipate with use & stretching.  Late this afternoon, I sent  this 'secure message to Dr. Cheng:

Dear Dr. Cheng:

Thank you for the help you have provided to me so far with my back, shoulder, and wrist pain conditions and I hope you might provide some additional help.  Bottom line: I’m wondering whether I would benefit from steroid injection(s) or some treatment other than or in addition to physical therapy.

I keep a daily journal on a blog site and try to include health information in it.  The earliest entry re: the pain in my left shoulder was on December 25, 2023 (“Woke up with left shoulder and midback pain, tightness in lower back & pelvic floor.).  The earliest reference to the pain in my right wrist/thumb/hand was on January 13, 2024 (“Woke up with a very sore left shoulder and even more painful right wrist and to a lesser extent, right hand.)  Those pains have grown worse/more disabling since their onset.  When I visited you in the PM&R Clinic on January 31, for some reason both my shoulder and my wrist were relatively pain-free, but that was not the case either before or after that visit.

The wrist pain is worse when I am sleeping and when I get up each morning.  It gets considerably better with movement each morning.

The left shoulder is painful almost all the time.

I am not sure whether or to what extent the diclofenac cream is much help, especially concerning the shoulder pain.  Ditto the physical therapy stretches, which are a challenge precisely because of the pain, though I’ve only been doing them for less than a week.

In any event, life is challenging with the shoulder pain (getting out of bed each morning and for multiple ‘pit stops’ during each night, getting dressed, personal hygiene, etc.)  

What I am wondering is:

(1) Might I benefit from wearing a hand and wrist brace during the night?

(2) On  my myhealthevet.gov record there is a reference to “Prior trapeziectomy with severe degenerative changes at base of thumb.”  Do the x-rays of my right wrist reveal a missing trapezium bone?  I have not had surgery on my wrist so this reference is confusing to me.  Does the presence or absence of the trapezium affect the diagnosis of the painful condition?

(3) Should I expect this wrist pain to be a persistent problem, i.e., for the rest of my life?

(4) If my left shoulder pain continues despite the PT stretches, are there any other treatments that might alleviate the pain and let me live a more normal life?  If so, what are the ‘downsides’ of such treatments?  Should I expect the shoulder pain to be a persistent problem?

Again, thank you for all the help you have provided and for attending to these questions.

I'm grateful that I am personally familiar with the characteristics of Peter the Pity Partyer, which is who I am thinking of this morning.  I had a friend some years back who was a Grand Master Pity Partyer, always finding something to complain about, to fret about, to feel disappointed about, to feel wronged about.  In fact, he was richly blessed with a terrific wife (whom he predictably drove away), a talented and healthy son, a dream home. even a great job with guaranteed employment and income.  Nonetheless, he was chronically unhappy, Mickey the Mope.  He felt that the World or Life owed him more than it was providing, so he felt wrongfully deprived, persistently cheated out of his due.  A male Debbie Downer.  There are too many days when I emulate Peter the Pity Partyer but thankfully I am usually (I hope) or at least often able to recognize when I am feeling sorry for myself so I can SNAP OUT OF IT and for this I am most grateful.  Q: Why me, Lord?  A: Why not you?




Thursday, February 22, 2024

Pain entries

2/23/24  Asleep on TV room recliner at 9:15, in bed at 9:45, awake with pain by 11 & onto LZB, Lilly woke up & needed to be let out at 12:30, then back on TV room recliner.   Serious pain had me struggling to get out of bed somewhere around 11 p.m.  Both wrist, which will probably eventually get better, and shoulder which probably will not.  While I was on the LZB, I had unmistakable early signs of pain in my right shoulder.   I took one Advil, which may have helped shoulder.

 2/22/24  Serious mostly dull pain in right hand and wrist, even slight pain in right elbow, dull pain extends up forearm.  Painful to lift laptop and to use the keyboard..  Pain in left shoulder.  I applied diclofenac to hand but couldn't apply to shoulder.  I expect the pain in my wrist/hand/thumb/forearm to dissipate with use & stretching. 

2/21/24   I got up with considerable pain in my left shoulder and especially in my right wrist, hand, and forearm.  Yesterday the arthritis in my lower spine had me quite stooped over all day.  I'm wondering whether this is becoming permanent.  I'm also wondering when and whether and how to use Tylenol, aware of the 3,000/4,000 mg. safe limit per day.  Tylenol's instructions say 'severe liver damage may occur' if I exceed this amount and also "acetaminophen may cause severe skin reactions. Symptoms may include: skin reddening, blisters, rash.  If a skin reaction occurs, stop use and seek medical help right away."  Is this what the redness and bumpy skin on my lower left leg is about?  Is it time to send message to Dr. Chatt or am I just a wimp, a hypochondriac, a catastrophizer?  A Munchausener?!?😱  Yesterday I was wondering whether the leg rash might be cellulitis, today an allergic reaction to acetaminophen.  Nonetheless, I took 2 extra-strength Tylenol at 7:30, reminding myself of my favorite line from Groundhog Day, Andie McDowell saying to Bill Murray: "I like to see a man of advancing years throwing caution to the wind. It's inspiring in a way."

