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Friday, March 7, 2025

3/7/2025

Friday, March 7, 2025

D+120

1965 Alabama state troopers and 600 black protesters clashed in Selma during "Bloody Sunday," protester and future congressman John Lewis was beaten and hospitalized

In bed around 9:45, awake and up at 3:45 with thoughts like caged squirrels, minnows in the bait bucket.  Before retiring last night, I loaded the washing machine with napkins, including the ones soaked with water from my overfilling the humidifier.  31° outside, high of 38°, some snow expected around 1 p.m.

Prednisone, day 320; 4 mg, day 3/21; Kevzara, day 3/14. 2 mg. of prednisone at 5 a.m. and 4 p.m.  Other meds at 10 a.m.  Trulicity injection at 12:20 p.m.  

Old age and vulnerability.  I felt it yesterday helping Geri.  First, just walking along beside her through the garage,  from the car to the back door, and later, dealing with her ice/water machine that provides pain relief for her knee.  In each case, my lower back and hips,  my 'pelvic girdle'  were tight and iffy, my leg strength and balance were iffy, and I was close to falling, which would have created a hell of a pickle for Geri, who was in pretty rough shape herself after the 'manipulation.'  Every now and then, the thought pops into my mind whether all the knee surgery, 3 operations under general anesthesia in 8 months, was worth all that she has endured, but of course, I don't know how much pain, discomfort, and lack of functionality she was enduring before the first surgery.  In any case, it is, as they say, what it is, and we are where we are.  She will turn 81 next month, as I approach 84 next summer. Quo vaditis?  Quare vaditis?  Judica me, Deus, et discerne causam meam de gente non sancta: ab homine iniquo et doloso erue me.  Quia tu es, Deus, fortitudo mea: quare me repulisti? et quare tristis incedo, dum affligit me inimicus?  Emitte lucem tuam et veritatem tuam: ipsa me deduxerunt, et adduxerunt in montem sanctum tuum, et in tabernacula tua.  Introibo ad altare Dei.  Ad Deum, qui laaeificat iuventutem meum.  The things an old guy thinks about while waiting for the sun to appear, Psalm 43, prayers at the foot of the altar.  The photo is wall art in the waiting room at the Orthopedic Hospital.


Heather Cox Richardson, yesterday.  "This morning, Ted Hesson and Kristina Cooke of Reuters reported that the Trump administration is preparing to deport the 240,000 Ukrainians who fled Russia’s attacks on Ukraine and have temporary legal status in the United States. Foreign affairs journalist Olga Nesterova reminded Americans that “these people had to be completely financially independent, pay tax, pay all fees (around $2K) and have an affidavit from an American person to even come here.”   “This has nothing to do with strategic necessity or geopolitics,” Russia specialist Tom Nichols posted. “This is just cruelty to show [Russian president Vladimir] Putin he has a new American ally.”  

Lineage.   Robert Taft -> Barry Goldwater -> Ronald Reagan -> Newt Gingrich -> Tea Party -> Donald Trump -> ???

Wildcat is a 2024 film directed by Ethan Hawke and starring his daughter, Maya Hawke, about the life and work of Flannery O'Connor.  I watched it on OVID this afternoon, wanting to like it and enjoy it, but it wasn't to be.  I couldn't imagine Maya Hawke as O'Connor, at least as I envision her, nor Laura Linney as her mother.  The biographical line of the plot is interlaced with segments depicting various of her short stories, and the technique doesn't work well.



Caela, God bless her, came over after her Pilates session with some analgesic for Geri.  We had a nice chat, even about the wars in Gaza and Ukraine. 



Thursday, March 6, 2025

3/6/2025

 Thursday, March 6, 2025

D+119

2025 Geri's new knee "manipulation"

In bed at 9:45, awake at 4:05, and up at 4:15. Unrelated thoughts darting around my head like minnows in a bait bucket.  They make me think I should begin practicing mindfulness again, although I do it randomly now.  29° with a wind chill of 10°.


Prednisone, day 319; 4 mg., day 2/21; Kevzara, day 2/14,  2 mg. of prednisone at 4:50 a.m. and  5 p.m.  Other meds at 9:50 a.m.

My Facebook posting today, re the VA.

Doug Collins is a Southern Baptist minister, a former Republican congressman from Georgia, and Donald Trump’s appointee as Secretary of Veterans Affairs.  He has confirmed that the VA plans to cut 72,000 employees   He has assured the country, and its 16 million military veterans, that these cuts will not affect the core mission of the VA which is, as Abraham Lincoln put it in his 1865 Second Inaugural Address, basically “to provide for him who shall have borne the battle, and for his widow and his orphan.”  

The majority of American veterans served during the Vietnam Era, from 1964 to 1975.  Nine million Americans served on active duty during that period, and 2.7 million served in Vietnam.  I was one of them.  Another almost 700,000 served in the Southeast Asia Theater during the war (in Laos, Cambodia, flight crews in Thailand, and naval personnel in the South China Sea.)   Almost 7,500 women, 84% of them nurses, served in Vietnam.  We comprised almost 10% of our generation.  Peak strength in Vietnam itself was almost 550,000, in April 1968.

More than 58,000 died in Vietnam during the war.  61% were younger than 21.  11,465 were teenagers.  17, 539 were married men.  More than 47,000 deaths were the result of hostile combat.  Almost 11,000 were from other causes, e.g., accidents, disease, and suicides.)  75,000 were severely disabled, about 1/3r of them 100% disabled.  More than 5,000 lost limbs and almost 1100 suffered multiple amputations.  2,338 of the Vietnam service members became MIAs, missing in action.  Two of them were friends of mine, Jay Trembley, a Marquette classmate and Navy pilot, and Bill Mullen, a Marine pilot.  Jay’s remains were eventually repatriated from China.  To the best of my knowledge, Bill’s never were recovered from Laos, where he was shot down.  After the war, countless thousands of the veterans experienced long-term deleterious physical, mental, emotional, or spiritual effects from their service.

