Tuesday, December 30, 2025
1972 Richard Nixon halted the bombing of North Vietnam & announced peace talks
1993, The Vatican recognized Israel
2024 The Second Circuit Court of Appeals upheld a jury verdict finding Donald Trump liable for sexual abuse and defamation in E. Jean Carroll v. Donald J. Trump.
2024 The Taliban government of Afghanistan announced it would close all national and foreign nongovernmental organizations in the country that employed women.
In bed at 10:30, up at 6:10. 12°, wind chill 0°, high 22°, low 12°.
Meds, etc. Morning meds at a.m.
"Consistent with congestive heart failure . . ." I received a telephone call from Nurse Kim Kitzke at the VA yesterday. She told me that my PCP had received the results of my PFT and they were 'consistent with congestive heart failure', which was what she expected, considering my blood test's BNP number and my SOB. She has referred me to the Cardiac (CHF) Clinic.
Rummaging again in the basement, I opened a basket with a bunch of old treasures in it. I found my Uncle Jim's discharge papers from the Navy, dated March 1946, and correspondence to my mother from the VA after he became schizophrenic and was hospitalized, including a letter about a suicide attempt (cutting wrists). I also found photos from my wedding that I don't recall having seen before, though I must have.
Survivors
My beautiful, heroic, and saintly sister
With Grandpa Dewey and Grandmas Charlotte Clausen
The basket also contained some notebook writing of mine from years ago, about Jesus's 40 days and 40 nights in the desert, contending with the Devil.
Luke 4: 1-2
What went on with you in the desert?
What in the world went on?
What drove you there, or were you drawn?
Did you know yourself?
Or was that why you went?
And 40 days, for heaven's sake!
40 with no food!
Did you want to die?
Were you self-destructive then
As in Jerusalem?
Did you hear voices
Or just your own?
Were you called or were you calling?
Did you know yourself?
Was it Satan who tempted you there
Or was your temptor you?
Did you know yourself?
You were clearly out of your mind, of course,
Hunger, exposure, wild beasts,
Isolation and temptation,
Or was that all hallucination?
Did angels really tend you there?
Did you know yourself?
Why did you leave when you left at last
To come back to the world?
Were you drawn or driven?
Did you know yourself?
When you at last came back to the world,
Did you know yourself?
####################
And other notes/thoughts written down at the time:
Was it better there? . . . Like something the cat dragged in. When they saw you like that, what must they have thought? You've carried this much too far! But now, oh my God, what happened to you? Just distant, disturbed, and . . . what? You weren't normal then. To be baptized or not by John. On your way to the Jordan. When you walked down your street to Joseph and Mary's house, you must have caused/made quite a stir. Your nails like Howard Hugh's. Your hair and beard must have been a nest . . . On your way back, did you bathe in the Jordan and foul the water and fishes? When you dragged your buttt back to town, you must have looked like Hell Mark 4:1-6
#####################
Only you were there.
Knowing trouble when they saw it,
The others stayed away.
What was Peter doing there
By the servants' fire?
What could he hope to accomplish there?
Peter was no fool.
Lest he himself be nabbed,
He had followed but at a distance.
He denied he even knew him
That was perfectly clear.
He wasn't there to offer support.
What did he hope to accomplish
By the servants' fire?
What was Peter doing there?
########################
And snapshots from Sarah's first year of life, including photos from a trip to Riverdale, where my parents and Kitty and Jim each owned a townhouse, the first home for each of them that was owned rather than rented. It reminded me of the uneasy relationship between Anne and my family, but perhaps I am writing that wrong, that the unease was mostly mine. Anne came from a genteel middle-class family: polite, church-going, respectable, non-drinking, suburban homeowning. Her dad, nicknamed "Pink" was a kind and gentle soul who worked in inventory control for Lincoln Electric in Cleveland. He brought work home every night and worked on it on their dining room table. Her mother, "Gert", played clarinet in a local community orchestra. Pink had not served in the military during the War; either he was too old or, most likely, Lincoln Electric was a defense industry whose workers were draft-exempt. There was no PTSD in the family, no alcoholism, no taverns, no history of home invasion and rape, no citywide news coverage. Pink was warm and friendly; my Dad was past the worst of his PTSD and related behavior, but he was still not naturally open and communicative. My mother and Kitty were, but neither was as educated, experienced, and quick-witted as Anne, so fluid conversation didn't come easily. There was always some awkwardness to it, and we all felt it, I perhaps most of all. I'm reminded of the awkwardness I felt as an undergraduate at Marquette, with my family background compared with those of my roommates and best friends: Ed's father a prosperous, Beverly Hills business owner, Tom's a LaSalle Street lawyer, Jerry's an insurance broker, Cam's a doctor. Decades later, at a reunion at Ed's extraordinary home on Marco Island, he and Cam remarked on my "aloofness" during our college days. It came from the feeling of not belonging, perhaps almost a feeling of imposturing. In any event, I had that feeling of unease and awkwardness every time Anne and I got together with my family, which resulted in my avoiding such contact. It worked out OK until my mother died. She had been my protector, my caregiver, my guardian angel, my biggest fan, my booster, my support throughout my childhood. That I had survived my childhood with my father, obtained a college degree and a law degree, a big fancy house on Newberry Boulevard at age 32, a commission in the Marine Corps, and a position on a law school faculty was all because of her, and over a period of nine days, she died and was gone. I didn't have to worry about awkwardness or unease anymore, but I was left with a lifelong sense of shame and guilt over my ingratitude, selfishness, and weakness.
Kristi Noem wants to demolish more of St. Elizabeth's. It's where my Uncle Jim was taken after he was picked up, delusional, by the D.C. police on a park bench in Washington, sometime after his father's death and funeral. As a WWII veteran, he spent the rest of his life under government care, including the period when he was depressed and suicidal. Most of his care was provided by the VA hospital in Elgin, Illinois. I wonder now whether his 'care' may have simply consisted of keeping him housed, fed, and medicated. I'm wondering now what his thoughts were during that suicidal period. I think of my friend Roland Wright and his father. St. Elizabeth's was established by Congress in 1855 and was originally known as the “Government Hospital for the Insane.” The complex has been listed on the National Register of Historic Places since 1979. and was certified it as a National Historic Landmark in 1990. In 2001, the West Campus of the hospital was declared 'excess property' by Health and Human Services. In 2007, DHS announced it intended to locate its headquarters there, and by 2019 the move commenced, with significant planning assistance from Geri's niece, Katherine, deputy chief of staff in the office of legal counsel to the Secretary of Homeland Security. DHS now wants to tear down vacant West Campus buildings because they pose "a risk to life and property." Their reasoning about the old buildings posing of danger seems to be specious and even paranoid, but they will probably succeed, and another historic treasure will be destroyed, including perhaps a building where my Uncle Jim was cared for. Maybe I'm saddened by old historic structures being destroyed because the structures remind me of myself and other old times, unsightly and useless, but with a lot of history behind us.
Geri and I visited our local dentist, Anne Neary, this morning, Geri to get a detached crown reattached and I for a regular checkup and cleaning. Geri had replaced the crown herself (loosened by chewing a chocolate-covered caramel leftover from Christmas Eve dinner) and showed Dr. Neary the wrong tooth on her first visit, immediately preceding my visit. Dr. Neary was unable to remove the crown of that good tooth and told Geri to go home and carefully chew another caramel. Geri did so, again the crown came off, and she called while I was in the dentist's chair. Dr. Neary told her to come back and again Geri did so, returning as I was paying for my visit. A humorous incident, but all ended well. My checkup was OK, my teeth were cleaned, and Geri's crown was reglued and replaced.
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