2/20/24  On awakening, the normal pains, but wrist pain is better than in the past, as is shoulder pain although the shoulder is the bigger problem of the two.  I got on the treadmill yesterday for a slow, short walk, 20:01 & 0.36 watching the opening of the ICJ hearing for an advisory opinion re: Israel's 56-year occupation of Palestinian territories.   Today, pain keeps me off the treadmill.  0:00 

2/19/24  The usual shoulder, wrist/hand, pelvic pain on awakening.  It's painful to reach and lift the water bottle on the side table.   

2/18/24  The shoulder is still painful but seems less a bit painful than before, the result of PT stretches yesterday?  The wrist is also a bit less painful than yesterday, able to type with all fingers, but the pain extends to mid-forearm. And, egad, now I've developed a pain in my lower back where I know from an x-ray that I have some "severe" arthritis.  I'm feeling surrounded!😱

2/17/24  Very bad wrist pain this a.m., bad shoulder, too.  Painful to type.  By 3:30 in the afternoon, the pain is still considerable, and I've done my physical therapy stretches, hoping they will decrease the pain.  So far, no such luck.  My left shoulder has been sending pain signals to me much like the right shoulder did weeks ago; it scares me with thoughts of losing the use of both arms.  Out of commission.  Giving up?

2/16/24  Very bad wrist and hand pain; it Is painful this morning to type with all fingers, not only from the right wrist/hand/forearm pain but also from the bad left shoulder pain. 

2/15/24  Shoulder pain was a problem during the night; it had me on LZB and up at 3.  PT tomorrow.  Typing these entries is painful, both from the shoulder and the right wrist and hand.  I am semi-disabled by these conditions, not having a strong arm-hand tool on either side.  The wrist gets better with use during the day, but not the shoulder.  I'll see what the physical therapist has to say about the shoulder tomorrow, but I'm guessing I may end up getting a cortisone injection from the PM&R clinic.

2/14/24   I woke with considerable pain in my shoulder and wrist, but mostly in my wrist.  It's painful to type.  Ferkrimpter body, ferkrimpter mind.  The wrist gets better with movement during the day, but the shoulder is a real problem, very limiting.  

2/13/24  Woke up with considerable shoulder and wrist pain, and not enough sleep.  I will see the hypnotherapist this morning, with my fingers crossed.  I believe I have been experiencing some incipient pain in my right shoulder for the last few days.  I hope it's not a sign of things to come.  I took a slow, short walk on the treadmill at 5 p.m., 20:02 & 0.38.  The painful wrist & shoulder situation has kept me off because I hold on to the side bars while I'm on it and tend to lean on my arms; not good but better than losing balance and falling off.

2/12/24   Woke with shoulder & wrist/thumb pain.  Applied diclofenac at 3:50 and set alarms for 9:45, 3:45, and 9:45

2/11/24  I woke with a lot of shoulder and wrist pain, and now having difficulty lifting my laptop, and am uncomfortable typing on it.  I did not apply diclofenac yesterday because the wrist seemed acceptable and applying the cream to the shoulder is a problem because of the need to keep it uncovered by clothing after application.  The lifting pain means no undershirt.  I need to wear a zipped hoodie or stay in my robe during the day.  The wrist pain definitely involves the hand, thumb, and lower forearm.  I'm also feeling some pain in my right elbow.   A rough start to the day.😟  Hard to pull out a Kleenex, to blow my nose, to take care of personal hygiene. 1/19/24  Treadmill; pain.  The usual awakening pains.  I'm wondering whether what has become chronic right wrist pain may be carpal tunnel syndrome.  I'll ask PM&R on the 31st.  

2/10/24     Bad shoulder pain on awakening.  I didn't apply diclofenac before going to bed.  The wrist is still pretty OK.  Ditto back

2/9/24   I woke with shoulder & wrist pain.  The last application of Duclofenac was at 9:30 last night.

2/8/24   It was a very rough night with pain, especially in my left shoulder, hard to get out from under bedding and out of bed for pit stops and to spend sleepless time on LZB.  Around 3 a.m., I managed to get my undershirt off and to apply a dose of DICLOFENAC to the shoulder.  The instructions say this med should not be in contact with any clothing for at least 10 minutes after application and is to be applied 4 times each day, which means effectively that I'll likely be in my bathrobe all day since the shoulder pain makes it impossible to get into and out of clothing 4 times a day. 

2/7/24  Shoulder & wrist pain during the night and upon awakening.  CPP all day. Rough day.