To some, perhaps most, these statistics are just numbers, but if they were to spend any time at the VA Medical Center at 5000 W. National Avenue in Milwaukee, they would see some of these numbers incarnated.  Some are in wheelchairs, some with walkers, some missing limbs, some tended by loved ones or caretakers, others showing no visible signs of their service but carrying indelible memories and sharing a bond with their fellow vets whose evidences of service are more visible.   These old men and women, still living spectres from that largely forgotten era, are the people who will be affected by the cuts that Donald Trump (whose “bone spurs” kept him from service), Elon Musk, and Doug Collins propose to make in VA staffing levels. 

In his video statement, Collins said “Our goal is to reduce VA employment levels to 2019 in strength numbers, roughly 398,000 employees, from our current level of approximately 470,000 employees. Now that’s in a 15 percent decrease. We’re going to accomplish this without making cuts to health care or benefits to veterans and VA beneficiaries.”  Collins’s statement came after The Associated Press reported on an internal VA memo describing plans to cut 80,000 jobs as part of an “aggressive” reorganization of the agency this summer.

I can’t “get into the weeds” of where or how the cuts will be made; none of that information is public yet.  I do wish to state however that Republicans have long wanted to privatize the VA, viewing it as a dangerous example of “socialized medicine,” i.e., government financed and managed health care.  It is dangerous not because the health care is inadequate or substandard (indeed the opposite is true), but because its beneficiaries, its customers if you will, are very happy with it.  Satisfied.  Pleased and even grateful.  Such a state of affairs is anathema to those who embrace Ronald Reagan’s view that “Government as not the solution to the problem, government is the problem.”  So I state bluntly that the goal of the proposed cuts to the VA’s workforce is precisely to make the fulfillment of its mission and its motto “to care for him who shall have borne the battle,” impossible to accomplish in a way that meets the needs of Lincoln’s intended beneficiaries, the veterans.  

Lest anyone who has had to patience to read this thinks I am just ‘blowing smoke’ and defending a bloated bureaucracy, I attach a copy of letter I wrote last Thanksgiving to the leaders of the VA Medical Center here in Milwaukee.

November 28, 2024

Thanksgiving Day

James D. McLain         Andreea Anton, M.D.

Executive Director         Chief of Staff

VA Milwaukee Medical Health Care VA Milwaukee Medical Health Care

Zablocki VA Medical Center Zablocki VA Medical Center

5000 West National Avenue 5000 West National Avenue

Milwaukee, WI 53295-1000 Milwaukee, WI 53295-1000


Dear Director McLain and Dr. Anton:

I have been receiving medical care from the providers and staff at the Zablocki Medical Center since 2017.  I am an 83 year old former Marine and Vietnam veteran.  I did not enroll in the VA medical program until I was 76 years old because I had some skepticism about the program and I had good health care from local private providers.  

I write to tell you that I regret having waited so long to enroll in the VA program.  It would be hard for me to overstate how grateful I have been for the highly professional care I have received not only from my primary care physician and the staff in the Gold Clinic, but also in the many specialized clinics within the Medical Center.  It is hard for me to imagine receiving superior care anywhere else, though my long experience with private providers in the Milwaukee was, on the whole, excellent.  I needn’t tell either of you what a great group of health care providers you have at Zablocki but I want to put my appreciation in writing, ‘on the record’, and, by copies of this letter, to personally thank at least some of the many professionals who have helped me over the last 8 years.  

I am assigned to the Gold Clinic where my primary care physician for the last 6  years has been  Doctor Kumkum Chattopadhyay.  I have also received much help from nurse Kim Kitzke , pharmacist Jill Hansen, and from staff member Verniece  Bearden and others.

I have also received much help from the therapists and staff members of the Outpatient Physical Therapy Clinic, from the doctors, nurses, and staff of the Physical Medicine & Rehab Clinic, from the Urology Clinic, the Dermatology Clinic, the Audiology Clinic, the Eye Clinic, the Pain Clinic, the Prosthetics Department, the Whole Health Program, the Rheumatology Clinic, and the Emergency Department.  This list is not complete.   I know I haven’t exhausted the resources of the Medical Center, but I sure have taken advantage of many of them over the last 8 years and I am grateful to all of them.

I especially want to mention another aspect of receiving help at Zablocki, an aspect that has been every bit as important to me as the professional care I have received.  There is a spirit at this Medical Center that is unlike that at any other private or public hospital, medical center, or clinic where I have been a patient.  I know I won’t succeed in putting it into words and I want to avoid getting maudlin about it, but I feel the spirit each time I come in for an appointment.  There is a sense of kinship or fellowship with the other patients I encounter.  It comes from the fact that all of us are military service veterans.  I usually drive in from the Mitchell Boulevard entrance.  I drive through the National Cemetery looking at the thousands of headstones, all the same size and shape, none larger than any other based on rank, length of service, or decorations earned.  I drive through the historic Soldiers Home campus to arrive at Zablocki where I see so many vets, most of us but not all old, many of us in some stage of decrepitude.  Some are missing limbs.  Some are in wheelchairs, or are holding onto walkers.  Some are carrying wounds no one can see.  They were all young once and for a time  wore a uniform.  None was above serving, some in the worst of circumstances.  Sometimes we talk with one another in an elevator or in a waiting room, other times we don’t.  We sit quietly and await our turn.  But when I see someone needing help with anything, I always see one or more  of the other vets offer to help.  It’s an unusual visit when I don’t see some act of kindness in the corridors, elevators, and waiting rooms.

The main point of my letter is this: I believe that the spirit of good will at Zablocki is due in very large measure to the generally welcoming and caring treatment the vets receive from the health care providers and staff at the Medical Center.  If Zablocki had a different spirit, if we patients were made to feel like numbers processed through an indifferent government bureaucracy, the spirit in the elevators and waiting rooms would be very different.  In the military, it’s called morale and anyone who has served in a unit with bad morale knows that it drags everybody down.  The opposite is true here.  So I say thank you to each of the hundreds of Zablocki workers who  have smiled at me in the corridors, who have asked if he or she could help me find my destination, who have asked me whether I could use a wheelchair when I arrive, who have been patient with me when I am confused or troubled about something, or who have otherwise been kind to me and to the thousands of other vets who regularly rely on all of you at the Zablocki VA Medical Center.

