Saturday, March 4, 2023
In bed around 11, awake at midnight as Geri got up to pick up Cheri and her sister at the airport, and up at 4:45. 29℉, high of 44, wind W at 6 mph, 5 to 11 mph today, gusts up to 20, wind chills 22 to 40℉ today. Sunrise at 6:23, sunset at 5:44, 11+21. DST next weekend. Boo.
Lilly's burrs were removed at Eastown Veterinary Clinic yesterday afternoon at 4 p. m. Geri gave her gabapentin and trazodone at 3 p.m. to calm her down and off we went. She had a hard time jumping into the Honda in her drugged state but made it (barely) on the second try. She wouldn't even attempt it when we left the vet so we had to lift her 61 pounds and place her in the vehicle. She was very good at the vet's and did not need to be sedated. Total cost: $8.00, unbelievable.
Wrestled yesterday about whether to cancel the visit with the Gold Clinic psychologist on Monday. Why did I agree to this? What do I expect? It all came about from sharing with Dr. Chatt during a regularly scheduled visit that it has been a hard year with both Kitty and Tom St. John dying, each of them younger than me, Kitty a huge presence in my life for 77 years, a daily communicant for the last 6 years or so, Tom a regular part of my life for the last 55 years. Realistically chronic pain has also re-entered my daily life and gets me down along with the realization that 'it's all downhill from here,' the realization that this truly is as good as it gets, living in the house, living each day with Geri, with Lilly, journalling, painting when the Muse visits. The biggest loss however has been Kitty, irreplaceable, leaving me 'a bird alone.' "I lie awake; I have become like a sparrow alone on a housetop." Psalm 102:7. I woke up this morning with some CPP and as I zapped my morning coffee for some reason I thought of the experience of being seasick on the USS Coney, DDE 508, on the North Atlantic in the summer of 1960, and the twin fears: (1) that I will die, and (2) that I won't die. Some similarities with old age, decrepitude, obsolescence, uselessness, vulnerability, etc. Pity-party stuff. Kitty would say: SNAP OUT OF IT! I'm like a yoyo.
There is a singer everyone has heard, Loud, a mid-summer and a mid-wood bird, Who makes the solid tree trunks sound again. He says that leaves are old and that for flowers Mid-summer is to spring as one to ten. He says the early petal-fall is past When pear and cherry bloom went down in showers On sunny days a moment overcast; And comes that other fall we name the fall. He says the highway dust is over all. The bird would cease and be as other birds But that he knows in singing not to sing. The question that he frames in all but words Is what to make of a diminished thing.
Thoughts at Noon. (1) I've been looking at Kitty's yahrzeit candle, noticing that its flame is small, visible but barely so. This strikes me as soemhow reflective of her movement through the world. She was never one to call attention to herself. She emitted light and warmth but never ostentatiously, either within the family or in the larger world. But like this quiet, steady flame, she quietly, steadily shared her goodness, her wisdom, her strength of character with those near her - her husband and children, her neighbors, her fellow workers and guests at SVDP and at the meal program for the homelesss at Andre House, the families whose Christmas wishes she satisfied, the people whose homes she cleaned and who came to love and rely on her as on a trusted family member, a trusted friend. And of course she shared with me, way more than I ever earned.
(2) I'm thinking that our neighborhood white-tailed deer are cleaning me out of sunflower seeds at night. I fill the squirrel-proof feeder and see it filled almost to the top at sundown when we close the venetian blinds and when we open them in the morning the feeder is almost empty. It must be those beautiful does and fawns with thier narrow almost prehensile tongues. I'll have to move the feeder today to a higher perch on another shepherd's crook, see if it makes a difference.