2/6/24   I woke with considerable pain in my shoulder and wrist.  So much for my theory about the Apple Watch.  Also bladder pain, hoping it's not a harbinger of cystoscopy ahead. 

2/5/24  Treadmill; pain.   Coming up on 24 hours w/o wearing the Apple Watch, the right wrist is still somewhat painful and restricted but not as bad as before.  My left shoulder is still bad but I haven't tried the analgesic cream yet.

2/4/24  Considerable wrist pain during the night.  I received the DICLOFENAC around 5 p.m. but didn't apply it until I could read the package insert which is scary enough to make me wonder whether I should apply it  The insert has such small print, all running together, that it is very difficult to read.    

2/3/24  Bad wrist pain during the night made for a hard time sleeping, time on the LZB, and Tylenol at 1 a.m., but no relief. I notice the wrist pain is much better mid-afternoon, suggesting arthritis rather than some other problem.  

2/2/24  Woke up with very painful (5?) left shoulder and right wrist, hand, and thumb.  Yesterday, with Dr. Cheng in the PM&R Clinic, neither my chronically painful left shoulder nor my chronically painful right wrist & environs were painful, or only very little.  The wrist is the much greater problem, making me almost one-armed at times. . . . I had the shoulder and wrist x-rayed at the VA today and Dr. Cheng reviewed them almost immediately thereafter.  He called to say it looks like a rotator cuff problem in the shoulder which should be helped by the topical med he ordered for me and by the physical therapy also ordered.  The wrist looks like nasty arthritis but there was some confusion because he confused me with another patient who had a trapeziectomy, so I'm not entirely sure what's what with the wrist (and hand, thumb, and forearm.)  I'll check the written report when it is published on myhealthevet.com.

1/31/24   Back, left shoulder, right wrist.  I see the doc at PM&R this afternoon.  Advice, relief??? 

1/30/24  Normal waking-up pains: back, shoulder, wrist.  

1/29/24  Treadmill; pain.  Normal waking pains.  I wondered whether to lift my heavy robe off its hook using my aching right wrist or my aching left shoulder

1/28/24  The right wrist pain has been daily since sometime before January 10, when I first mentioned it in this journal.  So @ 3 weeks.  I'm glad to be seeing PM&R on 1/31. 

1/27/24 waking pains are present but not so bad this morning

1/2624  I woke up with wrist pain thinking of more bladder procedures and the horrendous last one.

1/25/24  Woke up with normal mid-back, left shoulder, and right wrist pain plus some neck pain that went away upon rising. 

1/24/24  Woke up with the normal pains, including my right wrist which I realize isn't going to go away on its own, wondering about a wrist brace but waiting until my appointment with the VA PM&R clinic next week.  

1/23/24   Normal wakening pain in back and shoulder, pain in right wrist appears to be getting worse.  It's hard to hold onto anything with my right hand.  

1/22/24  Woke with normal back and left shoulder pain, and worse pain in my right wris

1/21/24  Considerable BPS last night, especially at 3, 4, and 5ish.  Last night's chili???  Plus the now normal sore right wrist and left shoulder.  Yesterday I had very few PF spasms.  This morning I am feeling some warning tightness. . . 

1/20   The wrist pain has become a troubling problem, extending up into my forearm and a bit into my hand.  It's quite painful, and makes typing on my laptop difficult, anything requiring the use of my right hand difficult, although it aches even doing nothing.  I'm also having some RP, CPP keeping me off the treadmill all morning

1/19/24   The usual awakening pains.  I'm wondering whether what has become chronic right wrist pain may be carpal tunnel syndrome.  I'll ask PM&R on the 31st.  

1/17/24  Normal back & right wrist pain; left shoulder, not so much.

1/16/24   My right wrist and left shoulder are still sore. 

1/15/24   I woke with the usual: sore left shoulder, right wrist, upper back

1/13/24  Woke up with a very sore left shoulder and even more painful right wrist and to a lesser extent, right hand.  

1/12/24   My right wrist is hurting badly as I wake up.  Is it simply arthritis or do I strain it in my sleep?   30:09 & 0

1/11/24    Woke with back, left shoulder, and right wrist pain and had quite a bit of plumbing discomfort & modest pain during the long trip to and visit at the VA. 

1/10/24   The arthritic back pain clears up pretty quickly with movement, but the right wrist pain is sticking around and made the morning kitchen clean up, dishwasher loading, and pots and pans washing a bit of a challenge, hard to hold anything with my right hand. 

1/7/24  PP continuing this morning and this afternoon.  Big struggle to put the sheets back on my bed after laundering them, back pain, pelvic pain combo

1/4/24  Awoke w/ upper & midback pain.  Big scare in the early afternoon with pain around the right kidney area, like pain on 11/25 (ER visit) but not as intense.  Took 3 Advil and laid down on the bed under a beach towel.  It felt better lying on the right side rather than the left.  

