3/7/23

Tuesday, Mach 7, 2023

In bed around 10:30? 11:00?, awake at 4:47, up at 4:58.  No CPAP, no 'brown noise.'  33℉ under a clear sky, high to around 39℉, NE wind blowing off the lake at 14 mph creating a wind chill of 23℉.  The wind will vary from  10 to 17 mph, with gusts up to 26 mph.  Wind chill will range from 23 to 33℉.  Sunrise at 6:17, sunset at 5:48, 11+30, with the vernal equinox and DST approaching.

Early morning thoughts on therapies.  There is little doubt in my mind that yesterday afternoon's intense pain was from the rectal muscle exam, though the exam itself, though uncomfortable, was not particularly painful.  I suspect however that that part of the therapy may be an important component of the effort to calm the muscles and reduce the chronic pain.  I will try to 'secure message' Jen and inform her of the painful aftermath.  I wonder whether I should stay involved with the 'primary care intern mental health' visits with Meghan Barrett.  I can shrug off the slight feeling of embarrassment about seeing a mental health therapist; it's hardly the case that I am so composed as to be 'above' any need for better self-understanding that might come from talking with a therapist, even a young Ph.D. candidate.  I surprised myself with my talkativeness yesterday, 'chatty Chuckie'.' Of course, I haven't 'processed' the loss of Kitty or even the loss of TSJ; I'm not sure what 'processing' means with respect to such losses, especially Kitty's.  I rarely have occasion to discuss these losses with anyone though I think about them and occasionally write something about them, especially Kitty.  I got to thinking the other day, maybe yesterday?, that 4 of the people I practiced law with have died (RHF, WSR, WBG, and now TSJ) and all were younger than I am now.  JDF didn't attend TSJ's funeral.  Could he have died without my knowing of it, or is he ill, or did he stay away because of some of his 'Irish Alheimer's'?  In any case, perhaps something can be gained from talking with someone 50-some years younger than me about such things.  Or about the haunting realities of decrepitude, diminishing senses of sight, hearing, touch, and balance, cognitive decline, executive function, dementia, etc.  Not a pretty picture.  I even mentioned to her yesterday my emotional reaction to the Russian invasion of Ukraine and my feelings about what we did in Vietnam. She wasn't even born before Vietnam had become simply a part of "history", a turbulent time in America's past.  I don't disparage her; she seems like a fine, intelligent, well-intentioned, caring professional, exactly the kind of person who should be in the therapy/counseling profession.    We all start out in our work young, lacking experiences that we later gain, 'wet behind the ears' and 'green.'  What a curious experience it must be for her to be talking - or listening to - someone like me, from a different world.  Hearing about my father's PTSD 77 years ago, growing up with Kitty with both parents suffering from PTSD in the 1940s and 50s, etc.  In any event, I suppose that if Meghan and her mentor Dr. Vallejo are willing to listen to me run off at the mouth about the stuff I think about,  I should probably continue.  Perhaps there is some value in it for me, perhaps for them, who knows?  I also have the thought that there are few experiences in life as self-ish as psychotherapy with its intense focus on how am I feeling, what am I thinking, what does this or that mean to me, etc.  Being raised Irish Catholic, I naturally had some feelings of guilt as I left Zablocki yesterday, thinking of the literally millions of people who could benefit from some face time with a therapist but who will never have such an opportunity, while I am provided such an opportunity and wonder whether I should eschew it.  Ingrate.  

The Archers: I Know Where I'm Going.  I viewed this film many years ago when I went through a phase of watching films by "The Archers," the name of their production company for their many collaborations.  The film was released in 1945 as the big war was ending and it was in Black and White.  I enjoyed it the first go-round and I think I enjoyed it more last night.  Wendy Hiller starred as the self-centered, self-directed, self-confident young woman intent upon marrying a very wealthy capitalist and living a life of luxury: self, self, self.  While temporarily stranded on a Scottish island in the Hebrides unable to get to her scheduled wedding site, she falls in love with Roger Livesley, playing the hereditary Laird of the destination island and a British Navy officer on a one-week leave from the war.  He's a 'man of the people,' kind, part of the local community, imbued in its culture.  She falls in love with him and the local community and culture.  The story is simple and pretty sappy but the acting is fine and the cinematography is terrific.   Other Archers movies I've seen are The Life and Death of Colonel Blimp and The Black Narcissus, which Sarah gave me on a DVD.

