7/9/24

 Tuesday, July 9, 2024

Lights out early but no luck falling asleep.  A nasty and unusual insomnia night, unable to sleep at the beginning of the cycle and no idea why.  I went to the YouTubeTV library and watched the first part of The Lord of the Flies and got to sleep sometime around 1 a.m., after letting Lilly out at about 12:30. I woke again at 2:30.  Watched the completion of Lord of the Flies, warmed up some borscht for breakfast.  At 8 o'clock I enjoyed cottage cheese with raspberries, blueberries, and blackberries, all delicious.  I was awake almost all night, getting maybe 2 hours of sleep.  I napped later in the morning.

Prednisone, day 58, 10 mg., day 1.   I took my 10 mg. pill at 5 with a bowl of borscht.    

Lord of the Flies. Watching this movie at 4 in the morning, I was struck by its relevance to what is happening now, and what has been happening for years, in America.  When a dispute arises about the danger of "ghosts" or "the beast" on the island, Ralph, the elected leader of the group says: "Let him speak.  He's got the conch."  Jack responds: "You shut up.  Who are you anyway, telling people what to do?  You can't hunt.  You can't sing."  Ralph replies: "I'm chief.  I was chosen."  Jack says: "Why should choosing make any difference?  Telling people what to do.  Favoring Piggy as you always do."  Ralph: "Piggy's got the conch.  Jack, Jack, you're breaking the rules!"  Jack says: "Who cares?  Ralph: "Because the rules are the only thing we've got."  Jack: "Bollocks to the rules.  We're strong.  We hunt. If there's a beast, we'll hunt him down and beat and beat."

One year ago today, I wondered: Cur scribo?  I often wonder.  Is this just some form of narcissism?  Is it just to have something to do while idling on my recliner?  Am I just using this exercise as a daily check on cognitive decline, a clue for creeping dementia?  Is it because I have so few interactions with other human beings, and so few friends that I have regular contact with?  Just a silent way of blowing off steam over the sorry state of the world and the U.S.'s deep polarization?  Am I trying to leave a record of having been alive the last days of my life, expecting that I could kick the bucket anytime now?  Is it, as I have long thought, just a very inadequate substitute for my daily morning chats with my beloved sister with whom I shared a relationship like no other?  Or is it what I suggested in an earlier journal entry, just the need to write, as in 'fish gotta swim, birds gotta fly, a writer gotta write'?  There was a fairly long period after my grandmother died in 1995 when I reestablished (or first established) communication with my father and I sent him a handwritten letter every day.  Trying to make up for lost time?  Or just trying to give him something to look forward to, because I knew he enjoyed receiving those letters?  And I enjoyed writing them, just as I enjoyed sending long, thoughtful text messages to Kitty all those mornings, for 5 or 6 years.  I kept sending her those morning messages well after she was no longer able to write back when she was in her last days, and even for a week or more after she died.  I didn't want to stop even though I knew she was not with me anymore.  A form of denial perhaps, but of course I knew she was gone and had been pre-grieving her loss long before she finally died.  Fish gotta swim.

"Don't underestimate Joe's ability to fuck things up."  I'm reading more essays on why Biden should pull out of the race, including from David Remnick (The Reckoning of Joe Biden) and Paul Krugman (Please, Mr. President, Do The Right Thing.)  Both argue that Biden is engaged in self-delusion and an act of national endangerment.  As a longtime un-fan of Biden, I perhaps should find some pleasure in seeing so many people recognizing his selfishness and many limitations, but I don't of course.  I'm as knocked about as most others at the unspeakably dangerous situation he, Trump, and the Republicans have created for the country, but I can't say I am surprised.  The second term is his cherry on top of the sundae, another prize like the Senate seat, the Dupont mansion, the Corvette, and the Alsatian wolfdogs.

Power tends to corrupt and absolute power corrupts absolutely. Great men are almost always bad men, even when they exercise influence and not authority: still more when you superadd the tendency or the certainty of corruption by authority. -Lord Acton

The object of power is power. —George Orwell, 1984

In order to obtain and hold power, a man must love it. —Leo Tolstoy

Power is the ultimate aphrodisiac. —Henry Kissinger

It is not in the nature of politics that the best men should be elected. The best men do not want to govern their fellowmen. - George MacDonald

News story:  Someone stole a Kia from a downtown parking lot while the owners were attending Summerfest.  The thieves crashed the Kia into a home in the Harambee neighborhood, destroying the two-story porch and making the house uninhabitable.  What caught my attention?  The fee for parking the car in the parking lot was $73!