12/25/23  Woke up with left shoulder and midback pain, tightness in lower back & PF.



Wednesday, February 21, 2024

2/21/24

Wednesday, February 21, 2024

In bed at 9:30. awake and up with pain at 3:45.  39°, high of 53°, mostly sunny day ahead.  The wind is SSW at 7 mph, 3-8/17.  Sunrise at 6:41, sunset at 5:30, 10+48.   

Treadmill; pain.  I got up with considerable pain in my left shoulder and especially in my right wrist, hand, and forearm.  Yesterday the arthritis in my lower spine had me quite stooped over all day.  I'm wondering whether this is becoming permanent.  I'm also wondering when and whether and how to use Tylenol, aware of the 3,000/4,000 mg. safe limit per day.  Tylenol's instructions say 'severe liver damage may occur' if I exceed this amount and also "acetaminophen may cause severe skin reactions. Symptoms may include: skin reddening, blisters, rash.  If a skin reaction occurs, stop use and seek medical help right away."  Is this what the redness and bumpy skin on my lower left leg is about?  Is it time to send message to Dr. Chatt or am I just a wimp, a hypochondriac, a catastrophizer?  A Munchausener?!?😱  Yesterday I was wondering whether the leg rash might be cellulitis, today an allergic reaction to acetaminophen.  Nonetheless, I took 2 extra-strength Tylenol at 7:30, reminding myself of my favorite line from Groundhog Day, Andie McDowell saying to Bill Murray: "I like to see a man of advancing years throwing caution to the wind. It's inspiring in a way."


I'm grateful that, despite a painful start to this day, I still appreciate the beauty of the sun coming up in the East - the view from the front door as I let Lilly in at 7:40 a.m.  

The Rule of Law.  The Alabama supreme court has ruled, 8-1, that frozen embryos are children.  "The central question presented in these consolidated appeals, which involve the death of embryos kept in a cryogenic nursey, is whether the [1872 Wrongful Death of a Minor] Act contains an unwritten exception to that rule for extrauterine children -- that is unborn children who are located outside of a biological uterus at the time they are killed," Justice Jay Mitchell wrote for the majority.  "Under existing black-letter law, the answer to that question is no: the Wrongful Death of a Minor Act applies to all unborn children, regardless of location."  The court’s ruling repeatedly references God and the sanctity of life, citing the Bible and biblical scholars including Petrus van Mastricht, Thomas Aquinas and John Calvin. Chief Justice Thomas Parker wrote: “Human life cannot be wrongfully destroyed without incurring the wrath of a holy God, who views the destruction of His image as an affront to Himself … this is true of unborn human life no less than it is of all other human life – that even before birth, all human beings bear the image of God, and their lives cannot be destroyed without effacing his glory.”  Theocracy.

America's delusional defense of Israel before the ICJ.  From yesterday's NYTimes: "The latest U.S. defense of Israel on the global stage came at the International Court of Justice in The Hague, where Richard C. Visek, the acting legal adviser at the U.S. State Department, urged a 15-judge panel not to call for Israel’s immediate withdrawal from occupied Palestinian territory. He said that only the establishment of an independent Palestinian state alongside Israel could bring about lasting peace, repeating a longstanding U.S. position but one whose prospects appear even more elusive amid the war in Gaza."  Canada was expected to argue before the court Tuesday, but dropped out, saying its written statement would suffice. Canada had asked the court not to issue an advisory opinion for fear it would disrupt peace efforts.  What independent Palestinian state?  In whose dreams?  What peace efforts?  Propaganda aimed at Americans and Canadians.  The rest of the world knows better.

Picked up Lizzie at BMS after her Forensics meeting.  A beautiful, admirable young woman.  A pride and joy.

Picked up books at the library:  The Public Library, by Robert Dawson, Bird by Bird, by Anne Lamott, and Zen Mind, Beginner's Mind, by Shunryu Suzuki.

Tuesday, February 20, 2024

2/20/24

 Tuesday, February 20, 2024

In bed at 10 but still awake at 11:30.  Napping? Shoulder pain?  Up at 5:51.  29°, high of 45°, sunny morning, partly cloudy afternoon.  Dense Fog Advisory until 9 a.m.  Wind S at 6 mph, 1-12/22.  Sunrise at 6:42 at 104°, sunset at 5:28 at 256°, 10+46.  Solar noon at 12:05, alt. 36°.  Since solstice, the solar noon is 6 minutes later, its altitude 12° higher,  and sunrise 18° further north.

Treadmill; pain.  On awakening, the normal pains, but wrist pain is better than in the past, as is shoulder pain although the shoulder is the bigger problem of the two.  I got on the treadmill yesterday for a slow, short walk, 20:01 & 0.36 watching the opening of the ICJ hearing for an advisory opinion re: Israel's 56-year occupation of Palestinian territories.   Today, pain keeps me off the treadmill.  0:00 

I'm grateful for Annie Dillard's Pilgrim at Tinker Creek, and thoughts like these that prompt me to wonder whether she was into Zen or some other branch of Buddhism:

“Experiencing the present purely is being emptied and hollow; you catch the grace as a man fills his cup under a waterfall.”

