3/7/23

Tuesday, Mach 7, 2023

In bed around 10:30? 11:00?, awake at 4:47, up at 4:58.  No CPAP, no 'brown noise.'  33℉ under a clear sky, high to around 39℉, NE wind blowing off the lake at 14 mph creating a wind chill of 23℉.  The wind will vary from  10 to 17 mph, with gusts up to 26 mph.  Wind chill will range from 23 to 33℉.  Sunrise at 6:17, sunset at 5:48, 11+30, with the vernal equinox and DST approaching.

Early morning thoughts on therapies.  There is little doubt in my mind that yesterday afternoon's intense pain was from the rectal muscle exam, though the exam itself, though uncomfortable, was not particularly painful.  I suspect however that that part of the therapy may be an important component of the effort to calm the muscles and reduce the chronic pain.  I will try to 'secure message' Jen and inform her of the painful aftermath.  I wonder whether I should stay involved with the 'primary care intern mental health' visits with Meghan Barrett.  I can shrug off the slight feeling of embarrassment about seeing a mental health therapist; it's hardly the case that I am so composed as to be 'above' any need for better self-understanding that might come from talking with a therapist, even a young Ph.D. candidate.  I surprised myself with my talkativeness yesterday, 'chatty Chuckie'.' Of course, I haven't 'processed' the loss of Kitty or even the loss of TSJ; I'm not sure what 'processing' means with respect to such losses, especially Kitty's.  I rarely have occasion to discuss these losses with anyone though I think about them and occasionally write something about them, especially Kitty.  I got to thinking the other day, maybe yesterday?, that 4 of the people I practiced law with have died (RHF, WSR, WBG, and now TSJ) and all were younger than I am now.  JDF didn't attend TSJ's funeral.  Could he have died without my knowing of it, or is he ill, or did he stay away because of some of his 'Irish Alheimer's'?  In any case, perhaps something can be gained from talking with someone 50-some years younger than me about such things.  Or about the haunting realities of decrepitude, diminishing senses of sight, hearing, touch, and balance, cognitive decline, executive function, dementia, etc.  Not a pretty picture.  I even mentioned to her yesterday my emotional reaction to the Russian invasion of Ukraine and my feelings about what we did in Vietnam. She wasn't even born before Vietnam had become simply a part of "history", a turbulent time in America's past.  I don't disparage her; she seems like a fine, intelligent, well-intentioned, caring professional, exactly the kind of person who should be in the therapy/counseling profession.    We all start out in our work young, lacking experiences that we later gain, 'wet behind the ears' and 'green.'  What a curious experience it must be for her to be talking - or listening to - someone like me, from a different world.  Hearing about my father's PTSD 77 years ago, growing up with Kitty with both parents suffering from PTSD in the 1940s and 50s, etc.  In any event, I suppose that if Meghan and her mentor Dr. Vallejo are willing to listen to me run off at the mouth about the stuff I think about,  I should probably continue.  Perhaps there is some value in it for me, perhaps for them, who knows?  I also have the thought that there are few experiences in life as self-ish as psychotherapy with its intense focus on how am I feeling, what am I thinking, what does this or that mean to me, etc.  Being raised Irish Catholic, I naturally had some feelings of guilt as I left Zablocki yesterday, thinking of the literally millions of people who could benefit from some face time with a therapist but who will never have such an opportunity, while I am provided such an opportunity and wonder whether I should eschew it.  Ingrate.  

The Archers: I Know Where I'm Going.  I viewed this film many years ago when I went through a phase of watching films by "The Archers," the name of their production company for their many collaborations.  The film was released in 1945 as the big war was ending and it was in Black and White.  I enjoyed it the first go-round and I think I enjoyed it more last night.  Wendy Hiller starred as the self-centered, self-directed, self-confident young woman intent upon marrying a very wealthy capitalist and living a life of luxury: self, self, self.  While temporarily stranded on a Scottish island in the Hebrides unable to get to her scheduled wedding site, she falls in love with Roger Livesley, playing the hereditary Laird of the destination island and a British Navy officer on a one-week leave from the war.  He's a 'man of the people,' kind, part of the local community, imbued in its culture.  She falls in love with him and the local community and culture.  The story is simple and pretty sappy but the acting is fine and the cinematography is terrific.   Other Archers movies I've seen are The Life and Death of Colonel Blimp and The Black Narcissus, which Sarah gave me on a DVD.

VA Disability Rating: Hypertension  I made an appointment to see the VFW rep at the VA Regional Office tomorrow at 10 to apply for an increased benefit for HBP under the PACT Act.  It probably won't make much of a difference in my disability rating (70%) or monthly benefit, but it could lead to an increased survivor benefit for Geri when I kick the bucket.

2022 Taxes.  I started the drudgery of preparing our tax returns today, gathering documents, seeing what may be missing.