I am an old guy feeling older every day and I’m not a Pollyanna.  I know there are occasional problems at Zablocki, some misunderstandings, some employee and management problems, some patient problems, and some bad days.  But I have had many hundreds of encounters with  Zablocki workers, professional and otherwise, over the last 8 years and I am thankful that the overwhelming majority of those encounters have been positive and spirit-lifting.  I’m grateful for that and thankful to all those who have eased and enriched my life and the lives of so many other veterans.  Thank you to all of them.

Sincerely,

Charles D. Clausen

Exchange of texts with KAT:  KAT:  Hi Uncle Chuck.  Is AG’s procedure done?  How is she doing?  Me: Hi, Sweetie.  We just got back and got her set up on the sofa with her cold leg wrap.  It’s been a painful experience, more than she expected.  Now she has to urinate by midnight or I have to take her to the ER.  She has physical therapy tomorrow at 11:15, and has to do PT over the weekend, assuming she is able.  She just vomited so it’s been a rough ride. KAT: 🙁❤️

Looking at a chair in the waiting room at the Orthopedic Hospital 

I think of the reality that every single thing and person has a story of connection with the rest of the universe.  The wooden armrest on the chair was crafted by someone who followed a design made by someone else using tools designed and crafted by yet more people in order to satisfy the need of someone out in a community.  It was made from the interior of a tree that grew from the soil beneath it which supplied it with the water and mineral nutrients that its wood, bark, and leaves needed to sustain its life and to grow to a size sufficient to provide beautiful and strong wood that could be used for the construction of a chair which sits in a waiting room of a hospital in Glendale Wisconsin which is warmed by the same sun whose energy powered the photosynthesis that sustained the tree, consumed carbon dioxide, and provided oxygen to people who conceive of, design, craft, sell, and deliver waiting room furniture to hospitals that provide health care to some people and a waiting room for others who need a place to sit and rest while nervously waiting for a loved one and seeking distraction thinking about how we are all connected with one another and with the universe. 

Sharon, God bless her, came over with some analgesic for Geri.

Wednesday, March 5, 2025

3/5/2025

 Wednesday, March 5, 2025

D+118

1927 1,000 US marines landed in China to protect American property

1933 Nazis won 43.9% of the vote in the Reichstag elections

1963  Patsy Cllne died in a plane crash with 

In bed at 9:45 and up at 3:30 to do a full load of laundry. 39° outside with a Wind Advisory for today: wind gusts of 45 to 50 mph, projected high of 42°.  I'm hoping our recycling cart doesn't blow into the swale again.   Kitty's yahrzeit candle is still burning; I'll blow it out at sunrise.  (Except I ended up going back to bed and sleeping most of the morning, getting up at 11 a.m.)

Prednisone, day 318, 4 mg., day 1; Kevzara, day 1/14.  2 mg. of prednisone at 4:20 a.m. and 4:15 p.m.  Other meds at 11:15 a.m.     

Fulguration one year ago today, 'manipulation' tomorrow. My procedure was successful, though unpleasant.  After the general anesthesia, I regained consciousness in recovery with a painful nostril from whatever it was the doctor put in it or throgh it and a bad case of shivering.  It reminds me a bit of the last fulguration I  underwent at the Rawson Avenue Surgical Center with Dr. Silbar and some anesthesiologist several years before this one.  I arrived on a Monday morning for that procedure in intense, actually excruciating pain nd had to wait quite a while because the facility's oxygen tanks had leaked over the weekend, and the anesthesiologist wasn't willing to proceed without oxygen being available if needed.  He and Silbar gave me nothing for the pain I was experiencing pre-op, and when I 'came to' in the recovery room, I was on a morphine drip with a nurse sitting next to my gurney, monitoring my blood pressure and controlling the drip.  I was in considerable pain for a while and had no control over my left arm, which was flailing in the air.  A thoroughly awful experience, after which I saw Silbar for one post-op appointment and then stopped seeing him.  When I asked him why I was in such pain after the procedure and required the morphine, he said he didn't know.  It could have been insufficient anesthesia, he said, or the anesthesiologist would probably say he, Silbar, burned too deeply into the bladder lining.  Unbelievable.  When the young urologist at Zablocki asked me before the cystoscopy that revealed the lesions whether I wanted him to fulgurate them - without anesthesia - I was almost stunned. I said no because of my last experience with Dr. Silbar.  I still can't understand what happened then or why, if anesthesia isn't necessary for a fulguration, I had had anesthesia for my 3 prior procedures and the docs at Zablocki were willing to provide it to me simply on my request.  My medical mystery.  In any event, Geri's 'manipulation' tomorrow will be performed with a local anesthesia, not a general, and I am hopeful it will not be a painful experience for her, during it or afterward.  She's had more than enough pain during the last year.  Her knee pain started in April of last year, leading to 3 surgeries and tomorrow's procedure.'

A lethargic day.  Gray skies, rain, sleet, wet snow, brisk wind from the northwest.  I went to Metro Market and got some Mory's salmon for dinner, with some fresh green beans and the last of the pączki, raspberry stuffed. A six-pack.  I ate the last of my cauliflower bacon soup so I could use the screw-top container it was in for my sweet-sour cabbage borscht.  I watched the rest of Sometimes I Think About Dying on MUBI, an unusual film about Fran Larsen, a young woman with social anxiety.  She makes some progress breaking through it because of her relationship with a new co-worker, Robert, who becomes her boyfriend.  It's a mighty slow-moving flick and not terribly interesting because all we ever learn about Fran is the fact of her social anxiety, her sense of her own uninterestingness, her loneliness, and her subdued desire to break out of it.  It's one of the many, many films I've watched that cause me to wonder what it was about the screenplay that got investors to put up the money to make it.  That said, I'm glad that I watched it.  It reminded me of some lonely, self-deprecating or self-effacing days in my life when everyone but me seemed to have some vivacity and reason for living.  Daisy Ridley played Fran in a role in which she barely ever displayed any emotion, except for one scene in which she cried after saying something mean to Robert.