“The death of self of which the great writers speak is no violent act. It is merely the joining of the great rock heart of the earth in its roll. It is merely the slow cessation of the will's spirits and the intellect's chatter: it is waiting like a hollow bell with a stilled tongue. Fuge, tace, quiesce. The waiting itself is the thing.”

“The sense impressions of one-celled animals are not edited for the brain: ‘This is philosophically interesting in a rather mournful way, since it means that only the simplest animals perceive the universe as it is."

“We have not yet encountered any god who is as merciful as a man who flicks a beetle over on its feet.”

" It is ironic that the one thing that all religions recognize as separating us from our creator--our very self-consciousness--is also the one thing that divides us from our fellow creatures. It was a bitter birthday present from evolution, cutting us off at both ends.” 

“Self-consciousness, however, does hinder the experience of the present. It is the one instrument that unplugs all the rest. So long as I lose myself in a tree, say, I can scent its leafy breath or estimate its board feet of lumber, I can draw its fruits or boil tea on its branches, and the tree stays tree. But the second I become aware of myself at any of these activities -- looking over my own shoulder, as it were -- the tree vanishes, uprooted from the spot and flung out of sight as if it had never grown. And time, which had flowed down into the tree bearing new revelations like floating leaves at ever moment, ceases. It dams, stills, stagnates. 

“I am sitting under a sycamore by Tinker Creek. I am really here, alive on the intricate earth under trees. But under me, directly under the weight of my body on the grass, are other creatures, just as real, for whom also this moment, this tree, is “it”… in the top inch of soil, biologists found “an average of 1,356 living creatures in each square foot… I might as well include these creatures in this moment, as best as I can. My ignoring them won’t strip them of their reality, and admitting them, one by one, into my consciousness might heighten mine, might add their dim awareness to my human consciousness, such as it is, and set up a buzz, a vibration…" 

“What I aim to do is not so much learn the names of the shreds of creation that flourish in this valley, but to keep myself open to their meanings, which is to try to impress myself at all times with the fullest possible force of their very reality. I want to have things as multiply and intricately as possible present and visible in my mind. Then I might be able to sit on the hill by the burnt books where the starlings fly over, and see not only the starlings, the grass field, the quarried rock, the viney woods, Hollins pond, and the mountains beyond, but also, and simultaneously, feathers’ barbs, springtails in the soil, crystal in rock, chloroplasts streaming, rotifers pulsing, and the shape of the air in the pines. And, if I try to keep my eye on quantum physics, if I try to keep up with astronomy and cosmology, and really believe it all, I might ultimately be able to make out the landscape of the universe. Why not?”     

She has a keen sense of time, space, and motion.  I crudely keep track of the length of daylight, the sun's daily altitude and where it rises and sets on the horizon.  She writes:

Spring is seeping north, towards me and away from me, at sixteen miles a day. Along estuary banks of tidal rivers all over the world, snails in black clusters like currants are gliding up and down the stems of reed and sedge, migrating every moment with the dip and swing of tides. Behind me, Tinker Mountain is eroding one thousandth of an inch a year. The sharks I saw are roving up and down the coast. If the sharks cease roving, if they still their twist and rest for a moment, they die. They need new water pushed into their gills; they need dance. Somewhere east of me, on another continent, it is sunset, and starlings in breathtaking bands are winding high in the sky to their evening roost. The mantis egg cases are tied to the mock-orange hedge; within each case, within each egg, cells elongate, narrow, and split; cells bubble and curve inward, align, harden or hollow or stretch. And where are you now?”

I have to wonder whether she is not deeply influenced by Buddhism and perhaps Zen, with her focus on living in the present moment, consciousness, awareness, and unencumbered sense impressions, all of which bespeak mindfulness and meditation.  Wikipedia tells us that she attended a Presbyterian church during her childhood, was "promiscuous" about religions in college, converted to Catholicism for a while as an adult, and lists her religion as "none."  I sent a copy of Pilgrim to Steve a few years ago because of his interest in Nature.  He said he found it hard to get into which didn't surprise me.  At times it is hard to know just what she is talking about when the poet in her (or the mystic?) takes over her writing.  I very much enjoyed Pilgrim years ago and, since thinking of her again in this journal, I ought to read some of her voluminous other writings.


   

Monday, February 19, 2024

2/19/24

 Monday, February 19, 2024

In bed at 9, awake and up at 3:30.  Let Lilly out.  22°, high of 38°, mostly cloudy day ahead, wind NW at 4 mph, 1-6/ 9.  Sunrise at 6:44, sunset at 5:27, 10+43/   

Treadmill; pain.   The usual shoulder, wrist/hand, pelvic pain on awakening.  It's painful to reach and lift the water bottle on the side table.   