(3) What to think of the Murdaugh murders and the trial? I came to this scandalous crime story late, only starting to pay attention to it when Alec Murdaugh took the stand to testify in his own defense. I watched much of that testimony on CNN and, after awhile, came to the opinion that he is a psychopath, or sociopath. The way he looted the proceeds of settlements of his client's cases without any sign of remorse pretty clearly evidence a lack of conscience, a lack of empathy for the plight of his clients. He stole from a mother who lost her daughter; he stole from chidlren lost a parent; he stole like a Mafia gangster without regard to the interests of his clients and partners, all the while posing as a community leader and a "good ol' boy." I didn't buy the argument that he stole only to support his opioid addication. Eight or nine million dollars buys a lot of opioids in SE South Caroline. I suspect he embezzled the clients' and firm's money simply because he wanted it and he could get away with it. He has the moral compass of a Willie Sutton who said he robbed banks "because that's where the money is."
The biggest problem in the case was motive for the murders of his wife and his son. The prosecution's theory that Alec was trying to gain sympathy and to slow down 'the gathering storm' that threatened to expose him was hard to swallow, even accepting Alec's psychopathy. Other than the fact of the murders themselves, all the evidence indicated that he loved his wife and "Paw Paw." He had been confronted the day of the murders with the fact that his firm knew of his embezzlements and he faced a compulsory discolosure of his finances in the 'boat crash' case on 6/10. His wife and son were about to learn that their opulent lifestyle, evidence of their superiority to their neighbors, was a house of cards supported by embezzlement. Was Alec trying to "spare" them the shame by killing them? Does that make much sense? Was he conerned about "Paw Paw" being found guilty in the criminal boat crash case, and being imprisoned? Better to kill him? Does that make much sense? And why kill Maggie, whom he "worshipped"?
The jury deliberated for only 45 minutes before unanimously agreeing on the guilty verdict. The initial straw poll showed 9 guilty votes, 2 not guilty vote, and 1 undecided. Obviously the 2 not guilty voters were not very firm in their convictions, ditto the undecided. The trial took about 6 weeks. Tons of evidence. Swarms of witnesses. Testimonial evidence, documentary evidence, technical evidence, expert evidence. No clear motive. 45 minutes. I suspect there was a lot more to that verdict than meets the eye. Alec's lying about being at the crime scene within minutes of the time of death was clearly crucial. His testimony at the end of the trial was also crucial - and not very credible. But I'm thinking that all the testimony about his stealing money from his own clients, about lying and smooth-talking them as he stole money, all while enjoying a status of high esteem and great power in the community operated to profoundly reduce the 'fear of regret' factor in the juror's decision-making, the "The OMG, what if I'm wrong" factor, the "I don't want to convict an innocent man" factor. I suspect the jurors felt that Alec Murdaugh was such a low-life that it was easier to disregard the potential regret factor since, whether he killed Maggie and "Paw Paw" or not, he belonged behind bars for rest of his life. Another thing I wonder about, though we will never know, is how much envy and resentment played a role in his conviction. With his stolen loot, he lived on a 1700 acre hunting estate and had another house on Edisto Island, north of Beaufort. The family had many vehicles and many guns and all the 'stuff' that a million dollar plus annual income can buy. The Murtaugh family had been sending locals to prisons for almost 100 years and decided who would get law enforcement breaks and who wouldn't. With all that money and all that discretionary power in a relatively small community, they were bound to make enemies and the Netflix and HBO Max documentary series makes it clear that they did stir up some hard feelings in the community. Did those feelings play into the 45 minute verdict? It's hard to believe that they didn't. Mr. High and Mighty is a drug addict, a liar, and a thief and maybe a murderer: fuck him. In picking a jury, lawyers and judges try to avoid (or the opposite) seating jurors with hidden resentments that might effect their decision-making, but the voir dire process can be pretty crude, even with modern jury selection consultants, who were probalby used in pick the Murtaugh jury. In any event, as I sit here, I think he probably killed his wife and son, and maybe I'm even persuaded beyound a reasonable doubt, but certainly not beyond any doubt, mainly because of that troubling motive factor.
5:44 Sunset Extinquished yahrzeit candle.
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