The State of the Union or whatever Trump's speech is called.  We chose not to watch Trump's speech live last night because we didn't want to do that to ourselves right before bedtime. As I write this, it's 5:30 a.m., and I'm wondering whether to watch "Morning Joe" or to read the newspapers.  . . Now it's 4:45 in the afternoon.  I ended up checking out the Times and the Post, quick reads, and then tuning in for a while to Morning Joe and found out the speech was one hour and 49 minutes long, a record, and that it was full of lies, hyperboles, narcissitic self-adulation, and deprecations of Democrats and especially of Joe Biden, whom Trum just can never forgive for having made him a loser of the 2020 election.  His father ingrained in him that the world is made up of only two categories of people, winners and losers, and he should never be a loser.  He is so clearly a profoundly wounded, inadequate, insecure, and pathetically needy human being that I know I should feel sorry for him, but I can't get past his great nastiness and wickedness, his not just willingness to hurt other people but desire to do so.  He's a criminal, a fraud, a con man,  a delusional and malignant human being who is leading the nation into great harm.  Also, a victim of and practitioner of toxic masculinity.  I truly wonder if he is a Russian agent, if Putin does 'have something on him.'  What makes me even sicker than watching Trump at work is watching every Republican legislator in the chamber on their feet cheering him on, each mostly concerned with his or her own seat, claim to fame, and hold on some power.  Worse yet is the realization that my fellow citizens, fellow human beings, elected these people and put them into positions of power.  "We have met the enemy, and he is us." Pogo. 

"Nip the shoots of arbitrary power in the bud, is the only maxim which can ever preserve the liberties of any people. When the people give way, their deceivers, betrayers, and destroyers press upon them so fast, that there is no resisting afterwards. The nature of the encroachment upon the American constitution is such, as to grow every day more and more encroaching. Like a cancer, it eats faster and faster every hour. The revenue creates pensioners, and the pensioners urge for more revenue. The people grow less steady, spirited, and virtuous, the seekers more numerous and more corrupt, and every day increases the circles of their dependents and expectants, until virtue, integrity, public spirit, simplicity, and frugality, become the objects of ridicule and scorn, and vanity, luxury, foppery, selfishness, meanness, and downright venality swallow up the whole society."  John Adams





Tuesday, March 4, 2025

3/4/2025

 Tuesday, March 4, 2025

D+117

1865 Abraham Lincoln was inaugurated for his 2nd term as US President. The man who would assassinate him weeks later, John Wilkes Booth, was photographed attending the inauguration.

1911 Victor Berger (Wisc) became the 1st socialist congressman in the US

In bed at 10:15, and awake at 4 a.m. with a low glucose alert, half-asleep until 5:05 when I got up, thinking of 'Ol' Man River,'' 'body all achin' and racked wid pain.'  I lit Kitty's yahrzeit candle a day late.  
  

Prednisone, day 317, 5 mg., day 28, Kevzara, day 1/14.   prednisone at 5:20 a.m. and 4:30 p.m.  Other meds at miday. My 1 mg. prednisone pills arrived this afternoon and I'll start them tomorrow, 4 mg. per day, IF I can open the incredibly difficult container.  I may have to resort to the blacksmith hammer.

Telephone conference with Kevzara pharmacist Mary Jo for more than 1/2 hour this afternoon.  It was almost all duplicative of what Dr. Ryzka told me and what I knew already from 2 prior injections.


Sweet-sour cabbage borscht.  I spent a good part of the afternoon making the borscht.  It made me wonder if it's worth the time and effort, but I don't know where I could buy this soup if I weren't making it myself.  I'm missing Sy's Deli at 15th and Wells, where I was introduced to it.  It's long gone as part of Marquette's urban renewal and "progress", along with the Abbot Crest lunchroom, Dal's hamburgers, the University Store on Wisconsin and 12th Street, Joe's Barber Shop nest to the Union, the butcher shop on Wells Street, Bob Callahan's bar on Clybourn Avenue, the Stratford bar, and much more.

From last year's journal on this date:

 A year ago today I blew out Kitty's Yahrzeit candle and noted that its flame was small and steady.  I reflected that it was like Kitty herself who went through life quietly and unobtrusively, never seeking attention for herself but spreading quiet goodness wherever she went.  Those who were quietly blessed by her goodness included many family members, including our aunt-by-marriage, Mary Horgan, widow of our Uncle Bud, who lived with and was cared for by Kitty for decades after Bud's death, her sister-in-law Jerry Reck, whom Kitty took into her home and cared for in the last years of Jerry's life, our father who lived with and was cared for by Kitty during the last few years of his life, Jim Reck's niece Mary, who suffered so much during her life and had a second home with Kitty during much of her last years, and of course me, her brother, of whom she unwaveringly thought so much, though I didn't deserve it.  But she didn't restrict sharing her goodness and love to family members.  She deprecated herself as "just the cleaning lady" for the many elderly families she served, but for all or almost all of them she became a trusted friend, for some almost a family member.  Their children who lived out of state had Kitty's cell phone number and would regularly call her to check on their parents.  Her elderly clients loved and trusted Kitty and so did their children, and for good reasons.   There were also all those people she helped over the years as a volunteer in the St. Vincent de Paul Society, the homeless people she helped feed at André House in downtown Phoenix, and all the children and parents she helped every year in her Christmas Adopt-a-Family program.  On my visits, I saw her on the telephone for hours with the giving and receiving folks in the Christmas program.  I accompanied her on food distribution circuits for SVDP and volunteered with her (and her daughter Chrissie) at André House.  She sought no credit for any of her good works.  She did them because they needed to be done and she could do them.  It was all "out of the goodness of her heart."  If ever there was a saint, one who lived the life called for in Matthew 25:31-46, it was St. Kitty. 