VA Disability Rating: Hypertension  I made an appointment to see the VFW rep at the VA Regional Office tomorrow at 10 to apply for an increased benefit for HBP under the PACT Act.  It probably won't make much of a difference in my disability rating (70%) or monthly benefit, but it could lead to an increased survivor benefit for Geri when I kick the bucket.

2022 Taxes.  I started the drudgery of preparing our tax returns today, gathering documents, seeing what may be missing.

3/6/23

 Monday, March  6, 2023

In bed around 10, awake at 5:20, up at 5:39, thinking of the morning ahead, the ambulance ride from Saukville to CSMO, 37℉, high of 40℉ expected, wind ESE at 13,mph, 9 to 17 mph today, gusts up to 28 mph, wind chill at 28℉, ranging from 14 to 23℉ today.  Sunrise at 6:19, sunset5:47, 11+27.  

Long morning at the VA.  (1) Urology: met my new urology resident, nice young doc who seemed knowledgeable about chronic pelvic pain.  The hald-dreaded, half-desireded catheterization didn't occur, focus having shifted from bladder to pelvic muscles.  He prescribed an antihistimine type med that has provided some help to some patients with CPP.  (2) Physical Therapy: met with Jen, the pelvic floor specialist, young, pretty, taller than me, seemed to know her stuff.  She did an external muscle exam on perineum and internal exam on rectal muscles.  Didn't detect much but there did seem to be some tightness on the left side  and toward the coccyx.  Butt pretty painful afterwards. (3) Primary Care Mental Health Intern Clinic: met with the young PhD candidate Meghan Bennett, with supervisor Dr. Letitia Vallejo present. Had some discussion about sleeplessness, etc., chronic pain for 4 months, Kitty & Tom, stress reduction, relaxation, etc.  Found myself running off at the mouth about this, that, and the other thing.  Agreed to meet again in 2 weeks.  Left at 8, got home about 1.

Pain Report for Jen:   Considerable pain on left side of perineum.  Spasm-type, about a 6 or 7 at 1:30, 2:00 p.m. . . . Pain seems to be better at 4 p.m. . . . . Went to bed @  6 p.m., in pain, woke up at 8:30, pain much better.

3/5/23

 Sunday, March 5, 2023

In bed at 9, up at 5.  30℉, high of 38, wind WNW at 8 mph, as high as 17 mph today and gusts up to 30 mph, current wind chill 23, ranging between 22 and 34℉ today.  Sunrise at 6:21, sunset at 5:45, 11+24.

Michael Bloomberg: Israel Is Courting Disaster.  It's hard to argue with the headline in this morning's NYT op-ed, but oy veh!, some BS  follows:  "Israel’s security is based partly on a relationship with the United States built on shared values — freedom, equality, democracy — that can only be sustained by a commitment to the rule of law, including an independent judiciary capable of upholding it."  How can he write that Israel shares the values of freedom, equality, and democracy with the U.S.?  Is there anyone who still believes that Israel can be both a Jewish State and a democracy, especially with a commitment to annex the West Bank and its 2,750,000 Palestinians and 670,000 Jewish settlers?   Freedom?  Equality? Democracy?  Please, Mike Bloomberg, give us a break.  And, for that matter, just how committed is the United States to freedom, equality, and democracy?

Semi-lost day.  J had a decent night's sleep last night, better than most but spent a good part of the day nodding off,   I'm wondering why I am so tired, so ready to nod off almost every day.

3/4/23

 Saturday, March 4, 2023

In bed around 11, awake at midnight as Geri got up to pick up Cheri and her sister at the airport, and up at 4:45.  29℉, high of 44, wind W at 6 mph, 5 to 11 mph today, gusts up to 20, wind chills 22 to 40℉ today.  Sunrise at 6:23, sunset at 5:44, 11+21.  DST next weekend.  Boo.

