Tuesday, January 24, 2023
In bed at 10:40, awake at 2:40, up at 3:10,unable to sleep. Thoughts of eulogy swirling in my head, Tom's playing basketball despite poor depth perception, our wedding & reception, photo of him at The Bog. Let Lilly out at 5:45. 26 degrees, high today of 35, wind chill at 17 with wind from the W at 10, winds of 3 to 11 mph expected, gusts up to 21 mph. Sunrise at 7:14, sunset at 4::53, 9+39.
Our Town. This morning's JSonline: Thirteen shootings were reported over the weekend in Milwaukee, leaving 18 people shot and four killed, including two teenagers, one 14, the other 15. Investigations are ongoing for each of the shootings except for one in which a 19-year-old armed suspect was treated for non-fatal injuries and later arrested.
Rare event: Geri stumped. Geri has become superb in solving Wordle each morning. Yesterday she was stumped, even with 3 letters in the right spots after or 4 stabs at it. I tried to help and I was stumped (not unusual😞) Jordan telephoned this morning from Alexandria to tell her that he finished it late at night and that the word was "elude".
Eulogy anxiety. I've never been very good at public speaking. Since Tom died 7 days ago, I've semi-dreaded being asked to do a eulogy. One, it's of course painful to compose the eulogy, to try to wisely select among a thousand competing memories, to relive some of those memories, mostly good but some not so good. How to compose a narrative that is honest and respectful, suitably somber, but at least somewhat human and humorous. Not all that easy. And when there is time, there are different drafts to try to improve an initial miserable one. Second, there's the delivery aspect, actually speaking the narrative before the gathering for whom it is intended. This is my biggest anxiety producer. My voice has been weak for about 2 weeks, so weak that I've written my primary care doc wondering about esophageal cancer in light of my long term Barrett's Esophagus. She had me stop taking the amitriptyline first to see if that helps and I think it has but my voice is still very much 'iffy.' Then there's the problem os unpredictable IC/CPP pain and discomfort that usually or at least often has me not wanting to leave the house. I've told Geri that I don't expect to attend the burial because I can't be out and about, away from facilities, that long. Plus possible balance problems navigating the terrain. I wish I were stronger, healthier, in better shape.
Gerard Manley Hopkins Spring and Fall
to a young child
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