I'm grateful for candles. I blew out Kitty's Yahrzeit candle at 4:10 this morning but I have her in mind today, with thankfulness.  A few years ago, when Kitty's insomnia seemed worse than usual, I sent her a red votive candle holder and a box of votive candles.  I asked her to light a candle when she was up all alone in the middle of the night, sitting in their spare bedroom she called my bedroom, and let the candle remind you that your brother is with you.  Later I bought a red holder for myself and my own box of candles and I would light my candle before daybreak when I was up alone, usually texting with her.  I think of that as my "Kitty candle" and I always think of her when I see it or light it.  Candles are big in Catholic culture, including the Irish Catholic culture in which we grew up.  Catholic churches always had at least one wrought iron rack of votive lights in red holders somewhere in the church along with waxed wicks for lighting them and a depository for offerings.  "I'll light a candle for you" was a way of saying I'll be praying for you.  Lighting a candle was also a traditional way of praying for the 'dearly departed' or for praying for God's intercession in a time of danger or need.  I suppose those little candles burning in the sanctified space of the church long after the offering churchgoer was gone was a way of symbolizing the continuation of the precatory prayer after the offeror had left the church.

Whatever the symbolism, I always liked those rows of votive lights in the church and liked to light them for whatever reason.  When I was an altar boy in 6th, 7th, and 8th grade at St. Leo Grammar School one of my duties was to light the candles on the main alter before mass, one candle on each side of the tabernacle for a 'low mass,' 3 on either side for a 'high mass.'  There is, or perhaps now I should say 'was', a large body of regulatory church law on the number of candles to be used for low masses, high masses, solemn high masses, pontifical masses, 40-hour devotions, benedictions, and eucharistic adorations.  Those regulations are, or were, just a small part of the legalistic, spirit-killing, formalism that led and still leads so many people to reject traditional Catholicism.  They are part and parcel with customs and regulations that have priests wearing chasubles, albs, cinctures, and stoles, that have bishops wearing silly-looking miters and carrying croziers or shepherd's crooks, and wearing very expensive different colored vestments for different liturgical seasons  Many religionists eat that stuff up; others are repelled by it.  But as it is often said, you can take the boy out of the Church, but you can't take the Church out of the boy.  I still 'light a candle' for my dear sister.


      

Monday, March 3, 2025

3/3/2025

 Monday, March 3, 2025

D+116

A day of profound losses

2020 Super Tuesday revived Joe Biden's campaign as he won nine states, while Bernie Sanders won four, including California

2022 Catherine Monica Clausen Reck, 8/19/1944 - 3/3/2022

In bed by 9:15 and up at 4:45. 28° outside, with a wind chill of 22°.  

Prednisone, day 316, 5 mg., day 27, Kevzara, day 13/14.  2.5 mg. prednisone at 4:55  a.m. and 3:15 p.m.  Other meds at 7:40 a.m., and it appears I forgot to take my other meds yesterday.

Kitty Anniversary.   It's been 3 years since Kitty died, leaving holes in the lives of her husband, her daughter, her son, her many friends, and me.  I have been so fortunate to have had such good, strong women in my life: my mother, my sister, and my wife.  I haven't deserved any of them but have been blessed by all of them.  There have been many times that I have thought that perhaps belief in a God derives simply from the emotional need at times to say "thank you" to Someone for undeserved blessings in life, what Catholics call "grace."  The simplest and greatest prayers: 'Thank you' and 'I'm sorry.'

IV

My fiftieth year had come and gone,

I sat, a solitary man,

In a crowded London shop,

An open book and empty cup

On the marble table-top.

While on the shop and street I gazed

My body of a sudden blazed;

And twenty minutes more or less

It seemed, so great my happiness,

That I was blessed and could bless.


V

Although the summer Sunlight gild

Cloudy leafage of the sky,

Or wintry moonlight sink the field

In storm-scattered intricacy,

I cannot look thereon,

Responsibility so weighs me down.


Things said or done long years ago,

Or things I did not do or say

But thought that I might say or do,

Weigh me down, and not a day

But something is recalled,

My conscience or my vanity appalled.

Thank You.  I'm so sorry.