Lilly's burrs were removed at Eastown Veterinary Clinic yesterday afternoon at 4 p. m.  Geri gave her gabapentin and trazodone at 3 p.m. to calm her down and off we went.  She had a hard time jumping into the Honda in her drugged state but made it (barely) on the second try. She wouldn't even attempt it when we left the vet so we had to lift her 61 pounds and place her in the vehicle.  She was very good at the vet's and did not need to be sedated.  Total cost: $8.00, unbelievable.

Wrestled yesterday about whether to cancel the visit with the Gold Clinic psychologist on Monday.  Why did I agree to this?  What do I expect?  It all came about from sharing with Dr. Chatt during a regularly scheduled visit that it has been a hard year with both Kitty and Tom St. John dying, each of them younger than me, Kitty a huge presence in my life for 77 years, a daily communicant for the last 6 years or so, Tom a regular part of my life for the last 55 years.  Realistically chronic pain has also re-entered my daily life and gets me down along with the realization that 'it's all downhill from here,' the realization that this truly is as good as it gets, living in the house, living each day with Geri, with Lilly, journalling,  painting when the Muse visits.   The biggest loss however has been Kitty, irreplaceable, leaving me 'a bird alone.'  "I lie awake; I have become like a sparrow alone on a housetop."  Psalm 102:7.  I woke up this morning with some CPP and as I zapped my morning coffee for some reason I thought of the experience of being seasick on the USS Coney, DDE 508, on the North Atlantic in the summer of 1960, and the twin fears: (1) that I will die, and (2) that I won't die. Some similarities with old age, decrepitude, obsolescence, uselessness, vulnerability, etc.  Pity-party stuff.  Kitty would say: SNAP OUT OF IT!  I'm like a yoyo.

The Catholic version of Kitty's Yahrzeit candle

which I lighted at sunset on 3/3

The Ovenbird by Robert Frost

There is a singer everyone has heard,
Loud, a mid-summer and a mid-wood bird,
Who makes the solid tree trunks sound again.
He says that leaves are old and that for flowers
Mid-summer is to spring as one to ten.
He says the early petal-fall is past
When pear and cherry bloom went down in showers
On sunny days a moment overcast;
And comes that other fall we name the fall.
He says the highway dust is over all.
The bird would cease and be as other birds
But that he knows in singing not to sing.
The question that he frames in all but words
Is what to make of a diminished thing.

Thoughts at Noon. (1) I've been looking at Kitty's yahrzeit candle, noticing that its flame is small, visible but barely so.  This strikes me as soemhow reflective of her movement through the world.  She was never one to call attention to herself.  She emitted light and warmth but never ostentatiously, either within the family or in the larger world.  But like this quiet, steady flame, she quietly, steadily shared her goodness, her wisdom, her strength of character with those near her - her husband and children, her neighbors, her fellow workers and guests at SVDP and at the meal program  for the homelesss at Andre House, the families whose Christmas wishes she satisfied, the people whose homes she cleaned and who came to love and  rely on her as on a trusted family member, a trusted friend.  And of course she shared with me, way more than I ever earned.  

(2) I'm thinking that our neighborhood white-tailed deer are cleaning me out of sunflower seeds at night.  I fill the squirrel-proof feeder and see it filled almost to the top at sundown when we close the venetian blinds and when we open them in the morning the feeder is almost empty.  It must be those beautiful does and fawns with thier narrow almost prehensile tongues.  I'll have to move the feeder today to a higher perch on another shepherd's crook, see if it makes a difference.

(3) What to think of the Murdaugh murders and the trial?  I came to this scandalous crime story late, only starting to pay attention to it when Alec Murdaugh took the stand to testify in his own defense.  I watched much of that testimony on CNN and, after awhile, came to the opinion that he is a psychopath, or sociopath.  The way he looted the proceeds of settlements of his client's cases without any sign of remorse pretty clearly evidence a lack of conscience, a lack of empathy for the plight of his clients.  He stole from a mother who lost her daughter; he stole from chidlren lost a parent; he stole like a Mafia gangster without regard to the interests of his clients and partners, all the while posing as a community leader and a "good ol' boy."  I didn't buy the argument that he stole only to support his opioid addication.  Eight or nine million dollars buys a lot of opioids in SE South Caroline.  I suspect he embezzled the clients' and firm's money simply because he wanted it and he could get away with it.  He has the moral compass of a Willie Sutton who said he robbed banks "because that's where the money is."