I'm grateful for leaves.  I'm grateful for them in summer when they are green, red, yellow, or purple and attached to the trees that gave them birth.  I am grateful for them in autumn when they change color, lose their hydration, and are dropped to the ground by their parent tree to protect the tree's limbs, branches, and twigs during the upcoming winter months with their destructive winds and heavy snows.  I am grateful for them in mid-winder, like today, when I open the door to let Lilly out and find this lovely pin oak leaf, desiccated but in great shape, huddled up against our doorway, hoping perhaps I will bring it into my bedroom to join a few other oak and maple leaves that I have held onto for the last few years.  Why?  Because they are things of beauty, of symmetry and elegance, worthy of notice and appreciation notwithstanding that Nature provides them to us by the billions each year*.  “Nature is, above all, profligate. Don't believe them when they tell you how economical and thrifty nature is, whose leaves return to the soil. Wouldn't it be cheaper to leave them on the tree in the first place? This deciduous business alone is a radical scheme, the brainchild of a deranged manic-depressive with limitless capital. Extravagance! Nature will try anything once.” ― Annie Dillard, Pilgrim at Tinker Creek.  How did this little oak leaf, which probably dropped to the ground in October, survive in such pristine condition despite the inclemencies of Wisconsin's November, December, January, and most of February?

* I looked for the leaf after taking a morning nap but it had disappeared.  Alas!😭



Sunday, February 18, 2024

2/18/24

 Sunday,  February 18, 2024

In bed at 9:35, awake at 3:56, up at 4:11.  Let Lilly out at 4:18.  25°, clear, high of 36°, wind SW at 13 mph, 5-17/30.  Sunrise at 6:45, sunset at 5:26, 10+40, gaining almost 3 minutes of daylight each day.  

Treadmill; pain.  The shoulder is still painful but seems less a bit painful than before, the result of PT stretches yesterday?  The wrist is also a bit less painful than yesterday, able to type with all fingers, but the pain extends to mid-forearm. And, egad, now I've developed a pain in my lower back where I know from an x-ray that I have some "severe" arthritis.  I'm feeling surrounded!😱

I'm grateful for encountering the writer Anne Lamott in this morning's WaPo, where she has an essay titled "A Superpower of Older Age: Powerlessness."  Her words ring so true to me:

I woke up yesterday without too much going on except a cold and cough I’ve had for two weeks, and of course the whole world coming apart like a two-dollar watch. Also, beauty everywhere: clouds descended from the ridge into folds in the hills like puffs and swoops of light gray smoke. I went to wash my face with my glasses still on, and felt like I was in a carwash. For a minute, I believed I had a detached retina — I’ve had a floater for two years, and my ophthalmologist has told me to be on the lookout for changes in vision. I got things sorted and took my morning meds, but then five minutes later was not positive that I had indeed taken them or just meant to. . .   

I sat there awhile . . . because to get up from being seated on the floor, I need either a hand or some furniture to lean on, and found neither. I started to do a sowbug, roly-poly move that I’ve developed, where I roll to my side and push up off the ground, but instead I lay there, sad aged old misunderstood sowbug me. , .

Older age gives us the knowledge of how powerless we are — not helpless so much but with little control over life’s results. I don’t love this. You come to forks in the road where you think, I can’t bear this, I can’t do this, I can’t fix this; I see no reason for hope. Plus, what if Iran gets involved, and what if there’s a nuclear exchange, and what if this is the end? 

 She reminded me of Emily Dickinson's couplet I read in near the end of my eulogy at Tom's funeral:  "In this short Life that only lasts an hour /How much - how little - is within our power."  I looked her up on Wikipedia where the footnotes led me to articles about her and to bits of her writing on Goodreads, like:

“Perfectionism is the voice of the oppressor, the enemy of the people. It will keep you cramped and insane your whole life, and it is the main obstacle between you and a shitty first draft. I think perfectionism is based on the obsessive belief that if you run carefully enough, hitting each stepping-stone just right, you won't have to die. The truth is that you will die anyway and that a lot of people who aren't even looking at their feet are going to do a whole lot better than you, and have a lot more fun while they're doing it.”― Anne Lamott, Bird by Bird

which reminded me of my amateur drawings and paintings, my lack of training and skill, and my persisting nonetheless with the belief that anything worth doing is worth doing poorly.  If something is worth doing, it's worth doing even imperfectly, awkwardly, or clumsily.

Toward the end of her essay, Lamott wrote:

I have a number of close friends in their 80s whom I see regularly, some of them quite infirm. On bad days, they say angrily that old age sucks. This is part of the package. We stick together. Ram Dass said that ultimately we are all just walking each other home.

. . .