Further thoughts on yesterday's post.    I ran out of available time to complete my thinkingg about that time of loss in my life, around 2003 when I left the House of Peace and Father Matthew, and the St. Francis community, including Hattie and the children, Troy Major, Fathers Niles, Paul, and Bob,, the St. Michael's connection and many others in the inner city, and our condo in the Knickerboker in that beauriful neighborhood that I had loved since 1963, 'Downtown East.'  It was that time when I truly retired from so much that had filled and enriched my life after I left the law school.  There were reasons for leaving the HOP and the Church, and they both related to the explosive revelations about clerical sexual abuse of children and the long complicity of the hierarchy.  In January 2002, the Boston Globe blew the lid off the Church's long-term practice of shielding priests who were pedophile predators from law enforcement and from public knowledge.  Bishops and their "vicars", or assistants, moved pedophiles from parishes or other ministries where the crimes were committed to other parishes or ministries, without informing the new ministries of the priest's prior 'problems.'    Once the Globe exposed the extent of the Church's crimes in Boston, disclosures followed disclosures in diocese after diocese, nation after nation.  To those of us "raised in the bosom of the Church," it was shocking, stunning, and faith-shattering (if you were truly faithful to begin with).  I worked in a very public ministry of an order of Catholic priests and brothers.  I should have been discrete in my comments about the scandal, but I wasn't.  I was later to learn that the two priests who resided at the HOP had some or, in the case of one, much involvement in the problem of religious misconduct.  I wrote about my friend Father Matthew in my journal entry on February 10th of this year.  The other resident priest was Al Veik, who was "Vicar for Religious" for Milwaukee's archbishop. I later learned that prominent among his duties was dealing with priests, brothers, and nuns with serious sexual problems.   At morning coffees after mass, he would occasionally disparage the Milwaukee Journal reporter who reported the archdiocese's coverups of priestly sexual abuses.  Once I was so candid about my view of the pedophile scandal, my days at the HOP were numbered.  I had become a persona non grata.  My multiple inquiries about future plans for the ministry were met by rude silence from the head of the province, Brother Bob Smith, and it soon became clear that I had to resign.  I stayed on until my successor arrived a couple of months later, Brother Mark Carrico, who was a licensed psychologist.  Brother Mark eventually resigned to devote his efforts full time to counseling members of the orders with psychological problems, including, of course, sexual problems.  Once my connection with the Capuchins at the HOP was severed, I also stopped attending mass at St. Francis and thus severed my connection with that community as well.    I had never been much of a believer to begin with, stuff like "the Real Presence," the ability of priests to forgive sins, the infallability of the Pope, virgin birth and the Assumption of Mary, and of course the big one: God as an All-Knowing, All-Loving, All-Powerful Father who bears no responsibilty for all the pain and suffering on earth.  That's on us.  I was, at best, a "cafeteria Catholic" who believed in the Good Shepherd, the Good Samaritan, love and forgive your neighbor, lama sabachthani, and Matthew 25:31-46.  In any event, 2003 was a turning point in my life.  We closed on our house outside Saukville on December 12th of that year, and instead of focusing much of my life on helping folks in the inner city, I lived in the counry and volunteered as a horse-handler in 'hippotherapy' sites in horse stables in Walworth and northern Ozaukee counties, and in various activities at Riveredge Nature Center.  Eventually, I became too hobbled with pain conditions and physical problems to engage in those activities, and I became something of a lump, seated in my recliner, writing in this journal, à la recherche du temps perdu.



A headline that brought a smile to my face this morning:  In this morning's NY Times: "Are the Giants Crazy Enough to Sign Aaron Rodgers?"  

Headlines that made me shudder or want to cry.  WaPo: "Washington now ‘largely aligns’ with Moscow’s vision, Kremlin says",  "Trump’s opponents see a sweeping crackdown on free speech", and "Wisconsin Supreme Court race puts Trump and Musk at center stage: The contest that will decide the political tilt of the swing state’s highest court is likely to be the most expensive state court race in U.S. history."  NY Times: "Can the Media’s Right to Pursue the Powerful Survive a Second Trump Term? New York Times v. Sullivan and other landmark Supreme Court decisions protect the press, but a growing right-wing movement seeks to overturn them".


Sunday, March 2, 2025

3/2/2025

 Sunday, March 2, 2025

D+115

In bed at 9:15 and up at 5:20!!!. 17° outside, wind chill of 3°, and "I Don't Know Enough About You" perseverating in my head.   

Prednisone, day 315, 5 mg., day 26, Kevzara, day 12/14.  2.5 prednisone at 5:30 a.m. and 6:40 p.m.  Other meds at   .   

The St. Francis church van & regular passengers.  I'm the one looking like a stray white marshmallow mixed in with a bag of colored ones.  Next to me is my dear friend till he died, Roland Wright.  On the right is Miss Willie Grant.  Next to her is Tiffany Clayton and her mother, Hattie.  In the front row are her other children, with Chrystal on the left.

Mississippi Marsala and St. Francis.  Last night, we watched the 1992 film Mississippi Marsala, or I should say Geri watched it, and I saw pieces of it between dozing off in the recliner and cleaning up the kitchen after our dinner of macaroni and cheese and a salad.  I should watch the entire film, which is about racism in Uganda and America and interracial marriage.  The story's main setting is Greenwood, Mississippi, but it also has a scene in Indianola, MS, 30 miles down the road.  The references to Indianola reminded me of an old friend of mine, Willie Mae Grant, an elderly Black woman who lived in an apartment at 27th and Highland.  Willie was the aunt of another friend of mine, Hattie Clayton, who lived in a rented house on 7th Street, across from Messmer High School.   Hattie had 6 children: Tiffany, Chrystal, Kelly, Brian, Lovie, and the one who was dearest to me and whose name I can't recall.  I knew Willie, Hattie, and the children because we all attended St. Francis of Assisi Church at 4th and Brown Streets, a Capuchin Franciscan parish.  I was a member of the parish for only 6 years or so, at a time in my life when I felt drawn back to my Catholic roots by what?  nostalgia?  spiritual yearning or loneliness?  curiosity?  whatever.  In any case, I became a member of the Parish Council, a friend of the parish priests Niles and Paul, and every Sunday morning and Holy Day of Obligation, the driver of the church van, picking up and dropping off parishioners who didn't own a car or have other transportation, including Willie and Hattie and her children.  Willie was from Indianola, Mississippi.  She was the slowest talking person I have ever met.  When she took her seat in the van and said "Good morning, Charles," it seemed that a full minute elapsed between the "Good" and the "Charles."  (At St. Francis, I was known as "Charles," never "Chuck.")  Hattie's roots were also in Indianola.  I have a pretty clear memory of how I became the regular van driver when other volunteers turned out to be unreliable, but I have no memory of how I stopped or who picked up the service.  Ir must have been connected with my leaving the House of Peace, St. Francis parish, and the Church, but that's another story.  

In any event, what I remember most about Miss Willie, besides her slow drawl, was attending with her the funeral of Country Supervisor Terrence Pitts at St. Mark AME Church at 16th and Atkinson in December 1995.  I knew Terry Pitts from the years when I represented Milwaukee County Executive Bill O'Donnell in his various disputes with the County Board.  I wrote an opinion letter for Bill that Pitts excoriated in the press, suggesting I was incompetent, a hack.   Terry's funeral service lasted more than 3 hours, with all sorts of eulogies and politicking, but Miss Willie and I departed with our full bladders at the 3-hour mark.

