1/5/23

 Thursday, january 5, 2023

In bed @ 9, awake at 4:30, up at 4:45, sleeping and half-awake dream arguing a case in front of a 3 judge panel of Wis. supreme court, case referred by Janine Geske, discovery dispute of some sort, woke up just as I was about to begin argument as appellant/petitioner.  No toddy, 31 degrees, high of 34, freezing rain alert, drizzle, wind SW at 7, wind chill 24. Sunrise at 7:23, sunset at 4:31, 9 hours, 8 minutes of daylight.

Thinking of Kitty.  Being away and up and about (in a manner of speaking) hours before surrise has become a matter of course for me.  I avoid watching early morning news, indeed increasingly all news, as depressing and designedly manipulative.  When not staring at my laptop screen, I sit in the semi-dark looking out at the dark fireplace and the adjacent recess where I keep my 'Kitty candles,' one of which I just lighted.  Kitty suffered from (and never complained about) chronic insomnia.  At some time as she was getting sicker from COPD and experiencing some depression, I sent her a votive light holder and a package of votive candles and asked her to light a candle in those long predawn hours she was awake, and to think that I was with her, to remember that I loved her.  Then I got a votive light of my own and would light it early in the morning to remind me of her.  It was during those early morning hours that we would exchange text messages, often long conversations about what was going on in our lives, with our families, what was going on in the world, especially the Trump factor, what memories we had of our childhoods after the Big War was over, life in our basement apartment with our war-damaged father, our mother working to keep things together, our scars, our lifelong 'sequellae' from those early years, the good and the not-so-good.  I suppose I'm keeping this journal now, talking to myself, as a poor substitute for those long daily conversations with Kitty with which we started every day for the last several years, two old coots sharing their thoughts and lives in their 8th decade of life, telling each other to "snap out of it" when necessary, counting our blessings, loving and encouraging and supporting each other, knowing our days were numbered.  It's been 10 months and 2 days since she died, leaving a deep hole in the lives of those who knew and loved her, certainly in mine.  OMG, I've throwing a pity party.  Kitty is telling me to SNAP OUT OF IT!

New CPAP mask from the VA arrived yesterday and worn last night.   Good news: 7:42 minutes of sleep, less pit stops, stunningly good.   Bad news: my 'seal score' was only 7 out of 20, much leakage.  Tonight I try again, tightening the mask straps and hoping for better results.  Without an effective seal, there doesn't seem to be much point in wearing the contraption.  On the other hand, 7 hours, 42 minutes . . .

VA Urology Clinic.  10:30 appointment, 7 weeks after my 'urgent care' visit to the Gold Clinic with severe distress  Not expecting much.  Wondering if I should be visiting Gastroenterology Clinic.  Who knows?  IC?  Something else?  Crowded neighborhood down there.  Chronic pain problems.  Will almost surely be seeing a young Froederdt resident without a clue about chronic pelvic pain. . . 12"30 pm - Saw Dr. David Chaarles, very thorough recap of my urological history, going back to 2005 with Dr. O'Connor at Froederdt Hospital through history with Dr. Silbar.  He gave some description of problems with pelvic floor muscles, prescribe amitryptiline (again), suggested seeing if it helps, and if not trying pelvic floor physical therapy.

Joseph Ratzinger's Funeral.  I missed it yesterday, wasting time watching the deadlock in the speaker's fight in the House of Representatives.  I'm guessing I would have to have found EWTN on YouTube to see it.  Not a big fan of the fellow who styled himself "pope emeritus" as if he were a faculty member in the Theology Department of some Catholic university.  There seems to be something profoundly presumptuous in the whole idea of "theology."  Perhaps "religiology" would be a less presumptuous, more accurate term.

Charlie Sykes tweet re: Republican House:  "The MAGA crackup accelerated as crackpots fought with nihilists, wing nuts pointed fingers at extremists, and grifters started slap-fights with one another.”  Refers to McCarthy's deal-making in pursuit of his goal a "self-geld."  Quite a phrase-maker but but probably still a jerk who screwed up his marriage to Diane Schwerm Sykes.

The Day; Morning consumed with VA appointment, afternoon spent napping, reading, watching the circus in the House, 11 ballots, no progress, no change.  Karl Marx: History repeats itself, first as tragedy, then as farce.