By 60 or so, you’ve had enough of participating in the Punch and Judy show of trying to get things to turn out the way you’re positive they should. You’ve learned to surrender. Otherwise, you’ll always be pissed off and exhausted, and that’s no way to live out whatever years you have left.

To which I say Amen. 

My FB posting today.

Every year at this time I think of my father and the thousands of other Marines on the troop ships stationed off the island of Iwo Jima, wondering whether they would be alive the next day, or the day after that, or the day after that.  Wondering whether my mother would be a 23-year-old widow, my sister and I fatherless.  Today I think of all the military and civilian victims of wars, the victors and the vanquished, the fighters and the families of the fighters, all casualties in one way or another of War and of our species' apparently ineradicable bloodlust.

5 Years Ago

Charles D. Clausen is remembering my father.

February 18, 2019  · 

Tomorrow is the 74th anniversary of the assault on the island fortress of Iwo Jima by my 23-year-old father and thousands of other Marines.  He was on the island for a month, returning to an offshore troop carrier on St.Patrick's Day.  He would never be the same as the young man who landed on February 19th, carrying his emotional and spiritual wounds throughout the rest of his life, until his death 61 years after the battle.  I think of him and of the thousands of other war veterans who carry hidden wounds throughout their lives.  I remember visiting Paris and riding on public conveyances with seats reserved for the "mutilés de guerre" disabled veterans.  How accurate it seems to think of these men and women in terms of mutilation, for mutilated they were and are.  Some gave all, all gave some.  Let's not forget them.

 

 


 

     


  

Saturday, February 17, 2024

2/17/24

 Saturday, February 17, 2024

In bed at 9, awake around 2:20, onto LZB, unable to sleep w/pain, up at 2:52.  12°, windy, high of 28, wind NW at 16 mph, 11-22/37.  Sunrise at 6:47, sunset at 5:25, 10+37.

Treadmill: pain,   Very bad wrist pain this a.m., bad shoulder, too.  Painful to type.  By 3:30 in the afternoon, the pain is still considerable, and I've done my physical therapy stretches, hoping they will decrease the pain.  So far, no such luck.  My left shoulder has been sending pain signals to me much like the right shoulder did weeks ago; it scares me with thoughts of losing the use of both arms.  Out of commission.  Giving up?

I'm grateful to be in our home, not outdoors, with the 21 mph wind and wind chill of 15°.  

 


Blue Lights.  We watched the last episodes of Season 1 of this exellent cops and robbers show set in Belfast, NI.

Friday, February 16, 2024

2/16/24

 Friday, February 16, 2024

In bed at 9, awake and up at 5:04.  Let Lilly out at 5:24.  22°, high of 29°, cloudy/partly cloudy day ahead.  Wind is NW at 8 mph, 7-17/22.  Sunrise at 6:48, sunset at 5:the23, 10+35.  Solar noon at 12:05, alt. 35°

Treadmill; pain.  Very bad wrist and hand pain; it Is painful this morning to type with all fingers, not only from the right wrist/hand/forearm pain but also from the bad left shoulder pain.   Another day off.  My bad 

I'm grateful that I posted these thoughts on FB a year ago today:  

February 16, 2023  · 

Every now and then I am blessed with the knowledge that I am living in Heaven, that this is it. that this is as good as it gets, and that this is heavenly.  I silently shout Hallelujah! and am grateful.  Sometimes I reach for my iPhone and take a photo of Geri on the sofa watching tv or knitting something for someone or studying something on her iPad with Lilly stretched out next to her or lying on the floor between us.  I take the photo because I know I am in Heaven and I suppose I can capture the moment in pixels, as if I could rekindle the momentary insight simply by looking at the photo.  I can't of course - pains, worries, or other distractions get in the way - but I am thankful for these moments when they come.  I had one this morning while making a pot of half-caf, half-decaf coffee, anticipating the coming snowstorm, grateful for the gift that my dear wife and life partner is,  and for my dog.

I needed to read this post again, and to re-experience this gratitude because I have been dealing with quite a bit of pain all day.  As usual, it is worse in the morning, but it's a problem all day: shoulder, wrist, pack, some CPP and RP.   