The biggest problem in the case was motive for the murders of his wife and his son.  The prosecution's theory that Alec was trying to gain sympathy and to slow down 'the gathering storm' that threatened to expose him was hard to swallow, even accepting Alec's psychopathy.  Other than the fact of the murders themselves, all the evidence indicated that he loved his wife and "Paw Paw."   He had been confronted the day of the murders with the fact that his firm knew of his embezzlements and he faced a compulsory discolosure of his finances in the 'boat crash' case on 6/10.  His wife and son were about to learn that their opulent lifestyle, evidence of their superiority to their neighbors, was a house of cards supported by embezzlement.  Was Alec trying to "spare" them the shame by killing them?  Does that make much sense?  Was he conerned about "Paw Paw"  being found guilty in the criminal boat crash case, and being imprisoned?  Better to kill him?  Does that make much sense?  And why kill Maggie, whom he "worshipped"?  

The jury deliberated for only 45 minutes before unanimously agreeing on the guilty verdict.   The initial straw poll showed 9 guilty votes, 2 not guilty vote, and 1 undecided.   Obviously the 2 not guilty voters were not very firm in their convictions, ditto the undecided.  The trial took about 6 weeks.  Tons of evidence.  Swarms of witnesses.  Testimonial evidence, documentary evidence, technical evidence, expert evidence.  No clear motive.  45 minutes.  I suspect there was a lot more to that verdict than meets the eye.  Alec's lying about being at the crime scene within minutes of the time of death was clearly crucial.  His testimony at the end of the trial was also crucial - and not very credible.  But I'm thinking that all the testimony about his stealing money from his own clients, about lying and smooth-talking them as he stole money, all while enjoying a status of high esteem and great power in the community operated to profoundly reduce the 'fear of regret' factor in the juror's decision-making, the "The OMG, what if I'm wrong" factor, the "I don't want to convict an innocent man" factor.  I suspect the jurors felt that Alec Murdaugh was such a low-life that it was easier to disregard the potential regret factor since, whether he killed Maggie and "Paw Paw" or not, he belonged behind bars for rest of his life.  Another thing I wonder about, though we will never know, is how much envy and resentment played a role in his conviction.  With his stolen loot, he lived on a 1700 acre hunting estate and had another house on Edisto Island, north of Beaufort.  The family had many vehicles and many guns and all the 'stuff' that a million dollar plus annual income can buy.  The Murtaugh family had been sending locals to prisons for almost 100 years and decided who would get law enforcement breaks and who wouldn't.  With all that money and all that discretionary power in a relatively small community, they were bound to make enemies  and the Netflix and HBO Max documentary series makes it clear that they did stir up some hard feelings in the community.  Did those feelings play into the 45 minute verdict?  It's hard to believe that they didn't.  Mr. High and Mighty is a drug addict, a liar, and a thief and maybe a murderer: fuck him.  In picking a jury, lawyers and judges try to avoid (or the opposite) seating jurors with hidden resentments that might effect their decision-making, but the voir dire process can be pretty crude, even with modern jury selection consultants, who were probalby used in pick the Murtaugh jury.  In any event, as I sit here, I think he probably killed his wife and son, and maybe I'm even persuaded beyound a reasonable doubt, but certainly not beyond any doubt, mainly because of that troubling motive factor.

5:44 Sunset Extinquished yahrzeit candle.

3/3/23

 Friday, March 3, 2023

Kitty  Yahrheit

In bed at 8:42, awake at 4:18, lay abed till 4:42 with many thoughts, Kitty, mental health, decrepitude. 32℉ outside, cloudy day ahead, high of 36, wind directly from the E at 8 mph, ranging between 4 and 16 mph today, gusts up to 26 mph, wind chill is 25℉ now, holding pretty steady during the day.  Sunrise at 6:24, sunset at 5:43,  11+18.

 

3/2/23

 Thursday, March 2, 2023

In bed at 9, awake at 2:30, up at 3:18, unable to sleep.  33℉, high of 37 forecast, 13 mph NNW wind, winds up to 13 mph today, gusts up to 24 mph, current wind chill is 24℉, ranging between 19 and 30 ℉ today.  Sunrise at 6:26, sunset at 5:42, 11+15.