My connections with Hattie and her children were much more extensive and stronger.  I became almost a member of her family.  Indeed, I was godfather to baby Lovie and almost an uncle to the other children.  I provided Hattie with financial help on occasion and provided other help.  I had a good relationship with Brian, the only boy in the family, who had an on-again, off-again relationship with his father, who never married Harttie.  Indeed, none of Hattie's children's fathers married her.  Tiffany's father maintained some sort of relationship with her, but no child support.  I don't know that any of the 3 or 4 fathers provided child support or were much of a presence in their children's lives.  I believe that for several years,  I was the most regular, supporting, male presence in the family's life.  I broke away from the family when both Tiffany and Hattie got pregnant.  Tiffany was 17 and still a student at North Division High School.  She got pregnant intentionally because her unmarried cousin (whose mother was one of my irregular Sunday van passengers) got pregnant and Tiffany wanted a baby of her own.  She said her boyfriend loved her and would help take care of the baby but, what a surprise, her boyfriend lost interest in her as her girth expanded.  Hattie's pregnancy resulted in her 7th child, a brother for Brian.  Those two pregnancies, each with no responsible father in the picture, were too much for me.  I foresaw Chrystal and Kelly getting pregnant in their turns and again, probably with no responsible father in sight.  I couldn't understand the reasoning that so casually brought new babies into existence with hardly any means to support them and, selfishly, I saw years ahead of their relying on me to come to their assistance during times of need.  I distanced myself from the family, literally as Geri and I moved to Saukville, and emotionally.  This distancing all coincided roughly with my leaving the House of Peace and St. Francis parish and, as I look back on that time, I realize what a tumultuous time it was and a time of personal loss.  Hattie and her children, Miss Grant, and many other parishioners at St. Francis were friends; they were important to me.  Being a member of that community was important to me.  I hope to take up these thoughts tomorrow.   


 

Saturday, March 1, 2025

3/1/2025

Saturday, March 1, 2025

D+114

743 The Council at Estinnes decreed that Christian slaves could not be owned by Jews, fearing that the slaves might convert to Judaism

1562 Blood bath at Vassy: Francois de Guise's troops open fire on Huguenot congregation, first event in Wars of Religion

1692 Sarah Goode, Sarah Osborne, and Tituba were interrogated after accusations that they were practitioners of witchcraft in Salem, Massachusetts Bay Colony

1845  President John Tyler signed a resolution annexing the Republic of Texas

1872 Yellowstone became the world's first national park

1953 Joseph Stalin suffered a stroke and collapsed. He died four days later.

1954 4 Puerto Ricans opened fire in the House of Representatives, injuring 5 members

1955 An Israeli assault on Gaza killed 48

1958 Samuel Alphonsus Stritch was appointed Pro-Prefect of the Propagation of Faith and thus became the first American member of the Roman Curia

1970 The end of US commercial whale hunting

1982, The New York Times raised its price from 25 cents to 30 cents

1985 The Pentagon accepted the theory that an atomic war would cause a nuclear winter

2014  President Barack Obama warned Russian President Vladimir Putin over involvement in Ukraine

2016 Forbes Richest List was released with Bill Gates No. 1 with $75 billion and the  number of the world's billionaires dropped to 1,810

2022 US President Joe Biden, in his State of the Union address, said Vladimir Putin has "badly miscalculated" by invading Ukraine 


In bed at 9:15, awake at 5:00, and up at 5:10. 18° outside with a wind chill of -3°, March coming in like a lion. 

Prednisone, day 314, 5 mg., day 25, Kevzara, day 11/14.  2.5 mg prednisone at 5:20 a/m and 5 p.m.  Other meds at   .

À la recherche du temps perdu.  I started the day printing the last two days of journal entries, thinking that perhaps I make these daily efforts simply as "proof of life,' proof that I am alive despite my relative reclusiveness, inactivity, and diminishing number of friends.  Kidnappers and hostage-takers are usually required to provide proof that their captive is alive before their ransom or other demand is met.  Perhaps I write in a journal to remind myself that I am still alive.  I had this thought as I lit my Kitty candle and thought that I am 2 days away from the 3rd anniversary of her death, the remembrance of which stops me in my tracks as I type these words.  In her last days, when she couldn't communicate with me anymore, and even for a while after she died, I kept texting her every morning as I had done for many years.  She was so much a presence in my every day: text message conversations every morning, sending her photographs occasionally during the day, or copies of articles, or books or candles ordered from Amazon, where her address was one of my listed delivery addresses.  Now I light my candles in the morning, think of her, and write in this meshugge journal because I can't write to her.  I can't schmooze or do stuff with TSJ, DSB, or EGFIII; I can't pet or enjoy the company of Lilly or Blanche, so I start my days with my laptop à la recherche du temps perdu.  Proust sat in bed writing a great novel that hardly anyone reads; I sit on my recliner typing disconnected thoughts that nobody will read.  Tsvey meshuggenahs.

Telling headlines:  Washington Post, "Fiery meeting with Zelensky upends Trump’s Russia-Ukraine peace deal", "Ukraine reels after Oval Office fracas, fears what’s next," and "Blistering encounter reverberates around the world."  New York Times, "Showdown Points to Trump’s Foreign Policy Revolution,: In Showdown With Zelensky, Trump Takes Offense on Putin’s Behalf," "Behind the Collision: Trump Jettisons Ukraine on His Way to a Larger Goal," "Trump Is Rootin’ for Putin," and "Flow of U.S. Weapons to Ukraine Has Nearly Stopped and May End Completely."  Wall Street Journal, "Trump, Zelensky Both Suffer Setbacks After Oval Office Blowup,"  and "Putin Wins the Trump-Zelensky Oval Office Spectacle." The Atlantic, "It Was an Ambush: Today marked one of the grimmest days in the history of American diplomacy" and "The Real Reason Trump Berated Zelensky: He simply likes Vladimir Putin better."  The New Yorker, "The Peril Donald Trump Poses to Ukraine: Some analysts hoped that Trump might end the war; they are stunned that the U.S. has now 'changed sides'.”