Is it racist to acknowledge the truth about urban gun violence?  David von Drehle's opinion piece in this morning's WaPo on the mass shooting after Kansas City's Super Bowl Parade  includes this: "The problem: young people, mostly boys, caught in a culture of violence, who use guns to settle their disputes."  What's missing?  The word "Black" in front of "boys."Years ago, news media outlets regularly provided the racial group of persons arrested for various crimes, at least when the person arrested was Black.  They often posted unflattering mug shots of Black arrestees.  A crescendo of opposition to these practices arose, claiming that the practices were racist and intended to instill fear of Black people, and the practice stopped.  Now the media has gone the other way, declining to mention race at all, sometimes even in descriptions of missing children.  Is it true that urban gun violence is overwhelmingly a Black phenomenon, indeed a matter of Black-on-Black crime?  This is not to say that gun violence does not occur in other minority communities, notably Hispanic, but only to point out that gun violence is commonplace in Black communities, communities in which gun ownership is also commonplace, usually because of fear of gun violence or of other crime.  In any event, it appears to be true that inner-city Black neighborhoods are saturated with guns.  My experience as a member of an inner-city parish for many years and as the manager of an inner-city community center confirms this belief.  Is it also true that White communities are saturated with guns?  It's hard to know.  It is generally accepted that there are more firearms in America than there are people so that, on average, every American owns 1.02 guns (or so).  Do my neighbors keep a gun in their homes?  My friends?  If they do, is it a long gun used for hunting or a handgun?  My hunch is that few of my neighbors or friends own handguns.  I suspect most don't own a hunting rifle or shotgun either, though I don't know.  In any case, the problem in the inner-city Black communities is not hunting rifles or shotguns; it is handguns and their easy availability to young men.

I make this point not to suggest that American Blacks are violent people, or criminally disposed, but rather to point out that our society has so far ignored the plight of our most-disfavored, most mistreated, poorest, least educated, most unemployed, most incarcerated minority that it is no surprise that its frustrated, hopeless, spiritually emasculated young men arm themselves and kill.  “I and the public know / What all schoolchildren learn, / Those to whom evil is done / Do evil in return.”

 I CAN'T CONTINUE OR COMPLETE THESE THOUGHTS B/C OF PERSISTENT PAIN.  I CAN'T THINK CLEARLY, AND COHERENTLY.



Thursday, February 15, 2024

2/15/24

 Thursday, February 15, 2024

In bed at 9:30, awake at 2:50, and up at 3:02 with a painful shoulder.  On the  LZB from 1:30 to 2:05 with my painful shoulder.  Let Lilly out.  33°, with heavy, slushy snow falling.   High of 37°, wind SE of the lake at 9 mph, 6-21/35, wind chills today between 13 and 32°°.  Winter weather advisory is in effect until 8 a.m.  Sunrise at 6:50, sunset at 5:22, 10+32.

Treadmill; pain.  Shoulder pain was a problem during the night; it had me on LZB and up at 3.  PT tomorrow.  Typing these entries is painful, both from the shoulder and the right wrist and hand.  I am semi-disabled by these conditions, not having a strong arm-hand tool on either side.  The wrist gets better with use during the day, but not the shoulder.  I'll see what the physical therapist has to say about the shoulder tomorrow, but I'm guessing I may end up getting a cortisone injection from the PM&R clinic.


The Newberry Library and "Bughouse Square"

I'm grateful for libraries, from the Hamilton Park Library, a childhood treasure trove, to the North Shore library that serves me now.  As I remember it, the Hamilton Park library was pretty small.  I suspect that it was actually smaller than I remember it.  The only book I distinctly recall getting there was a nonfiction work on the (in)famous bank robber Willie Sutton.  Perhaps it was his own work Where the Money Is, the title of which comes from the answer he apocryphally gave to the question of why he robbed banks - 'because that's where the money is.'  The library was housed in the park's fieldhouse which is probably no longer standing.  The fieldhouse also housed a gymnasium with a basketball court where some friends of mine and I played in a basketball league wearing the fancy uniforms bought for us by our team sponsor, the Mays Oldsmobile dealership in our Englewood neighborhood.  It also had a weight room and a trampoline, both of which I used.   In my senior year at Leo High School, my wonderful English teacher, Brother Coogan sent me on research assignments to the great private Newberry Libary downtown and to the library at the University of Chicago.   Great privileges, great challenges.   Years later, I attended a lecture there with Deirdre McChrystal Keenan on some aspects of Milton's poetry.  I didn't understand a thing that the lecturer said, but I enjoyed being in the Newberry again.  I don't recall being a library member when I lived in Virginia, Arizona, or Pennsylvania but, when I returned from active military duty, I was a regular customer of the Marquette Memorial Library and of course the Law Library, as well as the Milwaukee Central Library and the Golda Meir Library at UWM.  In Saukville, I used the Eastern Shores Library System headquartered in Sheboygan, getting books at the libraries in Saukville, Port Washington, Cedarburg, Mequon-Thiensville, and even  Sheboygan, which was quite a distance from Saukville.  When we moved back to Milwaukee County after my Dad died, we donated a great many books to the Saukville Library rather than packing them up and moving them again.  I came to regret parting with a number of those books, including among others William Manchester's The Arms of Krupp and James Carroll's Constantine's Sword, but of course, I have ready access to them simply by going to the library, for which I am most grateful.  

We were glued to TV most of the day watching the evidentiary hearing in Atlanta on the motion to disqualify Fani Willis from the little RICO case against DJT and his apparatchiks for election fraud.