Eli Lilly to cut insulin prices by 70 percent: The price of the medication has become a political issue as diabetics have struggled to afford the lifesaving drug  I wonder how we are expected to react to this 'good news' "after years of growing public outrage about the high cost of diabetes care," as reported in this morning's WaPo. "About 7 million Americans take insulin shots daily, and Eli Lilly is one of the three main producers of insulin in the United States. TThe cost of medical care for diabetes — which runs an average of $9,601 a year for people diagnosed with it, according to the American Diabetes Association — has become a political issue as low- and middle-income Americans have struggled to afford it."  

"The company’s nonbranded insulin, Insulin Lispro Injection, will drop from $82.41 to $25 per vial, making it the lowest-priced mealtime insulin available, according to the company. Humalog, its most commonly prescribed insulin, will drop 70 percent from its price of $530.40 for a five-pack of insulin pens to roughly $160. Lilly is also launching a new insulin product it calls Rezvoglar, which it says is interchangeable with medication by competitor Sanofi but costs 78 percent less."  "About 37 million Americans live with diabetes, according to the latest data from the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, though some use other methods to control their blood sugar."

"A Yale University study published in July 2022 found that 14 percent of those insulin users are spending at least 40 percent of their income after food and housing costs on the medicine. A 2021 study found rationing behaviors to be common among a sample of 982 people with diabetes, with 16.5 percent reporting that they often skipped doses, took less insulin than required, or delayed purchases to save money."

How can anyone, other than major shareholders of Eli Lilly, Sanofi, and Novo Nordisk, the 'big 3 insulin producers, feel anything other than disgust with the American Capitalism dimensions of this story?  Eli Lilly is also the manufacturer of Trulicity, the diabestes medication I have injected once a week for many years, cost: $989.72 for 4 pen injectors, injected one per week.

Our Canary in the Mineshaft.   This morning's WaPo: Israeli police violently crack down on[Israelis'] protest over judicial overhaul.  Police lobbed hundreds of stun grenades, fired water cannons and arrested at least 40 people in response to Wednesday’s “Day of Disruption,” in which flag-waving Israelis flooded the streets and blocked major thoroughfares in dozens of places across the country.  . . . . . The scenes of officers wrestling peaceful protesters to the ground came as police faced mounting criticism for not doing more to hold Israeli settlers accountable for a violent weekend rampage in the West Bank.  At one point, protesters in Tel Aviv chanted, “Where were you in Huwara?” — the Palestinian town where, after a Palestinian shot and killed two Israeli brothers, hundreds of Israeli settlers attacked civilians at random, burning cars, businesses and homes, many with children inside. One Palestinian man was killed by a settler who shot him in the abdomen, the man’s family said.  “The right to protest is not the right to commit anarchy,” National Security Minister Itamar Ben Gvir said about the use of force by police in Tel Aviv on Wednesday, after days of refusing to condemn the settlers’ attacks against Palestinians. . . . But many worry that violence by settlers will continue as long as they receive support — implicit or explicit — from the current government. Two of its most senior ministers, Bezalel Smotrich and Ben Gvir, responded to the killing of the Israeli brothers with promises of revenge. Smotrich called for the Israeli military to “strike at the Palestinian cities with tanks and helicopters, mercilessly, in a way that will send the message that the landlord has gone mad.”

“Our new politics now includes people with messianic visions, in very high positions, who believe Armageddon-style chaos is something that could potentially lead to a better future,” said Yotam Margalit, a professor at Tel Aviv University’s school of political science. “And Netanyahu, who was always careful with the use of force, is now dependent on those people.”

3/1/23

 Wednesday, March 1, 2023

In bed around 10?, up at 6:05, no internet service for computer and television, Ohno!  38℉, high 45℉, wind ESE at 7, up to 13mph today, gusts to 20 mph, wind chills 25 to 42℉.  Sunrise at 6:26, sunset at 5:40, 11+12.

CPP  Another persistent pain, discomfort day.  I'm a miserable, irritable SOB on these days, a PITA for anyone, read Geri, to be around.  I can't stand being around myself, feeling guilty because I am guilty of irritability, nastiness, throwing a pity party for myself.  Not helped by ROKU being unable to connect to internet.  Grrr!