Yesterday afternoon, Liz Cheney posted: 

“Generations of American patriots, from our revolution onward, have fought for  the principles Zelenskyy is risking his life to defend. But today, Donald Trump and JD Vance attacked Zelenskyy and pressured him to surrender the freedom of his people to the KGB war criminal who invaded Ukraine. History will remember this day—when an American President and Vice President abandoned all we stand for.”

The sky is falling, the wolf isn't at the door, it's in the house.  I have been asking myself whether Trump is not merely an asset of Vladimir Putin but rather his agent.  I have wondered whether Putin 'has something on him,' like the 'golden shower' report in the Steele dossier.  It's becoming clearer to me that I've been naive, thinking that Trump acts the way he does because he is being blackmailed by Putin.  That theory is grounded on the assumption that, but for the blackmail, Trump would be acting differently.  It's clear now, however, and it should have been clear to me about initio, that Trump acts as he does because he wants to act that way.  His friends and heroes are the autocrats of the world: Putin, Orban, Xi, Kim, national leaders he calls "tough guys," "very smaart and very strategic," men with whom "I have a very good relationship."  He wants to join their club.  Everything he has done in the last 5 weeks demonstrates it.  He has gotten rid of institutional impediments to strongman rule, rule without respect to the rule of law, like inspectors general, principled cabinaet level department heads,  high-ranking generals at the Pentagon, the top three judge advocates in the military, DOJ officials, US attorneys, and on and on.  We are well on our way to an undemocratic autocracy.

[Thooms Friedman's concluding paragraph in this morning's NY Times, referring to Trump's alliance with Puiin: "This is a total perversion of U.S. foreign policy practiced by every president since World War I. My fellow Americans, we are in completely uncharted waters, led by a president, who — well, I cannot believe he is a Russian agent, but he sure plays one on TV.​"

Posting on Facebook today:

Charles D. Clausen shared a memory.

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I think I first learned of Babi (or Bobyn) Yar when reading the 1981 novel The White Hotel by D. M. Thomas.  I've never forgotten it, or what I later learned of the Russian ambivalence (at best), when Ukraine was a part of the Soviet Union, about building the great memorial there to the nearly 34,000 Jewish victims.  The Soviet authorities strove to mask the fact that the victims were Jews, not merely 'victims of Nazi aggression.'  I think of Babi Yar today, and of the quote attributed to Hannah Arendt, after yesterday's disgraceful show in the Oval Office and the seismic shift in our nation's relations with post-Soviet Afghanistan now led by its Jewish president, and with Russia and Putin, imitating Germany's 1941 invasion with their own.  Words fail me.

3 Years Ago

Charles D. Clausen was  thinking about life.

March 1, 2022  · 

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A U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs staff psychiatrist named Jonathan Shay wrote a book entitled Odysseus in America: Combat Trauma and the Trials of Homecoming.  He wrote:

  Everyone knows that war can wreck the body, but repeatedly forgets that it can wreck the soul as well.  The sacrifice that citizens make when they serve in their country’s military is not simply the risk of death, dismemberment, disfigurement, and paralysis – as terrible as these realities are.  They risk their peace of mind – please, hear this familiar phrase, ‘peace of mind,’ fresh again in all its richness!  They risk losing their capacity to participate in democratic process. They risk losing the sense that human virtues are still possible.  These are psychological and morl injuries – war wounds – that are no less of a sacrifice that the sacrifice of the the armless, or legaless, or sightless veteran.

 It’s reported that the Babyn Yar Memorial has been damaged by Russian weapons.  I’m reminded of a saying attributed to Hannah Arendt when an interlocutor was said to have said he was ashamed to be German.  Arendt was said to reply: “I’m ashamed to be human.”

Some anniveresary thoughts:  (1) With all that we know of Religion's record in human history, how is it that so many of us still believe in one or another of its incredible varities?  And BTW, Cardinal Stritch, the Pro-Prefect of the Propagation of Faith and member of the Vatican's curia or court, was my bishop and successor of the Apostles when I was a kid in Chicago.  I remembered him in my memoir:

Cardinal Stritch himself was a Southern racist.  He believed in converting blacks to Catholicism, but not in living near them, going to school with them, or worshipping in the same pews with them.  Steven Avella, a history professor at Marquette published a history of the Chicago archdiocese under Cardinals Stritch and his successor Albert Meyer.  Regarding the racial tensions in the archdiocese, he wrote:

Cardinal Stritch was least well-equipped temperamentally and philosophically to deal with this aspect of change in Chicago Catholic life.  Stritch was indelibly southern in his attitudes on racial issues.  He displayed this in private conversation, when he would refer to blacks as “niggers.”  Once, he accused one of his Milwaukee priests of leaving his quarters at a Catholic high school “unfit for a nigger.” Chancery official and later Bishop Cletus F. O’Donnell was once ordered by Stritch to “give this nigger a good tip” in reference to a railroad porter who had carried the archbishop’s luggage on board a train.   In a letter to his chief theological adviser, Stritch wrote from Hobe Sound, Florida: “Do not choose the winter climate of Florida if you have some deep thinking to do.  Here you take on the habits of the colored folk and do as little as is consistent with being alive.  (This Confident Church: Catholic Leadership and Life in Chicago, 1940-1965.)a

(2)  In 1845, the U. S. annexed Texas.  Now Texas Republicans talk of seceding.  There are many times I wish we could just give Texas back to Mexico.

(3)  I was 11 yeares old when Joseph Stalin died.  There was great happiness in America over his death, but the cold war and threat of nuclear annihilation continued under his successors.  We developed the atomic bomb in 1945; the Russians got theirs in 1949.  We exploded the first hydrogen bomb in 1952; the Russians followed in 1955.  In 1985, the Pentagon acknowledged what had long been known to scientists and most people with common sense; i.e., that a nuclear war would be catastrophic with global cooling, global crop failures, and global famine.  And still we build bombs and missiles with a European arms race expected now that Trump has broken NATO and made the U.S. an unreliable defense treaty partner elsewhere in the world.